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Everything posted by wil

  1. Hello all, Took me awhile to re-find this website. Looks like it's had a bit of a makeover. Who would like to share with me their personal experiences making a difficult decision of deciding whether someone was right or not right for you? To clarify - this is making a decision to pursue a relationship with someone, not a decision whether to stay with or leave someone. I'd like to know why the decision was difficult, what factors you took into account to help with your decision, and whether it worked or didn't work out. I thought about sharing my own conundrum, but I think the question framed in this way will help me with the pickle I'm in . Thanks in advance for your time and sharing.
  2. Thank you everyone for your input. Definitely sage advice. I listened to my heart and it told me I cared a lot about this person, but that I'd be settling for them if I jumped into a relationship. We would've been 'happy' with each other, but nothing more. And I think everyone wants to be in a relationship with someone who thinks they're the best thing since sliced bread, not just 'a really nice person'. I've now met someone who definitely seems to be the wonderful unicorn I've been looking for, and I feel confident I made the right decision. Wish me luck!
  3. Can you think of anyone you've treated in the same way? Relationships don't have to last for ever. Relationships are about reciprocation. There's no need to see a relationship with someone as set in stone, or as some kind of agreement. Relationships are flexible and constantly changing things. I have some strong, close relationships with people. Others I have more superficial relationships. Sometimes my relationships shift their status from one to the other if I lose touch with them. It's difficult in this day and age not to let our relationships define us. I think that if we are going to let our relationships define us, then we should expect our identity to be just as fluid and dynamic as our relationships
  4. I think people consider suicide for a lot of reasons. I don't think emotional pain is a good reason though. Emotional pain is amplified by the meaning we construct around it. Emotional pain comes and goes with the times. Emotional pain is very much controllable and we should not have to be subject to it indefinitely. I think one problem that suicidal people deal with is that they see happy people as being delusional. To some extent they are right. There are many reasons to be unhappy with your life. The reasons themselves are not as necessary as they seem though. Learn contentment. Learn that emotion is just an evolutionary tool to help you survive and you may come to realise that a lot of the pain you experience is constructed. It's not your emotion that's debilitating. It's the meanings you attach to your emotion. The trick to holding your hand over a candle is not minding that it hurts.
  5. I think the issue here is that a pen full of gorillas was accessible to a child. I think animal activists issues are with the fact that gorillas were in there to begin with (and then got shot for it). The gorilla that got shot had no control over the fact that it was put into a zoo - some people find no moral objection to this. The gorilla that got shot had no control over the fact that a child was able to climb the barrier, and then got shot for it - I can see why people find a moral objection to this. Whether you not you see gorillas as having access to some (or a reduced degree) of human rights, this was an undesirable outcome. I think if the gorilla was showing strong evidence to suggest that it was likely to cause harm to the child, then they did right to shoot it in those circumstances (even though I don't agree with those circumstances). However I find it concerning that the keepers would shoot the gorilla when the gorilla made no dangerous moves towards the child. It suggests to me that the keepers do not have a good working relationship with these gorillas.
  6. Here is something worth reading if you have some problems with Islam. http://www.worldvaluessurvey.org/WVSContents.jsp Navigate to 'findings and insights' Scroll down to 'catalogue of findings' Jump down to "A Catalogue of Findings", looking specifically at 'emancipative values'. The WVS is a huge study encompassing 60 countries in 6 waves from 1981-2014. To summarise: Emancipative values predict greater well-being, shifts towards democracy and equality. The presence of Islam weakens emancipative values. BUT, high education removes the effect between Islam and emancipative values. So while today at this point in time, Islam on average is causing the world a degree of strife and may weaken emancipative values, education is the answer. Promoting global education is one possible way of removing the negative effects of Islam. Discriminating against, and condemning Islam is easy to do. Fear leads to hate, hate leads to anger, and anger leads to condemnation. We all have the human propensity to take the easiest road out of a complex situation. Compassion and empathy wouldn't be so highly valued unless they were hard. Their difficulty requires us to look long and hard at ourselves, our preconceived beliefs about others, and to open up our imagination to other, more positive alternatives. Anti-gun lobbyists claim that guns are an American problem. But the right to own a firearm is a constitutional right. Mental health is the underlying cause of gun violence. Guns themselves are not directly to blame although the absence of guns would certainly end gun violence (perhaps increasing other forms of violence). Anti-islamists claim that Islam is a global problem. But it is a universal human right to practice a religion free from persecution. Poor education is the underlying cause of radical Islam. Islam itself is not directly to blame, although the absence of Islam would certainly end radical Islam (perhaps increasing other forms of radicalism). Hate is easy, compassion is hard. WWJD?
