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Death and Us



Death is a natural part of life.  I think we all understand that.  However it doesn't make it any easier when it happens.  When you love someone or something such as an animal.  They become part of your life, your companion, your friend, and when they pass you feel lost, empty, alone.  It's times like this when family and friends really show themselves.  These people will do everything you can to make you feel better. Even aquaintences will do what they can.  Just to help you feel better, with kinds words and support.

now in my case family over the years minus of course having kids has really become something important for me.  I grew up in a military family, trav.ing around the country and rarely seeing my family and when we did it was a week long vacation to Boston.  So splitting our time between all the family was tough.

i remember the first person who died in my family.  It was my great grandmother.  For years she had struggled with dimensha.  I remember a time when we went home to see them.  And it seemed to be a good conversation with her (she was having a good day.  So my Grandma Wanda starts asking my sister and I what we wanted to do when we grow up.  My sister says a Vet, I tell her I want to be a solder like my father.  We change topics and her dimensha starts to kick in.  She asks me again, I repeat my answer, she asks again, I say the same thing.  So shortly before we leave she asked me again, and I told her.  Grandma I would like be a proctologist.  My parents start laughing.  She never asked me again.  I just blurted out an answer I had no idea.  So we say our goodbyes and we get tin the car.  My mother looks back and me and goes Ryan... Do you know what a proctologist so is?  I was like no but she kept asking me so I just said something.  My mom replays.  "Ryan a proctologist is a butt Doctor".  Yep... That's right I told my Great grandmother I was going to be a butt Doctor.  Good times.  

The next was the loss of my new born 05.  Not really much to say about this.  He was born 15 weeks early, my x wife was told she could fly.  So she went home on vacation while I was on TDY getting ready to deploy to Iraq.   Well she shouldn't have.  She went into labor 3 days later. So on August 27th my son John Anthony was born named after our fathers.  He died 13 days later in my arms, the only time I got to hold him. I was 21 at the time.  The nurse was heart broken, he dropped to his knees and just started crying.  He was the dedicated nurse to my son, and did everything he could.  But my lil mans lungs where just not strong enough.  I never got to express my emissions for this.  I was a soldier, getting ready to deploy to Iraq, my young wife needed my strength and we had a 1 year old daughter to take care of.  But I have a tatto on my right chest that I see every morning so I never forget him.  He was buried in Arlington Cemetary and when I pass on, he will be dug up and I placed under neath him, once again resting on me.

since then, I've lost two aunts, a few friends in the wars.  Death is never easy.  It hurts.  We want them back, we always question if the was something we should have said.  But the ones we love wouldn't want us to morn them. But celebrate their life, our love, their friendship.  They wouldn't want us to stop what we are doing and fall apart, but continue to live and love and push on.  Its hard! It's not something that you just flip a switch and say " Okay I'm done greeving".  Greeving is okay.  It's healthy, if your greeving, reach out to your friends, your family, talk with them, laugh with them.  Remember the good times of the one you lost.  It will get better.  I promise you all!!! It will get better!

Padre J Roulston likes this
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Thanks again for sharing Ryan,you have also suffered a great loss. Im trying to write a reply but my tears won't stop falling and words are rolling into 1.I really don't know what to say which is a first for me. I'm broken again and hurting so much I can't explain.

Your right grief is always there and we should celebrate our loved ones life butI want my Stephen back.My life will never be the same again,he was my only one true love. Its not right him not being here but I am.My family are the ones keeping me going but I want to be with my Stephen so much. I'm angry I've had strong words with my son words I can't take back. I'm heartbroki

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We were childhood sweethearts,we were together for 31yrs. I don't know how to be alone. He's always been there with/for me. Everything is constant reminder what I have lost.I'm lost. I don't know who I am anymore,he took my soul .I'm a shell.

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There is a wound. No doubt about it. Even with my own limited experience with grief and loss, there is still the wound these years later. It will take time for you to find yourself again. When we get married, two become one flesh. And now half of you is gone. You have to find out who you are now. Who you are going to become. 

The learning curb is a steep one. More like a mountain really. But you don't have to climb that mountain alone. We are here with you. We are going to help you. Every step of the way. *hugs*

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When my x wife left me, I was devistated, I stopped eating, lost weight, looked sickley so much so one of my best friends and mentors thought I was doing drugs it was that bad.  My entire world had been upside down.  But I remember... I've got two baby's that I need to stay strong for, that rely on their daddy to keep moving forward.  That look towards me for guidance and strength and as much as I hurt on a daily basis, I keep pushing no matter how desppressed I get, and it's freaking hard sometimes, I mean real hard, there are times where I can not design or get anything done for weeks, then a client comes a knocking and I'm like OH SHIT! and I hammer out a bad ass website in 24 hrs lol.... Because I'm that good ;) But I digress, the point is @Gone. The pain of losing a loved one will never go away, only dull over time.  You will learn to live with it, and it will guide you.  I know I'm much younger than you, and I fear the day that I lose my parents, both my parents family have a history of health issues, I mean my father takes really good care of himself, but my mother not so much ya know... anyways... I'm always worried, as I said before I always live in fear of something.

In your case though... Your companion, your best friend, your foundation is gone.  You feel knocked on your ass and you have no idea how to get up.  In my humble opinion you need to take a deep breath every morning... open your eyes, and simply tell yourself Today is a new day, and it's going to be great.  Find a new hobby, make some new friends, find ways to distract yourself from your lose.  Your not Forgetting about him, which is a VERY common fear for those living from those who have passed.  But you are simply doing what your Husband would want you to do.  

I've not been around until Recently @Gone. but I'm here now, and if you ever need to just chat, you can add me to your list.  

As my father always tells me.  "Keep your chin up, your boots tied tight, and keep moving forward.  You got this bud! Now show the world what you can do!"

Padre J Roulston likes this

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Please forgive me but I just can't find the words ATM.Thank youu for being here for me,it really does help and I know it will take time,but I don't plan on ever giving up

We talked about what we would o if ever one of us passed. I told him we would go together because I couldn't imagine living without him,he told me I should stay and look after the boys and the grandchildren.I said if god was listening he would make sure we went together. When he died in my arms I wondered why was I left behind. 

Stephen must've known he was dying because he told my son to look after me a couple of weeks before he died. Other things that I recently remembered he told me not to worry because I won't be on my own for long. Little things are starting to add up. The postmortem revealed acutemila cardiac insufficiency. Other than that he was in great condition. I just don't undesrtand why I havnt spotted the signs earlier.

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As we are taught by the many different versions of the word from God.  This one phrase stays the same.  "God will never give us anything that we can not handle".    

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