• entries
  • comments
  • views

About this blog

Whatever I feel like saying at the time. Don't expect much from me, as I'm busy doing things on the site :)

Entries in this blog


So I'm 33

As I sit here at my friends house because I drank to much.  I can't help but think about where my life is.  I've had it all and lost it more times than I can count, I would like to blame my x wife but in reality it's not all her fault.  


Ove done one the drugs, the drinking, the late night parrting, I've never gone to school, everything I know I taught myself.  So what am I do?  I grind 24/7 I work from home so I'm always on call!  I don't get to see my kids because of the lies and liberal justice system that is Northern VA until Feb 2017...

yes ive got good friends but because of everything I'm involved in and everything I'm doing I can not risk getting involved with them if anything happens.

i struggle with depression on a daily basis only to look at my phone to see pictures of my kids on my phone, or memories on Facebook.   I stay busy to keep focus on what I'm doing so I don't get des pressed, recently a new women has stepped into my life that has really helped me out a lot.  Just her smile brightens up my day.  I try to act like a rock for everyone around me, because they rely on me for guidance but in reality I'm falling apart.  


I dont knowd these these are the thoughts of a guy sober up after a long night of drinking and talking about life an where we are!



I hate them.  I really do.  I mean look we all lie right? It's human nature.  sometimes we lie to protect the ones we love, sometimes we lie to make others think better of ourselves.  What I hate the most.  Is when someone lies about you to make them selves look better even though they are the sorry shits.

this happens to me frequently.  I don't honestly don't know why they do it.  Specially when they know they will get caught, and I know the truth.  Yet they continue to do this.  My x wife did this, my x g/f did and does this, my x wife's husband does this.  Now yes I have lied to my x wife and her white trash husband to get in their heads to fuck with them.  But I never lie about them.  I don't have to.  

I would say lieing to protect someone's feelings are okay, for example, if your child's pet dies, what's easier to tell them they got out and you couldn't find them or to tell them the truth that the pet died?  Is hope not part of a child's life?

Or when you break up with someone after two years, and everyone asks why and because you keep shit off Facebook, you tell your private friends the truth, that she was a lieing cheating whore.  Then you find out that because the rumor trees are real what she has said about you and it's twisted 7 ways to Sunday.  But of course never tells the truth where she was a raging alcoholic, who has destroyed close to 1k worth of clothing and shit like that... Now these are just example, but the point still is.

Why? Specially when the people lieing are to stupid to lie.  I love those kind, because then when you slam them in front of I their friends and can't provide proof of any of their bs, but you can provide proof to yours... It's a win right?

think about it and let me know what you guys think?


Meeting new people is always a good thing.  It may often be hard for people to do, but a necessity in life.   New people allow you to discuss things out side of your normal group of friends, it allows you to try and do new things, it opens you up to a possible world of new adventures, whether it's being encouraged to travel to a new state, or country.  New people are great.

Since my return back to HelpToGo.com I've met some great people and have some really great conversations, there is one in particular that really stands out, we really just connected.  Very similar interest, similar life style, past, etc.  Which has been great.  This person has been a breath of fresh air, the conversations are enlightening, education, profound, deep, funny although this person seems to think the British language is better than US, but hey... can't do much about a country that uses the metric system, or drives on the wrong side of the road right?  Lost cause kinda thing...lol just playing.  In all honesty it has been great.  I've looked forward to speaking with them on a daily basis about whatever it is we discuss.  When I get settled in Florida, I'm going to have to encourage this person to come visit for sure.

Anyways the point I'm getting at, is this.  Being part of a community, a group of people often encourages you to act differently, people are very influencal, and it's important to find a good group of people.  Before I moved to Texas I was struggling to get by.  But I worked hard at my new job, was invited into a group of the elite of the company and it put me in a whole new level of wants and needs.  The need for success, the need for adventure.  These where good people, God loving people, wealthy, fun, and I was the no body in the group.  They encouraged me to behave a different way, to dress a different way, and explore new things.  

I remember looking back at my old friends in VA and why I struggled so much, and realized that they where all gang banging drug dealing losers with no life or future.  

You may have seen this already with friends, maybe even yourself.  But we must all go out, find new people, new interest to explore and have fun.  Human beings where not ment to sit around and watch TV, and play angry birds on our cell phones. We are explorers, builders, inventors, writers, So get out there, get out of your comfort zone, and go have fun!  Learn something new, be something new, live a full and happy life, with people you enjoy it with.


