holyburd

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About holyburd

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  1. I have been dating this woman for a little over a year now, and it started like the perfect match. She had never had a relationship before, and was still very inexperienced in many things in life. She was a big-time adventurer, while I was a bit of a homebody; one of those complimenting contrasts that forced one another into pushing our normal boundaries. Sexually, she was skiddish and unsure, even so far as never once "diddling her skittle" even once in her life on her own. I thought it slightly bizarre/uncommon, but hey, I will not judge her for it. I assumed we'd just need extra time to let her explore herself, ya know? We did discuss kids as a possibility maybe in the late future, only to find out she absolutely does NOT want kids, and would even go so far as to abort if necessary. As a rule of mine, we were very open to the fact that if she ever did that to my child IF it came to pass, we would break up right then and there, no questions asked. So, we took extra precautions to make sure that never happened. So aside from that, I had been longing to get my dream career going, and when we began to date, I was still getting that ball rolling. At that time, I was in a dead-end sort of job just making ends meet, nothing too unusual. The good thing was because she was still getting HER ball rolling, was that for the first 6 months of us dating, she was living in a city near me for college. That was actually how we met. So we'd see each other almost every night, and do all those cheesy romantic thing in the movies(literally. it was beautiful). BUT, near the 6 month mark, she graduated. In order to save money for later, she moved back to another state with her parents until she got her career situated. Ok, I figured we'd manage that distance and be patient. That was until I got MY career going recently. This career is very dangerous, and I can't detail what I do per policy, but I have lots to learn about it. I am still living at home as well, considering the nature of my newfound job, the money-saving, and need of SOME support system for now. The problem with all this comes in with my gf pushing to move in with me. Not a bad idea, but I am not mentally ready considering that I have such a risky job, I am in too much stress to move out for the first time, with a gal I have barely seen in several months no less......I was afraid that if we rushed in together too soon, that we'd start to dislike what we saw in the newer versions of ourselves and then be stuck on a new lease. So, me trying to be smart...I said that we should wait a while longer, see each other more, re-learn each other after such a long time apart, and allow her time to get her career going before jumping into a rash decision. Time went on for a bit, and the sheer distance started to hurt us further. We became more distance, communicating less, even so far as to cuddling and just "feeling" the connectiveness fading....the lack of care/emotion....as if we were going through the motions out of obligation. our sex life had not improved at all, in fact got worse. I later came to learn by trial and error that she is asexual. She didn't even know because she never actively participated in those events even on her own in her developmental years. That event told me that one of the key aspects of a defining relationship was no longer an option. After all, what singular act separates a good friendship from a relationship: Intimacy. Couple that with our fading feelings, distance, and overall rushing of life....it was not looking good. Later, I find out that her career opportunities are looking bleak in our nearby area, and in order for her to achieve her dreams, she would need to leave here. Problem is that MY career REQUIRES me to live here. Then it hit me......I was trapping her......all this time, while I was merrily establishing my dreams and goals that I fought for since I was a child....she was being held back from her life because of it. I AM glad that we did not move in, as I still believe it's too early after just 1 year of dating, 6 months of actively seeing one another......we talked about how this was going....how much we were growing apart, how her life is basically on hold for "us", how my option for kids and starting a family are no longer existent.....how my desires in intimacy and hard romance were pressuring her and the guilt I had for not realizing sooner. I asked her if we would survive all of this.....and she had a long pause. Right then and there, I knew her answer without her saying it........so I decided.....if I am the singular thing thats keeping her from growing and having the life she needs.....who am I to lock her in a cage...? I let her go.......and ended "us".....Because of me, she can't be her. I know that she will find a much better match than I ever could be......even though my heart was in the right place.....it doesn't mean a thing if it doesn't help the other person. I was holding her back.....and now I wonder if I did the right thing? Couples are supposed to work past these bumps in the road....but when I asked her if we'd make it and I watched her shoulders slump and she looked away......I felt like we both knew that we wouldn't. Does this seem like a mistake? Sorry about the length, but I needed to paint a picture of our history and how we developed.
