CollegeGirl

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  1. I haven't felt this deeply sad in a very long time. I thought I got over this already. I don't know what to do. My roommates are graduating and transitioning into the next phase of their lives and instead of trying to work as a unit to make sure that everyone's situation is settled they are being selfish and only looking out for themselves. I looked out for them. I even helped one of them find a new roommate to look for places with. I thought they were my friends? I know we're not the best of friends, and definitely not from lack of trying, but you would think it's human nature to try to look out for someone you've spent this much time with and made memories with. I'm not expecting the world, just reason. One of them is trying to leave the leasing agreement early and move out of state and find a random replacement without giving a fuck about who is going to end up living with me the next year that I'm going to be going to school. I told her that I'm not going to sign off on living with a random person but I have a feeling at this point she's trying to get her deposit money and leave at whatever cost. The other roommate is basically the only stumbling block to our initial plans. We had two girls ready to move in when they left. Girls I know. We had plans. Then she put a pin in the plans by saying that she can't commit to leaving until she signs a new lease. This is part of the reason, another could be that she doesn't like one of the girls moving in and is trying to be petty. I understand her predicament but she is sitting in limbo while the rest of us need concrete plans. She is not looking for places consistently, taking all of the time in the world knowing that this situation is time sensitive. When I tried to reason with them both they both get irritated and frustrated and refuse to compromise their plans a little bit to help each other out. I'm feeling empty right now. I feel a huge weight on my chest. The pain was so heavy that I ended up taking 6 or 7 ibuprofen pills at 200 mg. I know this is relatively harmless although I've never taken this much at once. I'm disappointed and ashamed and lonely. Both of my roommates are home but I can't go over to them. How could I explain this? How could they understand? They're lives are so simple. I'm not trying to kill myself just make the pain stop. Whenever I try to drag myself out of this sad hole somehow I end up here all over again. I've been practicing the law of attraction and conscious creation and active prayer and it's helped me so much I thought I was healed. A couple months ago I called the suicide hotline when things got really hard and they were completely useless but I eventually got through it. It didn't feel this bad. So I prayed harder and paced myself. Eventually the issues I had been battling didn't hurt me as much as they used to. I got over feeling as if my dad regretted my birth. They had me so young, at 18 and it has been a struggle growing up in this country as immigrants. They didn't see eye to eye and didn't work as a couple. I came here when I was five but got instant citizenship through my dad. My mother was not as lucky, going through tough immigration issues and suffering in ways I can't help her. My parents didn't stick together, they were clear as day incompatible but that didn't stop my mom from chasing my dad and refusing to move on from him. I fear being like her when it comes to men. I fear her calls because it either consists of me giving her money or giving her my car. She is selfish and does not think of me, who has to fully support myself living on my own and going to school. I try my best to help her when I can but she does not know how to manage her money and has been going through cycles of eviction and losing her car and jobs for as long as I can remember. Not keeping up with bills. Owing money and getting new phone lines every couple of months or years. She thinks I don't love her and tries to manipulate me, we can never have a normal conversation. My dad lives in another city with my stepmom and two young daughters. Although he is emotionally supportive and answers my phone calls most of the time for advice he does not help me out financially because his money is going towards their house and livelihood. This was one of the main reasons I thought he didn't love me. This used to hurt me so deeply. How can you work so hard to support a new family when you ignored me when I came to you, trying to make you understand my feelings? Never choosing to live with me? Never validating my feelings. I've moved all throughout my childhood and don't have any long term friendships. I fear I don't even know how to make real friends. Given my roommate situation I could justify this. I have acquaintances but no one I feel like can understand me or be there for me in a real way. My family is spread out all over the country and I didn't have siblings, having been an only child until my now 4 year old sister was born and now the new baby. I'm so overwhelmed right now. I'm studying engineering and although I love it and see my potential in it, it's so hard and I fear failing my classes this semester and being put on academic probation or forced to change my major and waste even more time and money in school. I failed 3 classes last semester and my GPA dropped drastically. It's my fourth year and I'm supposed to be graduating, instead I'm staying for another two years. I've never had a boyfriend and am still a virgin. I used to want to "wait for the right person" but I'm starting to feel like the only reason I've never had a relationship is because I'm broken beyond repair. I have dreams and goals of starting businesses and being successful, making real friends, having a real stable home, falling in love and being close with my family. I've had internships and held important positions at school and I am ambitious for the most part. Just so lonely. But this time things were good and I felt like I was finally better. Then things pop up that make me question why I even have these dreams if I'm just going to end up suffering even more. I've been practicing gratitude and changing my perspective and praying everyday. I don't feel sorry for myself, I know I've been very lucky and blessed in life. I just don't understand the bad part. Because when it's bad its REALLY bad and I feel like killing myself. I feel like I will never find love or friendship or family, no one's on my side, what's the point? I'm really hurting.