  7. Do you have a woman's support group in your area? ie. focussed on domestic abuse etc. The man has his own problems clearly, but these problems are his alone, it is your choice to help him with them or not. Given the information you've already provided. I don't think shouldering the burden that this man is for you is a good idea. It is not your responsibility if he feels alone when you leave him. You have no obligation towards him, regardless of what he might tell you eg. "you said he'd be together", "you lead me on"... None of these comments hold you to any obligation. Are your family able to support you? If you feel afraid for your safety, local police services may be able to provide you with the support you're after, even if it's just them calling him to give him a word of caution. Better safe than sorry!
  8. It sounds to me like part of you still does not want to break up with him? It sounds to me like he moved to see you because he sensed the relationship was nearing its end and he thought that travelling all the way to see you would be a good way to guilt trip you. He knows what your weak points are and he is using them to control you and get his own way. This is not a healthy relationship and you know this. From the information you are sharing, it seems to me that you hold a problematic belief - that a man must agree with you in order for you to break up with him. If gender equality is something you believe in, then the relationship has ended as soon as you decide that it has ended, not a second before, and not a second after. The man has to accept that, and respect the decision you make. If he does not, and attempts to change your mind, it suggests that maybe he does not respect women's choice and autonomy to make their own decisions. I don't want to be rude, but it seems to me that you also hold this belief too. A sort of internalised sexism. Maybe it's just low self-esteem. If you want to end the relationship. Tell him it has ended. He isn't entitled to an explanation, and he isn't entitled to an opportunity to disagree with you and debate it.
  9. Hybrid races between oppressors and oppressed are extremely common because utlimately, people are just people and love transcends culture and race. I don't think you should be ashamed of being spanish. Race and culture are just buzz words for groups of people. However, if inequality exists between filipino and spanish groups, and you are inadvertently helping to perpetuate this inequality via inaction, then maybe that is a reason to feel ashamed. For example, if Jewish people are not discriminated against in Germany, and do not face systemic constraints on their opportunities because of their ancestry, then modern day Germans have nothing to be ashamed of (perhaps something to be proud of?). In New Zealand, oppressive acts were committed against the local MÄori. Modern day european NZers have no reason to feel ashamed for acts committed in the past, but I think they do have reason if the results of those acts are still seen today (low SES/education stats, and high incaceration/alcoholism stats) and nothing is being done about them. I don't know what the situation is in the Philippines, but I'm sure Spanish culture brought some good things to the native culture along with the bad.
  10. Agreed, give the businesses that you would want to use your qualification for and ask them what qualifications they value.
  11. Stringing him along means purposefully, selfishly keeping him in a relationship to serve your own needs. Being in a relationship does not guarantee that you will continue being in a relationship with someone. Not wanting to break up with someone at one point in time does not guarantee that you will not want to break up with them at a later point in time. This man can be hurtful and manipulative at times. He wants you in his life clearly, though I highly doubt this would be a good relationship for you. It's great that you can recognise that you have some self-respect issues. Everyone has their own history. Because he is manipulative, and you have self-respect issues, you can tell that this relationship is a terrible match. He will use his relationship with you as a power source and manipulate you with it, maybe to do things you do not want to do. By telling you he can do better than you, he is asserting dominance in the relationship. He knows you have self-respect issues and knows that if he can make you question your self-respect, you will become defensive and protective because despite how nasty he might be at times, your relationship is a source of comfort and self-respect for you i.e. 'at least someone respects enough to be intimate with me'. Your self-worth should not be defined by your relationship status. Society tells women something different. I believe that if you prioritise your self-respect issues it will benefit all aspects of your life, including your relationships. Respectable men find self-respect sexy. A respectable man will see your confidence and ambition and he will want to lift you up and see you succeed. Respectable men do not get irritable when their girlfriend doesn't meet their sexual desires (very few women do). Respectable men leave relationships that do not suit them, not stay in them and complain about them. Are you from Romania?
  12. 9/11 is fine. Conspiracy forensics and epistemology are not.
  13. I don't know the details of the encounter, and I don't want to make you recall them. I'll just say this. Feeling sorry for something doesn't make it okay. This person used his physical power to violate your rights, then used his social power as your friend to avoid punishment. Of course he was sorry. People who murder their partners do it in a fit of jealous rage. I'm sure they're sorry afterwards. Should they be acquitted if they feel sorry? Wrongs need to be put right. This isn't just about you and him. It's about society and regulating norms. What if you report him to find that other women have laid similar claims against him? You can ask the court to give him name suppression.