  2. Have you ever had moments in life where you are basically hitting a usual phase in life but for some reason it just stresses you out more than the other's before? I feel I am in a very critical phase of my developing prospective future right now. I'm looking to get into my dream career that I've worked for all my life, from sacrificing poor friend-connections(drug abusers and party animals) to dedication to my studies and route into the trade. Sadly, as of this point, my career is rather difficult to get into. Multiple attempts and many places only accept 1-3 at a time out of the number of applicants ranging in the 50-1000 margin depending. Add in lack of experience in related fields spells limited chance right now. Right now, money is very critical. Well, my dad retires from the same trade this October, and for now I have been living at home to save money while still paying rent for money to use on living quarters. My plan was to buy to home I grew up in when my folks have the means to leave state. What better way to own your first home than A: get it from where you live now B: Buy it off your own folks and C: Have the home you grew up in? Perfect, right? Not really. See, nobody knows where the money sits, and my expenses for upcoming courses isn't cheap. Naturally, this leaves me a bit tense with uncertainty. But, as you may suggest from my series of different tangents that what was read above isn't the primary topic today. More-so building a stress-ometer to paint a good picture with all the pretty pastels and brushes. Now normally most people would divert their attention into these real-world problems that have actual impact on their future. I am. Believe me, I've even been told I overthink it sometimes going in circles at every possibility and it's variants. What I am focused on right now, for some GOD forsaken reason is who I was before all of this. What I mean is, why am I so wrapped up in trying to hold on to old things, old conditions, old friendships which left me of their own volition a long time ago without a single good-bye, holding on to the simplicity of how things used to be. I know this is stress talking, and a lot to deal with regarding the above and my temporarily declining social circle....but why is this my bother vs the real problems? Why am I so focused on "what was" vs "what is"? Right now I feel like what happened before all this....like I lost something. I remember a younger me a few years ago adamantly fighting for this developing future, he couldn't wait to change his possibilities and become a better version of himself. Now....I don't even know how to say it without sounding infantile. So why? Why does the memory of "what was lost", right now, seem to bother me more than 'what could be"? Here I am, with an unknown time-limit to get this all sorted out without being able to control much of it. I have this potential for great things, but limited access right now. I have these ideas and nothing to work with. All of these things, and I'm so focused on parts of the past, social-relations that up and turned to ash in the blink of an eye. I got bigger fish to fry than something to petty, i don't understand it.
  3. Well, still no responses. I tried to drop in a few times out of the blue but she lives literally across the entire city. No answer. Either she wasn't home and it was just bad luck, she didn't want to answer, or she moved and didn't tell me. It was a rented place and she moved a few times. I don't know guys...it's been almost 5-6 months now since we saw each other, and 4-5 months of radio silence. I want to believe in the best, but right now I'm expecting the worst. Even worse is at the same time, a few other former friends did the same things. radio silence out of the blue, one even blocked me from messaging, and for months on end. They long since have been removed and nothing changed. I don't want this to be our reality too, but I fear it may be over...It sucks because a lot of them I met around the same time, and all left around the same time. Talk about a whallop to the chin....
  4. You have to NOT compare your life to someone else. It never does you good, because either you feel as though you aren't enough because you feel behind, or you start to thumb a nose at those who aren't where you are. The housing market is in shambles right now, and finding one that fits your needs AND price value is nigh-impossible. You'd have easier luck finding that perfect vehicle with pizzaz AND practicality thats affordable. Your life has no time-frame, a schedule to abide by. We all share a different journey with the same end. I am 24 right now still at home because I am busting my butt to save $$ for a house as well. Most people my age decided to move out too early and are in real nasty financial pickles. Do some look down on that? Sure. However, i remind myself that I am not mooching, and that I gotta give myself slack. Our economy isnt the best, and living with rent(as said) is really tough depending where you end up. No two lives will ever 100% match, and don't let anyone distract you. Don't let anyone, or yourself try to make YOU feel bad about trying to be focused. You HAVE ambitions, you HAVE desire to do better. Not many people have that, as a lot were born with golden spoons in their mouths. You're getting a crash-course in character. It's tough I know, but keep your nose to the grindstone, and do what you have to so you can make your hopes a reality. Do the work NOW, so your tomorrow will be on a whole different stratosphere.