Death and Us

Death is a natural part of life.  I think we all understand that.  However it doesn't make it any easier when it happens.  When you love someone or something such as an animal.  They become part of your life, your companion, your friend, and when they pass you feel lost, empty, alone.  It's times like this when family and friends really show themselves.  These people will do everything you can to make you feel better. Even aquaintences will do what they can.  Just to help you feel better, with kinds words and support.

now in my case family over the years minus of course having kids has really become something important for me.  I grew up in a military family, trav.ing around the country and rarely seeing my family and when we did it was a week long vacation to Boston.  So splitting our time between all the family was tough.

i remember the first person who died in my family.  It was my great grandmother.  For years she had struggled with dimensha.  I remember a time when we went home to see them.  And it seemed to be a good conversation with her (she was having a good day.  So my Grandma Wanda starts asking my sister and I what we wanted to do when we grow up.  My sister says a Vet, I tell her I want to be a solder like my father.  We change topics and her dimensha starts to kick in.  She asks me again, I repeat my answer, she asks again, I say the same thing.  So shortly before we leave she asked me again, and I told her.  Grandma I would like be a proctologist.  My parents start laughing.  She never asked me again.  I just blurted out an answer I had no idea.  So we say our goodbyes and we get tin the car.  My mother looks back and me and goes Ryan... Do you know what a proctologist so is?  I was like no but she kept asking me so I just said something.  My mom replays.  "Ryan a proctologist is a butt Doctor".  Yep... That's right I told my Great grandmother I was going to be a butt Doctor.  Good times.  

The next was the loss of my new born 05.  Not really much to say about this.  He was born 15 weeks early, my x wife was told she could fly.  So she went home on vacation while I was on TDY getting ready to deploy to Iraq.   Well she shouldn't have.  She went into labor 3 days later. So on August 27th my son John Anthony was born named after our fathers.  He died 13 days later in my arms, the only time I got to hold him. I was 21 at the time.  The nurse was heart broken, he dropped to his knees and just started crying.  He was the dedicated nurse to my son, and did everything he could.  But my lil mans lungs where just not strong enough.  I never got to express my emissions for this.  I was a soldier, getting ready to deploy to Iraq, my young wife needed my strength and we had a 1 year old daughter to take care of.  But I have a tatto on my right chest that I see every morning so I never forget him.  He was buried in Arlington Cemetary and when I pass on, he will be dug up and I placed under neath him, once again resting on me.

since then, I've lost two aunts, a few friends in the wars.  Death is never easy.  It hurts.  We want them back, we always question if the was something we should have said.  But the ones we love wouldn't want us to morn them. But celebrate their life, our love, their friendship.  They wouldn't want us to stop what we are doing and fall apart, but continue to live and love and push on.  Its hard! It's not something that you just flip a switch and say " Okay I'm done greeving".  Greeving is okay.  It's healthy, if your greeving, reach out to your friends, your family, talk with them, laugh with them.  Remember the good times of the one you lost.  It will get better.  I promise you all!!! It will get better!


I'm not saying I wake up in fear, but I live in fear.  I'm not afraid of terrorist or anyone hurting me or anything like that.  I know how to handle myself.  I'm afraid of failure.  I'm afraid of letting my kids down, my parents down, my mentors, my friends, my pastor... I would say God but we know it doesn't work that way.

See growing up I was raised to be a soldier, plain and simple, my father was a soldier, matter fact yesterday was 31 years since he had joined the Army to become a tank commander for the M60As before they where replaced after the golf war by the M1 Abrams.  Anyways so was raised as a solider, my grandfather, and father before him, even on my mothers side all her brothers, father, of both parents where in the service, army, navy, he'll there ins a photo of my great great grand father in WW I that looks just like me. I mean to a T.  So I enlisted myself before I even graduated highschool.  My fathers lasts official duty as an Officer was to enlist me into the army.  He swore me in.  It was awesome.  I went off to basic and blew out my knee.  I was medically discharged, and had to Waite two more years before I was able to re-enlist, this time graduating and being shipped off to my line unit.  However shortly before I was able to fully serve my first term, I was given an honorable discharge due to the loss of a prematurely born child, the x wife pretty much went insane and became a hazard to our Gunter, and with my unit being deployed they felt it was my family's best interest to discharge me.  It sucked! 

Devastated with no college, no additional education I was no a civilian, luckily for me I had a talent for graphics and computers so I did that.  For the next 10 years I struggled, crap jobs, great jobs, tight on money, not tight on money... I mean everything that could happen was happening.  

It wasn't until moving to Texs that things became clear for me, where I found a "home" I found a place where I wanted to be, I wanted to live, where I could thrive.  But it wouldn't last.  Shortly after I full filled promise to my wife (now x) of buying our own house and land, she cheated on me, with some overweight white trash drug addict loser, she ends up leaving me, I divorce her, I threw away everything I had, my job, my house, my land EVERYTHING to try and save my marriage for my two kids.  I mean shit I've been with this women for 13 years... Why not right?