  14. I'm of the mind that nothing occurs by chance. Chance is probability which is just using maths to predict outcomes when we don't understand the causal mechanism. Hypothetically speaking, if you had knowledge of every causal mechanism, you could predict anything with 100% accuracy. If everything has a causal mechanism, then there is no such thing as free will. We act based on the constraints that our environment and our experience impose on us. Saying that we meet people in life because we're 'supposed to' implies that the scenario of meeting has been predetermined. That there is some higher purpose with a goal in mind, pulling the causal strings. This single online conversation for example may contribute to your personal understanding of fate and 'the rules that govern why you meet people'. This might cause you to a) be more open to meeting new people, comfort in the knowledge that fate will provide you with what has been predetermined, or attempt to connect with more people in the hopes of improving your odds. I think that regardless of what you believe to be true, there are countless underlying causal mechanisms that will determine who you meet in your life, this conversation perhaps being one of them.
  15. What is the hobby? I am sorry for your losses. Grief makes a mess of us all and forces us to consider many deep and unanswered questions. My only advice is existential really. Grief can be tied up with many complex emotions. Sadness from loss is easier to deal with, but when it is tied up with feelings of confusion, regret, and betrayal, things get a bit complicated. Life does not owe us anything. It does not owe us happiness or lifetime relationships with our loved ones. When they are taken from us, it can feel unfair. What we forget is that the things that were taken from us where never ours to begin with and were never promised to us. I can't really envision your situation but it sounds me that you have really done some good by yourself in the past few years and you are rightfully very proud of yourself for that. If maximising the good in our lives is a meaningful purpose, then I think it would be shame for you to let recent troubles negate all the good you've made for yourself. Some hurdles in life are bigger than others. Some might require us to stop and take time to reassess the jump, but ultimately the only way to our goals is by making that jump. Lastly, people who do bad things are just like us. Wrestling with purpose, tripping over hurdles, and making bad decisions. Don't let the bad decisions of other people define you. They are carving their own future. Stay true to the self you proved yourself to be.
  16. Lot of good advice here. I definitely agree that it is not immoral or unethical for you to go back on your promise and report him to authorities. It is morally unacceptable to do what he did and society owes you justice. Furthermore, this man knows that he can occasionally 'lose control', say some words of apology and get away with making you, and other people feel the way you are now. This is not okay. You are not a bad person in reporting him despite your promise. You could prevent more harm by doing so. It may also help you to understand what your body and mind are going through so I'd strongly recommend talking to a therapist. It may help you to know that there is an evolutionary theory as to why your body is responding to rough sex. This is something I am studying at the moment. Lay understandings of male and female sexuality are confounded by a false assumption that male and female sexuality is the same. Evolutionary theory and the empirical evidence we have say otherwise. There is a theory as to why many women report their bodies responding to the kinds of unacceptable sexual behaviour that simultaneously cause them emotional grief. I can share that with you if you're interested. But I'll need to know how much evolution you're familiar with . Things to keep in mind: What you are experienced is not unnatural or uncommon. Your brain is reacting to your experience in a predictable and expected way. What you are experiencing is deeply unpleasant and there is someone who is solely to blame. But I want to make this very clear- It is a naturalistic fallacy to assume that because... 1. some men can 'lose control' 2. your experience is common 3. your mental and physical responses are natural ... that what has happened to you is not morally wrong or justified. They are independent of each other. Society sets rules and you have a right for those rules to protect you, and for those rules to be enforced when they cannot or do not protect you. I have close friends who have gone through similar negative experiences. They have all found therapy very rewarding and currently maintain healthy sex lives. Good luck.
  17. To everyone else who want to discuss conspiracy theories and 9/11. Could they please start a new thread somewhere more appropriate? We're heading well off topic.
  18. Sorry that's my wording. I mean promoting education, globally. Doesn't have to be a universal curriculum, but certain aspects like mathematics, reading comprehension etc. Regarding 'emancipative', its an adjective for the root verb: emancipate.
  19. Pretty sure the definition is still the same? Prejudice based on racial stereotypes. There is nothing directly wrong with stereotypes. And there is nothing overly unnatural about prejudice if your prejudice is empirically supported. There is something wrong with discrimination though, when you behave in a certain manner towards an individual because of preconceived notions based on race. If black americans are over represented in prison statistics, it is not racist to state that statistically, a black person is more likely to commit a crime. If a black american walks into a store and the shopkeeper acts towards him with suspicion because of the colour of his skin... that's racist. To the shop owner it sounds a bit ridiculous. He's only looking out for his merchandise, and based on what he knows, he absolutely should be more vigilant with black customers. However, we have to consider the experience of the black man about whom we know nothing other than the colour of his skin. He has a loving family, and holds a full time, professional career. Suddenly, he's being treated in a manner that is unfair, simply because someone has made a statistical inference about his character. It's more or less the same as 'innocent until proven guilty'.