  5. Your attitude will compromise your altitude for real love. The idea of "what was" will always haunt you so long as ANY contact remains. Even if you become better friends later, somewhere your brain will say "If I can make THAT work...then..." You know better, but are not willing to DO better. This might make you uncomfortable, our advice may make this uncomfortable for you, but she knows your buttons. The day you stop stimulating her mind, stroking her ego, giving her ANY favors, is the day BOTH of you will get better. You deserve better than what you give yourself credit for. You KNOW better, but I beg the question: Are you prepared to DO better? Make the dynamics of your life and your sense of 'responsibility' for HER life change, and your vision will change.
  6. Take the time you need to be down for a while. You know what they say...the most beautiful souls are often the most damaged. even the most optimistic person who held out through the worst storms has a breaking point. being strong for eternity is impossible, and adding a bit of down-time brings things closer together in perspective. Everyone is entitled to all emotions, so long as you keep them from consuming you that is. There is no rule saying "YOU are the tough one, therefor you have NO right to be bummed out, how dare you!" Take your time
  7. I have. Honestly, the moment I started to accept that some people don't share equal luck with the same things, the easier it got. Luck DOES play a factor in this subject sometimes. Based on location, the types of people associated with that place, why you are there and for how long can easily determine such circumstances. A college student working a part-time job, while interning can be stuck in his specific spots because of his aspirations for his career. Sticking to the grindstone can restrict said person to the clientele of that location, and restricting his ability to do other things because of business. In my case, that's how it played out. Granted, I could have began the dating thing earlier in life but I just wasn't ready then and I am ok with that. I at least know in my heart I always tried my best, even if I made a goof of myself a few times. then again, with love...who doesn't? Still, I gotta admit it CAN still suck here or there, especially when you got nagging peers trying to give you "player advice" all the time, the opposite of what I am looking for. It wears, but I kinda gave up that notion after 7 years of fighting with little to show for it. I know, that sounds negative, but it's really not. Coming to terms with things can make it easier to work with. Sometimes a step back is a step in the right direction. Clearly, my effort means squat if the other party doesn't pay out either. Love is a two way street. In the mean-time, I've been working on a lot. I've recently finally gotten over a big-time tragedy that's been following me for a long time and keeping me from my sport. I am advancing in my path to my career, it's been great. As soon as I'm able, and have the cash for it, I'm going back to Kickboxing competition. I have all the time in the world to make my future what it is supposed to be. I appreciate you checking up on me, Angie. And how about you? How've you been?
  8. WELL, I must say that my mind is made up. When I am financially stable to support it, I will be taking up kickboxing again. Some time has passed, and I had to ask "Why do you still feel that urge, that craving to get back out there?" Because I'm not done yet! For the first time in years, a friend and I went to see some local fights in the area. That's when i knew, it's over now. All that happened, all I used to feel, it's gone. One day, hopefully soon; my journey in becoming a fighter will become a reality. I already know the gym I am going to, and have been working on my conditioning. PLUS, while leaving the fights that night, I had the privilege of chatting with the Women's UFC Straw-weight divisions #9 ranked fighter in the world; Felic Herrig. She was seeing one of her team-mates on the pro-card, so that marks the 4th UFC fighter I had personal communication with! 4 UFC vets in 4 years? THAT is pretty lucky if you ask me, most people only DREAM of meeting ONE in their entire life. SO, that being said, this thread is officially finished as the issue is resolved. Who knows, maybe one day I can make it into that ring and prove to myself I am still the fighter I know I can be!
  9. No, I don't think you should. They say what happens before marriage is an image of how life will be for the rest of your time together. Adding a title will not change his attitude. A title is just that, a title that officiates status. One should not have to be pressured into making a life with someone. If that has to be done, it's a sign to let this go. If you cannot, by yourself, come to marry him for your own love and own reasons....it's a big red flag.