  2. Okay, but what about my roommate? Do you think I'm being paranoid or do I have a real reason to be suspicious? What if they end up hitting it off, that would test both of their characters.
  3. Thank you so much for your response. My fear is the conversation itself. I don't think I'm bold or strong enough to contact him out of the blue, ask him to meet and ask him how he feels. I feel that regardless of how he feels he will give me a bullshit answer because he doesn't know what to do or say. I'm not sure if he'll be honest with me and tell me how he really feels and if he does and it's negative I don't think I can face seeing him around. I don't think I could stand the gossip if he ends up telling anyone or if others put two and two together.
  4. I need a few words of advice. I liked and dated a guy last semester who is a year younger than me (He's about to be 20 and I'm 21). We ended up falling out because we had a sexual encounter and it was unpleasant for him (I wasn't aware at the time) and he ended up telling me in conversation with my friends at the dinner table the next day. That resulted in my getting my feelings hurt once I asked him if he was talking about me and he confirmed once my friends left. Out of pure shame and embarrassment I told him that night we should stop dating, told him to leave and cried all that night into the next day. Mind you, I didn't have much sexual experience and neither did he. When he texted me to apologize that morning, I didn't respond until the next day. I told him it was okay and I was over it because I didn't want to overreact and also because I had never had anyone say something like that to me so I didn't know how we would even continue dating with him thinking something negative about me sexually. After that episode we would pass each other on campus but not really say anything then fell into not communicating at all and I removed him from all social media. I thought it was insensitive of him to say something so private in front of other people then not make any effort to fix things past a single text message. I felt like he didn't care and that it would be weak of me to bring it up. After that, it was so awkward when we'd be around friends because he'd make mean comments or see me and keep walking. The whole summer went by and we didn't communicate. So this semester I threw a party at my house and he came over and after I asked him why he was so rude to me all the time, he brought up the situation saying he felt that what happened was a dumb reason for me to stop dating him and he was genuinely sorry and didn't know how to tell me when we were in bed together and also didn't know how to bring it up again once we fell out. So I accepted his apology and we ended up going to his place and making out and I slept over. Two days later I tried to ask him to hang out and I felt like he wasn't making any effort so I ended up not responding to his text. We are supposed to be on good terms now but somehow I still feel that the relationship is uncomfortable. Fast forward to the issue now. I have noticed him and my roommate being friendly with each other. For example, when we are all together at school or out at events he would tease her and just bring her up all the time. My roommate has a bold and funny personality (and when me and the guy were dating he told me he liked funny girls and that's why he liked me) so it makes sense for him to like her company. But this just makes me feel uncomfortable all around because he would come around and touch up on me and do flirty things but then give so much attention to my roommate. Honestly it hurts my feelings. I thought we were trying to date again? I am so confused because when we talked at my first party he said he missed me and our friendship and he said he wasn't dating anyone. So maybe he's trying to make me jealous? But he still hasn't asked me to hang out one-on-one or tried to say hi to me on campus and when I tried to ask him to hang out he tells me he's busy. So last Thursday after a party together and my getting irritated with him for flirting with my roommate I texted him the next day about something else and he asked if I was angry at him the night before and I told him a little bit because I felt that he was flirting with my friend. I tried not to come on confrontationally in this message and just told him I was confused as to what was happening because we have history so why would he flirt with her? He told me that if I was mad I should have just told him during the night so we could talk about it and also he didn't feel like he was doing anything with anyone intentionally. So we left off with that and he came to our housewarming that Saturday after my texting him to come. He stayed for a while, talked and left no kiss, no nothing. We haven't spoken or seen each other since. At this point I feel as if my roommate is flirting with him too and again this irritates me. I'm not sure if she does this just because she's drunk or out of genuine like. The reason I'm suspicious is because she told me that the only guy she ever dated seriously/had sex with has traits similar to my guy. They are also in a committee together so they interact regularly whereas I only see him from time to time. It wouldn't be off for her to fall