Sasha24

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About Sasha24

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  • Birthday 03/01/1990

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  1. Hi, Sorry that I went missing for a very long time. Just got the time to write here again. And thanks for all of your replies. I broke my limit 2 weeks ago, but I am still alive, although I have still have suicidal thoughts. I was thinking of something, to move out, completely, and start over somewhere else. Just about to execute the plan, I am now fixed to someone to marry, it's coming soon, on next year February. Everyone is so excited to make my marriage happen, I don't know why wont I feel the same, as if it's not meant for me. I've already secured a job, but then my marriage is fixed and I will be moving to a different state with my husband in another four months. People are putting expectations on me, and they have no idea what I am going through. At this point, if I try to move out, or do any drastic move, it would ruin everyone's happiness wont it? I don't know how to deal with this. From the bottom of my heart, I am not keen to get married to somebody, because I just want to live in peace, although I have to deal with my thoughts alone. I know each one of us need a company, I use to feel that need too, but now I'm only thinking how to end whatever that's happening right now, and run really far from everything, to start a new life, new job, new people, totally new environment. What stopping me is the thought of how I would ruin my fiance's life by leaving without a word, how would my parents feel, how would they face anyone after that? I actually told my mom that I'm doing this for her, this whole marriage thing, and she's saying its her responsibility for everything to go smoothly. i have this evil thought. of not letting people to be happy, because I was never happy in my life. You know, if I stop this marriage, I will ruin my fiance's life, but I might be starting a new life somewhere else, also it is not for sure that I may life happily if I run away. Gosh its so frustrating right now. All I want is to be happy and in peace. I've been going through a lot of websites on how to attempt suicide, I got it all ready, but I dont have the courage to do it. :/ I can't live and I can't die. Stuck in the middle.
  2. Here I am, once again, broken, hurt, depressed, disappointed, alone and suffering. I'm cheating myself thinking that I am Actually happy, but I am not. I've been highly suicidal for past three weeks, fighting really hard, and its so difficult that I have to fight it alone, and nobody knows that I'm feeling this way. I've lost my job because of my severe suicidal thoughts, and I couldn't concentrate at work, so i quit willingly, brought myself somewhere I don't even know, walked on the street, not knowing my destination. No, its not my fault that I quit my job. Why would they blame me for loosing my job? Why was i treated that way at work? I wanted to stay longer in that job, wanted to make difference in my life, wanted to be better, but I couldn't accept how I was treated there, being scolded, hurt, and screamed at, for nothing that I did. I was still leaning, and people learn from mistakes right? I still took everything, came back home everyday, put on a fake smile to everyone, and cry myself to sleep and then back to work on next morning. Yeah I told what was happening, to my mother, whom I thought would understand what I was trying to say, but then I was just treated like crap, my thoughts and feelings were not bothered, and got hurt a little more.I hate saying this, but I think my mother made me feel worst than how i feel at work. I really love her, and I wish she could understand me better than others. My colleagues at work do not treat me like a friend, but more of a wicked stranger, a psycho, made me feel like I'm just so different than them. Just because of those scars on my wrist? Why was I avoided because of my scars? I just want to make new friends and start over, but what was my fault? My trainer screams at my face everyday, and i had to break down in tears everyday in the washroom, because I couldn't hold on anymore. Everytime she screams at me, I wish I was good at something, I wish I could be better and I wish i don't have to make her scream at me. I actually felt pity for her, and thinking that, why did I even exist to be such a big burden for her? So that's why I quit my job, I came back home, and wishing someone will comfort me, someone will talk to me to make me feel better, but nobody did, everyone was angry at me that I quit my job, and they were thinking that I am a big burden to them. I was so upset, and I only wanted someone to talk to. My parents made an arranged meeting between me and my fiance, and in months we're getting engaged and married, we've been talking on the phone every night and he doesn't know anything that I'm going through, he knows from my voice if im upset, but I really don't wanna bother him with what I am feeling everyday. He's a happy man with a successful career, I'm just opposite of that. I've even started to think that it's not worth it for him to marry me because I wouldn't be beneficial to him in anything, because I'm not even capable of taking care of myself. I feel he deserves better. I really don't wanna hurt him by saying this, so I thought of just leaving everything, everyone and end it. I'm really getting scared, because these thoughts are starting to haunt me everyday, and I'm afraid I might just do it, I wanna run really far, far from everything till I don't have to think about all these anymore. My heart can't accept anymore burden. I was thinking of ending it this week, but its just NOT YET. It's always been NOT YET, and I have no idea why I'm not ready to go. I swear everyone would be happier and do not have live through my problems. My marriage may be fixed on March 2015, and my family is struggling to make this happen. I just can't see them doing that, forcing themselves to make my marriage happen. Instead, if I died, they just need to get me a coffin, and burn me. Saves so much rather than spending thousands for marriage.It's really not worth it. Besides, I can't perform the best to impress my in laws later, I just feel that I might let them down as well. I've thought ahead, that it wont work anymore. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, that I lost everything in life, that I hate every moment that I'm alive right now. I need an exit.