  10. I feel you and I share the same frustrations. On my end, not so much jealousy over members here, but I can understand your feelings when you see others have what you always wanted and worked for with no avail. That said, I have to admit that publicly displaying jealousy over specific members may not have been the wisest approach. For me, much like you, I am a man of pure heart who wants the best for the people who truly deserve it. For about 7 years I have tried everything I knew to attract a decent mate. My use of good discretion allowed me to see various red-flags and avoid falling into the trap of falling for someone just for the sake of having someone. With that in mind, it's obvious left me with slim-pickings as the ones who I found decent were later discovered to be in committed relationships or I bombed on my attempts through nervous fear. People like us, we work hard for what we have. I'd be a liar if I said it didn't get to me from time to time. That's normal. Often we wonder "If I have devoted so much of myself to building honest, better things, why am I still getting beaten down while people who couldn't care less reap the rewards?" I've come to realize that things, at least on my end, do not always work in my sense of time. If I was supposed to find her, it would have happened by now with how much hard work I put in to this. 7 years of effort and not a thing to show for it. That bothered me for quite some time, while these kids wander about and go mere days before they find another. LITERALLY, DAYS. The very same people you hear about who scheme, lie, cheat, steal. With that, I said "perhaps it's time to give it a rest." Not so much in a defeated-sense, but in recognition that perhaps it just isn't right yet. Nobody can go that long of a stretch while consistently working at it to get nowhere. There must be something else at hand here, a force of nature blocking my way. that's when it hit me. We are a special breed. We are unlike most, in that we fight for what we have. We earn our keep daily, believe in sacrificing today for tomorrow's betterment. Who of all your associate's can you say live up to that standard? There aren't many of us left in a very superficial world. We are a rare breed, and with that title comes it's own set of rules. Rules we may not be able to change just because it's our character. Finding matches for us it harder because based on statistics, more people couldn't care less about putting in the work and just fall for the first thing they see. That is NOT to say Angie did, or didn't. Speaking generally is all. Accept that our caliber of humanity requires special kindling that very few can provide. It's better to be alone than in the wrong place. That only leads you several steps backwards. I work at coming to peace with that daily, it sucks, but it's true. Good enough for many isn't 'good enough' for all. Know your worth, and don't let the lack of a relationship title tell you "you aren't worthy, look at your history!" F-- that! "It's not the success that makes. It's not the title that makes you. The character defines the success, defines the fame. Championships aren't won in the theater of the arena. They're won in the thousands of hours working when everyone else was sleeping."
  11. A friend of mine has gone off the grid for some time now. We had known each other for a while, few years, and to this day for whatever reason they did not like to talk about their personal life much. We had a rough dynamic at first, but muscled through and lasted beyond that. Well, they turned a vapor for a long time, well over 6-8 months. Finally, I asked them outright in a blunt fashion that if it was just not wanting to see me anymore, then they gotta come out and say it. FINALLY I was able to elicit a reaction. It reads "Dude idk. I haven't been hanging out with anybody but --- lately. I'm in a fucked up place and I've been trying to figure myself out. I've been very antisocial. It's nothing personal." We are both relatively stubborn people when it comes to each other, that's just how we operate as friends in a weird way. Haven't heard back since, but their S.O. just added me via social media last night and never messaged me back. Just an add, then silence. I sppose perhaps the friend did so on their phone since a while back I removed them from my account due to a severe lack of communication and what I assumed to be being dropped like a hot rock; so as to peek at what I've been up to. Not a problem, but my question is this. Should I just randomly drop in on them, and have them come on out for 1 on 1 time and try to get them to open up, or just leave them be? I've known what shelling up can do, and it isn't always the best idea. People can vanish thinking otherwise and not come back. I'd hate for that to happen to them too.