  20. I think you're pretty on point there. The Qu'ran has more passages open to violent interpretation. I think possibly a reflection of the turbulent period of history it was written in. Again, it seems to be a lack of education which leads to a violence-centric subjective interpretation. It is easy to forget that the western world has made it's mistakes with religious fundamentalism and learnt from them. Education will de-radicalise Islam.
  21. Good point about Mormons and Christians. I agree that it's a fact of life. People have hardships thrust upon them. I also agree that often you can only count on yourself to improve your situation, but not always. You can argue that slaves had only themselves to count on to improve their situation. But non-slaves stood up to help them. Heck, I just stood up for you! Aris, you deserve an apology for the hardships that people have thrust upon you. You don't have to want or expect me to do that. No backsies. People do have the capacity to stand up for each other. Just because they often fail does not mean they cannot. A social shift towards empathy and understanding could reduce the number of 'failures'. And you're right, the only people we can count on to do that is ourselves. Lets start with us. I'm not standing up for you because I expect you to appreciate it. I'm doing it because I know it's right.
  22. Drugs is quite broad isn't it? A poem on meth and heroin would be more accurate
  23. I liked Obama's speech. It seemed like he was acknowledging responsible gun owners. Interesting that the majority of gun owners (who answered the poll), did think gun-restrictions should be enforced.
  24. I'm not preaching for people to sympathise with Islam. When I'm preaching for people to sympathise with muslims I'm meaning to sympathise with the person behind the religion. Regardless of whether you're christian, mormon, or muslim, every member of those religions is a person who is acting in the way they believe is the appropriate way to behave in the world, given their experience and education. I should add that the musilm immigrants in developed countries that feel 'just a little miserable' feel that way because they're being discriminated against. Muslims who are discriminated against are more likely to exhibit a reactive identity, that is, become more muslim in the face of discrimination. This means that the most extremely devout of muslims are being pushed into ISIL level radicalism and are causing atrocities. Ref: Europe and Islam: Crescent waxing, cultures clashing - Timothy M. Savage Ref: Europe's Muslim Youth: An inquiry into the politics of discrimination, relative deprivation, and identity formation - Barbara Franz People are dying constantly. Yes it's horrific. I'm not religious, but if any bible story ever resonated with me it was the crucifixion. Forget about the resurrection and Jesus' god status and consider that at some point in history, a preacher man was sentenced to death and he went willingly and in good faith to show the world that acts of compassion in the face of fear and death can resonate beyond death and throughout history. Think about it. The only think that ever stops me from doing the right thing from smiling to a stranger, to giving to the needy etc. has been fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being scammed, fear of being harmed. "But I don't hear anyone standing up for them?" - Do you think that someone should stand up for them? Maybe you could be the person to stand up for them. Don't use other peoples lack of compassion as an excuse to not act with compassion. Again, please follow the link and prompts. All religions, Christianity possibly coming in at a close second, have caused thousands of people to be murdered. Consider the witch hunts in Europe and colonial America. This was arguably religion at work, or arguably a maladaptive interpretation of religion combined with poor education. Stop blaming Islam because it is the easy thing to do. In the same way that blaming guns for gun violence is the easy thing to do. Don't be so quick to cast the first stone and call muslims who're not actively helping, cowards. Not until you fully understand their situation and the discrimination they face. Don't use other peoples' inaction to justify your own. Importantly though, I don't want to come across as a moral arbiter. I'm not perfect myself. Aris, I am sure that at many points in your life, people have stereotyped you, and perhaps looked upon you with prejudice, whether for once being Mormon or maybe even just because of your occupation, the colour of you skin etc. You will know what it feels like when someone puts you in a neat little category full of assumptions because it made you easier to understand for them. You will know, just as any other person will know, that the extent of your being is more complex and unique than 'mormon', or 'ex-mormon'. I can imagine that if this is the case you might feel a degree of bitterness. People did not rise to defend your uniqueness when it was threatened, why should you rise to defend others? If my assumptions about your experience are true, then you ARE owed an apology, but please don't let that stop you from doing what you know is right by others. If we want to make the world a better place, we have to stop doing this. Stop putting people in neat little categories and start orienting to what we share, not just what makes us different.
  25. Al that's MY point - compassion is hard!