  3. Thank you Max, appreciate your help
  4. Yes pady-oe, I'll maintain the positive mind and work my way out towards achieving my goals. I'll try to control my feelings and emotions in order stay away from suicidal mind. I'll keep myself busy with happy things around me.
  5. Thank you so much Ellinui, I'm happy for myself that I'm finally getting over these thoughts in my head, and I'm learning to accept myself the way I am. LOL virtual world I meant Facebook, Twitter etc hahaha but wouldn't stop being here in this world (website) full of people who understands, who went through, and who are keen to help others in need. I really appreciate it much.
  6. Good news!! I got the job, finally, and I'm starting next week, I've prepared documents for it these past few days. Oh and I've made several changes to myself though. I guess many. I've deleted my social network account, I've stopped chatting in chatspaces, I've created new hobbies. I just don't wanna stuck in virtual world anymore and it's time to move to reality and meet real people in real world. I guess this would be a great step towards recovery from the old me. I want to start fresh, all over again, with a new job, I wanna make new friends at my workplace, I don't wanna be ashamed of my scars anymore and I guess that's the only way for me to gain my self esteem back without being shy. Since I've stopped engaging in social networks, I've started to read blogs, learn programming(something I used to like during my university times, and I pretty much scored well in that particular subject), I've also started recording or writing down whatever things I do each day in an online notepad, each and every night before I go to sleep, I would talk to myself too ,of what I've done and what happened, and then tell myself that time heals everything and I will be better tomorrow. I've also started looking for classes to join maybe in a month or two, and exercising in low intensity every morning, to be fit again. For now, I've put away the thought of being in a relationship or finding a partner, because I thought that I have to put myself in a good position first, and bring myself up to have good confidence over myself, and to a certain level till I can manage my own emotions and feelings. I'm not gonna indulge in finding a partner, I'm just gonna let it happen by itself, and while that I'm going to focus on my career and my own life. I've also planned long term goals and I'm working towards it already. Although I have no friends or anyone to share, I've been writing on my blog, and also here now, and on my own notepad in order for me to know where I stand each day and each moment. Though its difficult, I'm glad I'm trying to get back up and to sort things out. I went out earlier today to look for some home remedies to heal the scars, and found a few, I'm gonna start applying it, don't know how long it's gonna take, but I'll have to be patient. All I did to change this way, is by having hope on myself and the believe that changes will happen and my life will also change and I will be better and better, and I'm praying everyday although at times its hard going through difficulties, I'm keeping my head high up and not letting myself to be depressed or sad, instead I would be listening to inspiring songs, and write, or learn, or do anything to keep myself distracted and learned to control how I feel and react towards each situations. I'm gonna keep doing this, and forever because it actually helps me to forget my past, and to live the present. Thank you all, I appreciate your help much , I'll keep updating on changes... <3
  7. Well, I've already gone through my interview. It was difficult for me to face those interviewers as I'm just not feeling good and down, but I tried my best so I would be knowing whether I'm employed, in another 1 to 2 weeks. I haven't got the chance to meet my doctor again cuz she's been busy so she is extending the date of my appointment. I was out these few days, didn't lock myself up because I felt it's not safe. So, I spent my time outside and came back late night, leaving my parents wondering where I went. Of course they were asking me, but I couldn't explain to them the real reason behind my sorrow, they have more to worry about, than me. I've not had a good sleep for past 2 days, so many thoughts are in my mind that I couldn't sleep in peace so I would just lay there til the next morning, and waking up feeling restless. I guess if I got the job, that would really occupy my time, then I would just get tired and sleep, without having to think about anything. I've searched about the classes or groups that I can attend, those are individual therapy(something related to mentally ill adults),grouptherapy, psychotherapy, arts classes, expressive classes, there's so much more, and it's not really far from where I stay perhaps I'll call and find out about those groups. Will keep updating.