  12. I'm not sure how to begin this, but many already know a good portion about me so I'll leave the length brief. I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore...I mean I have my causes I fight for, principals I hold dear, but in terms of other people and what I believe in, I'm losing grip on where I stand in the world. I had a lot of nasty stuff happen all at once, numerous people died in a short time, I lost a good 80% of my "contacts" because they all associated with a place I now hate. Other people I used to call friends just turned a vapor on me as soon as I found my new(current) job. It feels as though I've always been just the "guy you put up with" in life because he's got a good heart, but is too (insert reason) to be anything else. Friends who made life so full of happy energy just turned ghosts in heartbeats, never to be heard from regardless of what you do. People who you would speak to fondly just days prior and then boom, gone. I gotta say, the silence no longer surprises me these days. A lot of my life goals have fallen to shit and not through lack of fighting my ass off. I FOUGHT for everything I have, but I seemed to always get just close enough to nearly put the tip of my finger on it until it fades away completely, whether it be my dream car, my sport, love....I feel like I don't know who to trust anymore, like I've shelled myself up to the world. I don't know who is worth trusting anymore, and even if this goal is going to work out. I was watching an old movie called The Negotiator(GOOD movie btw, check it out if you get the chance) and a line in there really stuck out to me. "When you're friends betray you, sometimes the only people you can trust are strangers." I just don't know if I WANT to open up to newer people. Some said it was just "me wising up to the world", but you just get tired of losing things over and over. It's true that some things fade with time, people change, but what's the point of getting close to someone if you know that in a few months/years you won't matter to them anymore? I'm having severe doubts about a lot of things.
  13. Indeed, but I say good for you on trying!! I think too many ladies wait around and the men they want just waltz on by without a thought, you had the guts to get out there and take the plunge. If this was a video game, I think you would have leveled up like 3 times. *Big thumbs up*
  14. I had similar ordeals, in which I cannot lie, I have felt cold and empty inside after it's destruction. Personally, i'd rather a friendship die from a fallout, than to try as hard as you can to make it work and watch them walk away without so much as a whisper....THAT crushed me. I contemplated everything we had over the last 3 years, romantic problems and all....We never dated, i wanted to but she said no, we stayed friends and then......vapor. She just vanished after 3 years, no bad words minced, no rhyme or reason....just...gone. Maybe deep down i always had a soft spot for her in my heart, regardless of how she acted during those events....but every now and again...I think about her, for LONG periods. I wonder what she's up to, if she's happy, hoping it all worked out. I almost wanted to go buy a case of her favorite beer,(that quickly became my favorite too), leave a one-sentence farewell note thanking her for everything without signing it, leaving it on her stoop and calling it quits entirely. Some people....just leave that heavy mark in your heart..... Aside from digressing, I've lost my share of friends too, some for piddly reasons, some for big ones like over someones bf murdering my friends infant son, it's been hell for me the last 2 years in that department. I am distant and reserved for a reason. I don't let people in much these days anymore....at least for now. Sometimes no amount of fighting can stop things from happening. They say "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" I feel like I am there, right now, because all my good effort and good intentions meant absolutely nothing. I know how you feel...and it sucks when you try SO hard to make it work and it isn't enough. It's funny, I used to be a big-time introvert in high school, became extrovert after, and recently went back to being an introvert....
  15. It's a common thing. It's easier to see and make points on things in a non-personal manner, especially if it doesn't directly relate to us. That being said, more comes in to play when your heart is mixed in the issue. Often, our hearts and minds are very focused on what COULD go right, and get a bit optimistic and start saying to ourselves "Nah, don't listen to that, it's a doubt in your head, only trying to interfere." Happens to the best of us. I finally started doing the same, taking my own advice....and in the subject matter, made me see what a cold and dark world we have. It's made me very distant to many people because I finally stopped myself from being TOO optimistic and started being a realist. I'd always tell my friends when love-troubles were going awry and how to handle it. When it happened to me, I always attributed it to fear and nervousness, something I could work through to make love happen. Never did, and after enough people walked out of my life, I got a bit cold inside and saw that portion of my world for what it really is. Needless to say, I don't make those same mistakes anymore.