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About Peacemaker

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  1. That's what it feels like, the pain. Running through my veins. I tried to search this, if anyone else feels this when they get sad or emotionally hurt. Only results for fibromyalgia, MS, postpartum depression, and something to do with diabetes came up. So this is here now. My body feels so weak, I have homework to do, but I felt the need to just say something and this was my refuge at a point in my life, so I come here again. Just to say, my arms feel heavy with any effort of movement, and the pain runs in like a drip, and I feel it in my blood. My fingers are paralysed from the pain. My body heats up, I feel my face burning. All I want to do is lie there, fall asleep. But I have so much to do tonight, and I don't want to do any of it. It sucks to feel this way.
  2. Alcohol ruins a lot when it becomes a common factor in a household. I think you handled things well, you were right to intervene, your natural instinct is to protect the one being oppressed, if roles were reversed you would be protecting your dad. I agree with what Max has said, everyone has to know where everyone else stands in order to work through this. He has to realise what he is risking with his behaviour. You have my best wishes, protect yourself and your mother, the best thing you can do for your dad is help him out of this.
  3. I'm thankful for wonderful people who find things to be thankful for, also for places of peace.
  4. I'm thankful for the green that surrounds me, now that spring is really here.
  5. Somelove, I know you are right, to get out of my comfort zone, I guess I'm waiting to be ready for the jump. It takes a while to build up courage. But I will start small. Max, I'm very excited for independence, I feel stuck often, and that will be gone soon when I can do something about it. I don't take things personally on the road, I just wish people had a little more common sense and consideration for others' safety. Hello Tymbus, I'm still young enough to do stupid things but old enough to know they're stupid. Thank you for your advice, I most certainly won't drive to any major city where traffic is murderous. I'll take the train instead I used to do ballet when I was a lot younger, and I was fine performing on stage, I wish I had carried on - It would have probably helped with confidence. The world and society doesn't find me in a happy state lately, mainly because of the state it is in. I tend to avoid news, because most of it's bad and that affects my state of mind. I do plan to be surrounded by the things and people I like someday (everything positive). My goal is to work towards that, I won't settle until I'm there. Who I am, is a product of my environment. I feel most driven when I act upon my beliefs, but I slump into a state of inaction, that is at my worst. It is difficult to get back to that pattern once I'm so far away from it. And again, I should start small to get back to where I want to be. I appreciate all of your guys' input, it has helped.
  6. I'm treating this like an occasional diary entry (feel free to not read or respond if you so wish), I feel better when I talk about things, since I don't have anyone to really say these things to, except my mom. But I don't have to tell her how I feel because she already knows it all. I get to drive on my own soon, I'm getting my license, and it's pretty late, but I waited a long time, mainly because I was nervous. I'm excited about going somewhere on my own, having no other influence over what I want to do. I've also been feeling less nervous when I speak over the phone with strangers, could be determination to get my license sorted out, but I'll take the victory. Going to the dmv was terrifying, a lot of people there, and to say I dislike crowds is an understatement. I can tolerate crowds if they're places of worship, and concerts. There, the people are focused on one thing. I drove home, people were rude on the road, a guy overtook a bicycle, swerved into my lane right in front of me. My dad grabbed the wheel to stop me from swerving off completely. I need to get a lot more driving in before the test, it would be nice to have the roads to myself. And I need a new pair of glasses before I go for the test, my eyesight has gotten worse (the last test said my eyes were okay enough to drive, but I don't feel comfortable anymore). Today I was having moments of sadness, I miss my uncle who was my main father figure growing up. Watching my little brother with my dad made me think of myself and my uncle at that age and how I wish I could go back to those moments. And I also recognise the sadness in the fact that those moments were few and far between with my own dad. But in all honesty, I'm happy I had my uncle, although a very bad role model in some aspects, he was a great one in many others. I only wish he had an easier life. Losing family scares me, I'm farthest away from the ones I care the most about, and coming close to losing them unsettles me in more ways that I can handle. Also, I find it hard to tell where other people end and I begin, it's difficult being around other people when who I am is not set in stone. I know it's common to mimic other people's personality traits or other characteristics. I don't mimic mannerisms or anything like that, I feel like I adopt people's feelings/disorders. And I'm aware of it, I have been for ages, having friends with disorders, I picked them up, friends changed and those thoughts/feelings changed. Whenever I notice a change in my thinking/feeling, it may not be 'me' but my mimicking of someone else I spend time with. Anxiety (mainly social) is the one thing that stays, so I believe that is mine. So, as of now, I'm not sure if what I feel is really 'me' feeling it. I have reasons as to why I feel the way I do, it makes sense to me why it is really 'me' feeling this way, but it's not something I've experienced for a really long time. It's likely that it's hormonal, because I've changed the pattern in my medication recently. The disorder-mimicking thing, I've only told my mom because she's the one person who wouldn't think me silly for suggesting it.
  7. Lol, thanks Max. I like your take on it. I am doing what I like, keeping my mind occupied. Don't feel like thinking much, I'm just pretending to be motivated to do all my schoolwork and get my life sorted out. I'm hoping it turns into real motivation once I see that I'm going somewhere, I dislike feeling stuck. I'm should be writing more, but I've gone backwards, I think I have writer's block, so I've started drawing instead, although I'm new to it - so not that great. I do find drawing easier than painting. And then my plants, I need to plant them outside soon, they will die if I don't hurry with that. Plants help me, because they're a substitute for my cat.