  8. Yeah actually the job scope is the same as my previous job, I really hope I get this, but if not, I'll be very disappointed and broken so keeping my fingers crossed.. I'll try to accept whatever that is, and right now, maybe I'm feeling worse because I don't have a job and I do nothing at home. There's another 1 day for me to prepare for the interview so I'm just concentrating in that, and eating, I've been eating a lot, I don't feel full so I keep eating, and I'm finding a way to stop this because I don't want to put on weight i've found the home exercise in Youtube that I could do, i guess that would help me to feel better though. My parents are actually typical, they don't get it, whatever that I'm going through. They said I hurt myself and I did all of this because I want to take revenge on them and want them to feel bad. Seriously, I don't know how to explain to them I really wish they knew what was going on with me. I'm trying my hardest to do better and make them feel proud about me but it just doesn't work and I'm no more talking with them, because I feel whenever I do, it'll just make me upset that they don't understand anything about their own daughter. They keep blaming me that it was my choice to hurt myself and now I'm ashamed of my scars, but will they ever think about why I made the first cut? gosh I wish someone would just understand me sometimes, its so frustrating.. I'm really expressing my emotions now by just writing, and since I don't have any friends, I chat with strangers online, well yeah what a life, im not socialized at all even if I want to. I'm staying away from all the machos but things that are happening in my life makes me so fragile and easily brainwashed by others, maybe because I lack care or I am just alone so I desperately need someone to comfort, could be a friend or anyone, so to avoid falling for this sort of people, I really don't talk with anybody, whatever occasions that is.. I guess this is really weird .. :/ I'm just trying to be protective and secured.
  9. Yeah I don't know if my country-Malaysia has that sort of night classes, I want something like a group that discusses about all the problems faced by al the group members and finding a solution, making a step towards recovery, I mean like giving homework(as in writing something that's meaningful, something that makes me happy and my steps to achieve it, something like encouragement) to do so it would keep me occupied and then showing the outcome to the group members, I don't know it may sound silly but I really wish there is something like this, but last I've heard its only available in the hospital-called as daycare and I have to attend it like three times a week, I was supposed to attend it when i was admitted in the psych ward about 4 years ago, but my parents restricted me from going so I didn't manage to feel how it's really like:/
  10. I live in Malaysia, I grew up here. I'm looking for the group like you said just that it's gonna be difficult to open up.. My hobbies- I am online when I'm at home, in chatspaces because I feel talking to a stranger helps,(not all! ), Or I would just type in a notepad for no reason, just type as much as I can, while listening to music, and then I delete the note because I don't want anyone to read, because if they did they would put me in a hospital. I write all sort of things, and then I'll stalk my old friends profiles, yeah most of them are successful and living an awesome life, I would play music related to that, like depressing songs. Then I end up hurting myself, you know, no matter what sort of music I listen to, it reminds me a lot of my past, regretting why my life has turned up to be this way, and wish I was a different person, thinking I should just suicide and deciding whether to leave a note or not, well of course I'm scared of death, just so coward.. Sometimes I would just go for a walk, or sit in the park, thinking many things at once, makes me cry, yeah thats how my day goes.. I used to draw and paint when i was in high school, I thought it was really beautiful, it was actually a school project, and I let it be in the school, and the next day, I saw it got ruined by some boys, made me cry, like all my effort was such a wastage. That was just during high school, then no more drawing or painting because I was busy with university assignments. I'm really afraid to say anything to my doctor because usually if i go for a visit, I'll be crying and crying, feels like she might think im annoying or so, I don't mean to cry, but it just pours out you know, unexplained depressed situation, If i tell her im feeling suicidal she wont let me go home hahah but I just need a change of medicine I dont know I just can't get use to the effect it gives me ugh..
  11. Yeah but it's not helping I guess I need a change of meds ...
  12. Yeah I was exercising once- in a form of dancing, I then stopped because I got busy, this was before I lost my job. You said night classes, what sort of classes are they?
