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Fear...Anxiety...it's a daily thing for me

TehJackal

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I'm not saying I wake up in fear, but I live in fear.  I'm not afraid of terrorist or anyone hurting me or anything like that.  I know how to handle myself.  I'm afraid of failure.  I'm afraid of letting my kids down, my parents down, my mentors, my friends, my pastor... I would say God but we know it doesn't work that way.

See growing up I was raised to be a soldier, plain and simple, my father was a soldier, matter fact yesterday was 31 years since he had joined the Army to become a tank commander for the M60As before they where replaced after the golf war by the M1 Abrams.  Anyways so was raised as a solider, my grandfather, and father before him, even on my mothers side all her brothers, father, of both parents where in the service, army, navy, he'll there ins a photo of my great great grand father in WW I that looks just like me. I mean to a T.  So I enlisted myself before I even graduated highschool.  My fathers lasts official duty as an Officer was to enlist me into the army.  He swore me in.  It was awesome.  I went off to basic and blew out my knee.  I was medically discharged, and had to Waite two more years before I was able to re-enlist, this time graduating and being shipped off to my line unit.  However shortly before I was able to fully serve my first term, I was given an honorable discharge due to the loss of a prematurely born child, the x wife pretty much went insane and became a hazard to our Gunter, and with my unit being deployed they felt it was my family's best interest to discharge me.  It sucked! 

Devastated with no college, no additional education I was no a civilian, luckily for me I had a talent for graphics and computers so I did that.  For the next 10 years I struggled, crap jobs, great jobs, tight on money, not tight on money... I mean everything that could happen was happening.  

It wasn't until moving to Texs that things became clear for me, where I found a "home" I found a place where I wanted to be, I wanted to live, where I could thrive.  But it wouldn't last.  Shortly after I full filled promise to my wife (now x) of buying our own house and land, she cheated on me, with some overweight white trash drug addict loser, she ends up leaving me, I divorce her, I threw away everything I had, my job, my house, my land EVERYTHING to try and save my marriage for my two kids.  I mean shit I've been with this women for 13 years... Why not right?

Fast forward 2 more years... Here I am not allowed to see my children because of some out right lies where some liberal judge believed everything she said EVEN THOUGH we had documented proof that she was straight up lieing to the judge, about numerous things... I lost.  That two year prevention ends in a few months, where I will strike back, sue the living shit out of her and take custody of my children, but until that day... I will continue to sacrifice my life for them.  See everything I do is for my kids, EVERYTHING.  The deals I make, the money I make, the people I meet, the connections are all for my children, I work 18+ hour days because when my kids ask me what I've been doing the past two years I want them to see that daddy never gave up, I continued busting my ass for them when, that I built something for them, something for them to be proud of that their father never gave up on them, and unlike their mother who now struggles and has no personal life, no privacy, because this loser knows she can do better than his loser ass... Daddy continued to thrive on his own, and built them a home of love, wealth, and with a future.... So I fear of this loss. I had isn't all before and I threw It all away for them.  

Now that's my children.  For my family it's another story.  My father is the patriot arc of this family, he has two other brothers who do well.  But when my grand father died he was able to die in peace knowing that his sons will be okay,  that the wife he s leaving behind will be taken care of until the day she joined him... And my father has done just that.  He has taken care of the family, done everything he could for anyone, and someday it will be my turn to assume the position of the head of the family.

i fear that like both my grand fathers and like their fathers and a few more on my dads side I will die of Parkinson's as its a genetic disease, 

this is another reason why I drowned myself in my work.  If I stop to do anything but have fun, or sleep I start to think of my kids, I start to think of the disease plaguing my family, if I stay busy I don't think about it, but it burns me out, but I keep going, I keep pushing, I wasn't raised to ever give up.  But I push forward in fear of defeat even though the dos are stacked against me, I continue to push forward.  And on top of all of that because everything I'm involved in, I can not associate with my friends here in VA because of the crap they are still involved in.  So I don't go out, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I sit at my desk grinding away, maube put on my ps4 and play the new Tom Clancy game the division, or MLB The Show 16 and try to have some fund to relax...

i out on a tough guy act like nothing is bothers me, but deep down, I hurt just like everyone else.  You will never see me cry, you won't see me get angry, I hide it and push on. Because when you have people depending on you... That's what you do.  You suck it up, you push forward and do what needs to be done.

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Wow Ryan I had no idea about your life struggles . I'm glad you've shared that story  because that proves what kind of a a man you are. You  are one hell of an inspiration.  You have real spirit! And that's a sign of a true Gentleman.

Do you still get to spend time with your kids?

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Wow thats an amazing story.

A lot of people would have given up by now and feel sorry for themselves.

I admire you, I feel like giving up alot but hearing what you have achieved gives me hope.

I really hope you get your kids back, it sucks how screwed up and unfair the justice system of most countries are. 

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1 hour ago, Nix said:

Wow thats an amazing story.

A lot of people would have given up by now and feel sorry for themselves.

I admire you, I feel like giving up alot but hearing what you have achieved gives me hope.

I really hope you get your kids back, it sucks how screwed up and unfair the justice system of most countries are. 

Thank you,  but unfortunately not at the moment.  However my recent efforts to put her in jail may change that as she is pretty much in the process of planning to kidnap my children (ie; our divorce decree says she can not move out of these two states, and she is planning to take them 1/2 way across the country) Once she does that, it's kidnapping and I will have her put in jail, file emergency custody of my children, and go from there!  Should be a fun few months.

Padre J Roulston likes this

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