  8. Thank you for responding to me somelove. After being in a low for a few days, I'm feeling a bit better today. And I know many people feel the need to lie to 'fit in' with 'societal norms' - I don't do that, I say exactly what I did, most of the time I just say "nothing" because I don't feel like elaborating on every movement I made. I appreciate your encouragement, talking to people, especially strangers, is a big deal to me. I'm somewhat upset that others find it so easy to do public speaking or even have the courage to talk to a stranger, and I know that some people have it worse than I do. But that doesn't help me overcome my own fears. I know who I am and what I want, I don't always know what I feel or why I feel the way I do. Exploring myself feels like a spiral down a dark hole. But you are right, I should try to understand myself. I wish I had the motivation to finish everything I need to. To your last few sentences, I think that technology plays a huge role in how we socialise. Instant messaging services rule out talking face to face or talking over the phone. Young people everywhere just stare at the phones in public, which blocks people from having any kind of valuable interaction. Then, people with anxiety issues are too afraid to approach others and having zombies around staring at their phones does not help ease people with social anxiety, it makes everyone else seem more unapproachable. I think people want to socialise, but are going about it the wrong way. We are social beings, but virtual interactions are becoming more popular and are making people more lonely, I think. And I don't think it's going to change, it will only get worse. And thus, more psychopaths and sociopaths emerge from loneliness, seeking love from people who do not know how to extend it in any meaningful way.
  9. I'm thankful for words, and coffee although I can't have too much - it's one of the best tasting things in the world. And I'm thankful for painkillers, for when the headache kicks in.
  10. I don't really a have a friend I can just say random things to anymore, whatever is on my mind. And it may seem like something insignificant to be able to do, but I have to keep all my thoughts to myself, mainly because it is no of interest to others and I respect that so I keep them. And it doesn't help to say these thoughts to random friends I have because I want one person to say them all to. It's amazing how one person just keep everything together, like a constant that just makes everything flow correctly throughout the day even if they are not in it. So, here are my thoughts. My dreams are getting better, they are of things I can stand, like squirrels and stuff. I don't like dreaming of people, especially ones I miss. I used to have vivid dreams for a while (bad/nightmares - no good ones). Now they're just silly and if I'm lucky to get up quickly enough after waking up I don't remember my dreams at all. I've planted corn, and they're growing well. After something tried to eat them, I managed to save them. We're getting a dog soon (my family), and I'm scared for it, because if we leave it alone in the house for too long, I'm worried of the anxiety it will suffer because of that. I'm not overly fond of dogs but I still feel compassion and would feel upset if I don't think it's being looked after properly. I suggested a companion, but 2 dogs are expensive, and a cat is a no-no since my dad is allergic. Thinking about cats upset me because I miss mine and want one so badly. They make me feel less alone, and I feel pretty alone. I have friends, don't get me wrong, but noone I don't feel awkward around, my social energy runs down quickly, especially when I start feeling anxious having to talk to people and think of things to say, and look people in the eyes. That happens Monday - 5 people; Wednesday - 11 people; Friday - 3 people. Friday is my favourite day - I get to go home early too. The other days, I stay home, I try to go out sometimes, but I usually just end up wishing I had stayed home, even if I started out enjoying myself. My brother is also around now, living with us - things went to shite there, I don't know how long he will be living with us because of how screwed up it all is, and my dad needs to keep an eye on him so he doesn't disappear. Having him around was fine in the beginning until we found out the lies, and I didn't have a good relationship with him to start, so now I just feel my state of mind getting worse. I really don't like people asking me about what I did over the weekend because it is the same thing every weekend and they ask me if I had fun. I am a happy person in general, but I'm just feeling low tonight, this is how my thoughts travel, I try not to think most of the time, I just get sad that life isn't how I wish it could be. I'm scared that I'm going to be the one everyone relies on for money one day when I'm expected to be a normal member of society making money and doing whatever people are meant to do once they get a job, because I really don't want money, I want a self/community-sufficient life style, and I'd be happy to include them in that plan but they want something more normal, city/suburban life - I just want to be on a farm. Also, my goal in getting my degree is to make some money, so that I can go back to study what I'm passionate about - because there is no money in what I like. And I would also like to help my family where I can. There is just so much obligation, and I'm afraid I wont have much help with things as they are now. Mainly, I'm scared of everything. It's a bad way of looking at things, but if I were drugged up I think I'd find things so much easier to do. It would be nice to just be able to talk to someone without becoming terrified. Can I just pretend I don't hate it? Will it go away? I should add, I don't intend on doing drugs, I meant medication. I don't feel like I'm on the right path, and usually I'm the person saying, "you are where you're meant to be." O' Helper, help me. I have a lot of work to do that I really don't feel like doing right now. And I have to start eating better and less. And, my mother, I miss you.
  11. The end times
  12. I had so many accounts I wanted to delete, I ended up changing the email address to a new email account and then deleted the email account. I know it's pointless, but I wanted to make sure I wouldn't be able to get back into those accounts. I think having an option to delete your account would be good.