Fast forward 2 more years... Here I am not allowed to see my children because of some out right lies where some liberal judge believed everything she said EVEN THOUGH we had documented proof that she was straight up lieing to the judge, about numerous things... I lost.  That two year prevention ends in a few months, where I will strike back, sue the living shit out of her and take custody of my children, but until that day... I will continue to sacrifice my life for them.  See everything I do is for my kids, EVERYTHING.  The deals I make, the money I make, the people I meet, the connections are all for my children, I work 18+ hour days because when my kids ask me what I've been doing the past two years I want them to see that daddy never gave up, I continued busting my ass for them when, that I built something for them, something for them to be proud of that their father never gave up on them, and unlike their mother who now struggles and has no personal life, no privacy, because this loser knows she can do better than his loser ass... Daddy continued to thrive on his own, and built them a home of love, wealth, and with a future.... So I fear of this loss. I had isn't all before and I threw It all away for them.  

Now that's my children.  For my family it's another story.  My father is the patriot arc of this family, he has two other brothers who do well.  But when my grand father died he was able to die in peace knowing that his sons will be okay,  that the wife he s leaving behind will be taken care of until the day she joined him... And my father has done just that.  He has taken care of the family, done everything he could for anyone, and someday it will be my turn to assume the position of the head of the family.

i fear that like both my grand fathers and like their fathers and a few more on my dads side I will die of Parkinson's as its a genetic disease, 

this is another reason why I drowned myself in my work.  If I stop to do anything but have fun, or sleep I start to think of my kids, I start to think of the disease plaguing my family, if I stay busy I don't think about it, but it burns me out, but I keep going, I keep pushing, I wasn't raised to ever give up.  But I push forward in fear of defeat even though the dos are stacked against me, I continue to push forward.  And on top of all of that because everything I'm involved in, I can not associate with my friends here in VA because of the crap they are still involved in.  So I don't go out, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I sit at my desk grinding away, maube put on my ps4 and play the new Tom Clancy game the division, or MLB The Show 16 and try to have some fund to relax...

i out on a tough guy act like nothing is bothers me, but deep down, I hurt just like everyone else.  You will never see me cry, you won't see me get angry, I hide it and push on. Because when you have people depending on you... That's what you do.  You suck it up, you push forward and do what needs to be done.



Let's start from the beginning.  Most of the veterans know me, they may not remember me at this point to be honest as I've been gone off doing other projects, and venturing out on my own. 

So when I originally took over this project back in 2014, we had a huge task ahead of us.  We purchased a domain from a community on an outdated hacked together platform that had no ability to be upgraded, and since the previous company really didn't care they had no intentions of giving us the code, so where forced to upgrade and we went to Invision Board, one of the leading systems for forums.  Now we knew you guys where happy with how it was before, but there was no chance of it staying that way.  As I said the system was out dated, it needed a massive overhaul.  

So we put you all on IPB3 (current version at the time).  There was of course resistance, and a massive push to get everything settled, rebuild and organized and help move the moment forward.  With the hope that you the community would be able to continue thriving and be able to manage this site on your own without our help.  Now you guys did a good job, but membership declined which is always a problem for any community.  While Help.com was being rebranded and built for a bigger purpose.  HelpToGo.com was left to fend for itself. 

Every once and awhile @Padre J Roulston would shoot me a message on Facebook and ask me a question and I would log in to help out, but until recently everything seemed to be going okay.  Until one day I got a message where licenses where expired, plugins where not working and HelpToGo.com has all but come to a grinding halt.  I reached out to the owners of the domain, asked to step back in and take over.  So here I am, in complete full control, free to do whatever I want with no limits minus of course completely turning off the site.  I don't think the owners of the domain would be happy about that.  Specially since the guy is freaking amazing, I mean talk about a nice guy!.

Anyways so when I took over I invested little over $500 of my own personal funds to get HelpToGo.com updated to the latest system, purchased some new plugins and features and off I went.  It took about a week longer than I wanted to get upgraded but as we hit our final approach I was informed that the server itself had to be upgraded, with the server hosting being unaviable, I once again reached out to the owner of the domain we got this all sorted out.

So here we are.  The latest version of the site, with plenty of work to be done, and very little time to get it done.  But this is what I do.   Hell as we speak I'm talking with my IT guys as to why the mass email I just sent out is not going out properly, as I was informed our email issues where resolved.  So besides it being 2am EST, and me being overalled exhausted, I now have to stay up and continue dealing with shit that shouldn't be an issue any longer.... rather annoyed atm.  I'm hoping it's on their end and not ours to be honest.

The hardest part about all this is not the coding of the pages, it's the traffic, it's the SEO, getting new and fresh content, giving people a reason to come to our site.  That's the biggest issue.  Although I feel that we will do just fine in the end.

So I'm off for the night... If I wake up and find 2,600+ return mails in my inbox... I'm going to be PISSED! I may even walk out on my deck and throw a rock at a bird in the tree that woke me up at 5am because it wouldn't shut the hell up! who knows honestly what I may do! Either way, I'm sure it wont be pleasant for the person on the other end of my WRATH!!! LoL 

Anyways night all!, and for the new and return members WELCOME!