  13. Thank you so much, your words are so inspiring. It's not and never been easy to get out of constant feeling of being depressed and suicidal due to my situations. But I'll keep writing here because that's sort of helps me to calm myself from being anxious and depressed. I've got an interview that's coming up next week so I'm preparing for it. What makes me more upset is that my own parents think that I'm not good enough for anything while I'm trying to make difference. It's not that I only fall for the good looking ones, I was with someone who really cares about me despite of not being good looking. I just find that it's hard to keep up in a relationship when i constantly have problems that i tend to show it out through emotions, I mean I'm just incapable of storing those erupting emotions in me and it burst out as a result I end up making others upset. I just don't know how to handle, and I never meant to break anyones heart, when I keep it all inside I'll hurt myself. I mean, who would like to be with a girl like me who constantly abuses herself, shows her temper to others, but I really don't wanna be that way and I'm really trying to change, and it really takes time. I'm taking medications and my family doesnt even know about it because they don't want me to consume it. I thought family was the only one who would understand what I am going through, but feels like nobody does. :/ Honestly, I just wanna get through the interview and get that job. At least bringing my concentration towards work would help and wont make me think negatively. I don't wanna kill myself, I wanna live, my passion is dancing-salsa, and I wanna start it over again, and I really wanna be happy. I'm making the effort and I don't wanna feel this way because everytime I feel this way, I really feel like killing myself. I almost did yesterday because I was staring blankly at the ceiling and thought of hanging myself, seriously that was stupid then i distracted myself I went out like you said, for a walk, perhaps I should do it more often. Thank you again , I'll keep writing, makes me feel better
  14. I'm writing after so long. I thought I should leave, and thinking how my life became my own worst enemy. Couldn't say much. If I were to tell my whole life story, I guess a book wouldn't be enough, because there's too much, just too much to handle. Wishing how would it feel if i have lived a different life, being is someone else's shoes, seeing the happiness, feeling it, each second of it. Wishing I could go back to the past, put back everything at the right place.I guess it is too late isn't it? Feeling like you wanna die, never been pleasant and peaceful. It tortures your soul.You know what I really wanted? I wanted no scars on both of my arms, I wanted to achieve my dream education, I wanted my siblings together and doing barbeque, I wanted many friends who loves me so much, I wanted to fall in love with a wonderful man and being proposed just the way I wanted, I wanted to be in a profession that I have always dreamed of. Well, sounds beautiful isn't it? Like a perfect life. But none of this happened and everything went the opposite. I couldn't change anything now because I'm already 24. Let me tell you my situation right now. I am jobless, my siblings are not with me anymore, probably never coming back, my parents are not talking to each other, I've been broken so many times by many guys and yet I'm allowing it to happen, my dreams has been crushed and being lived by someone that I know, I'm making scars and I can't wear dresses or shorts like I wanted to , I have 0 friends, jerks are around me I guess, and I am here writing to nobody. This life was gifted to me by God, I wish I could return it back to God or donate it to somebody who would make it beautiful. I can't, I can't be happy with what I have because I have nothing right now. I lost everything when I failed to reach my only dream. When its gone, feels like I don't want this life anymore. I've been wasting it and did not care about anything anymore. I am numb and I can't feel anything for anybody. I don't know if anyone in the world have gone through something like I did, but I hope nobody would. It's hard to survive everyday without knowing where am I heading to, what is my purpose of living, why am I still alive. I've got so many unanswered questions and nobody knows my darkest secrets. I put on a smiley face towards others, nobody at my work knew that I cut myself, and i suffer depression. Nobody in my family knows that I am feeling suicidal everyday, fighting through the feeling kills me and makes me wanna die. I just wish, someone, like an angel, like a spirit would come and hug me and say 'I'll take you with me sweetheart, you don't have to live in this tormented place anymore because you deserve to be with us, not in this world full of demons '. Gosh wish that would happen someday. I have no idea why am I stil alive, I've been thinking about it everyday, looking at others being happy, achieving their dreams, getting married, living with their boyfriend or husband, getting pregnant, having kids, going vacation, having a beautiful family, friends and everything else, makes me feel like I never got all of that ever in my life, I've been living in misery since I knew, I couldn't change anything, Kept asking myself, why don't I deserve all of that? that beautiful life that I always wanted?
  15. I'm getting through it slowly, Tomorrow I am going to visit the doc and start on my meds again, hope that will help..