for him, would it? I know she wouldn't do anything to compromise our relationship but she does have a childish/petty side to her. We are very new roommates and also have only been friends since the beginning of last semester. I wouldn't put anything past anyone. So now I'm in this paranoid place worried if they're going to hook up, if he's gonna fall for her or if she's going to try to start talking to him knowing what happened between us and keep it a secret. I already told her everything that happened between him and I and even started crying mid-story because it was such an embarrassing memory for me. She told me she thinks he and I would work together and that I should just text him and see how he feels. I know the simple thing to do would be to text him to try to hang out again but I'm scared of rejection. If he turns me down again then I'd have to REALLY start avoiding him on campus because that's so embarrassing. I'm afraid to text/call to ask him how he feels or if he's interested in dating again for the same reason. It would be easier if we saw each other more often and had opportunities to talk and interact. I also don't want him to feel like he has to hang out with me out of pity or to keep the peace because we do have to see each other around all the time. I have such a weird feeling about this whole situation and don't know how to proceed because I can't say that he really liked me from the very beginning. He said he did but his actions don't show that. I spoke to my aunt and she said to let things play out and deal with it when something happens but I don't know how to deal with the awkward and jealous feelings I'm feeling all the time. I also can't seem to get him out of my mind or date anyone else because no one I really like has shown me interest. I don't think it's a good idea to bring this up to my roommate because I'm not sure if it's real or just all in my head. I also don't want this to change our relationship for the worst. Help.
  5. I think I'm too old for college girls haha Lol
  6. Does making this list really make your wants less intense? I make gratitude lists all the time and as a result I'm generally a happy person! And I do admit my needs are met a majority of the time unless I'm being reckless and not sleeping or pulling all-nighters Lol Sometimes it's when your needs are met that your wants seem even more intense cuz everything else is good.
  7. Is that how easy it is for you? Lol you just decide to go on dates and it happens Sort of. Its even easier for a girl honestly. The hardest part is deciding its worth it to put yourself out there. Your call on that one, but for me it beats being lonely. Also being bitter, which is how I felt for a long time watching my friends pair off. If you want some suggestions on how to find dates ask around but I'd say: Online: Tinder, Okcupid, POF, Match, whatever your poison is Offline: Friends, bar, club, clubs (activities), ect, Language exchange, cultural exchange, whatever activity interests you you can find a group doing it and hang out with them I disagree I think it's easier for guys. You control the tempo. I could like you, drop hints, text you and compliment you and still have to wait for you to ask me out. The minute I'm in control or I tell you I like you it's game over. Or worse, I control the tempo and you just let me control everything else from then on because you're lazy, heartbroken, rebounding or a weak person. (Not really you lol). Of course I understand women can ask men out but that's never gone well for me. I'm generally a confident person, I was speaking to my dad earlier today about this and he mentioned that maybe guys are intimidated by confident or smart girls, even when they don't seem like it. I have a POF account - creepy guys. Well lets call it even. Both men and women certainly have their share of dating woes. Yeah I've never tried PoF and I met a few crazy people off Okcupid but oddly enough, Tinder, the supposed hookup app, has given me the most success with meeting normal people. I guess its because literally every single person in their twenties that I know either has tinder, or has tried tinder. In any case keep trying. I get your dilemma, you control the tempo and then its all on you and you attract (you think at least) weak dudes. You don't control the tempo and you are left at the whim or random internet dudes. Well thems the breaks. I always have to do the asking out, its not pleasant for me and I've gotten rejected a lot, but that's the hand I was dealt as a dude. I'd love it if a girl took the initiative and asked me out but its only ever happened a handful or times. Okay fair enough. You see I notice some guys say they'd like girls to ask them out but whenever I've tried to be blunt and say I like someone or ask them to hangout they become distant or assume that I don't want to be treated like a girl or that I'm loud/mean/bossy.
  8. Is that how easy it is for you? Lol you just decide to go on dates and it happens Sort of. Its even easier for a girl honestly. The hardest part is deciding its worth it to put yourself out there. Your call on that one, but for me it beats being lonely. Also being bitter, which is how I felt for a long time watching my friends pair off. If you want some suggestions on how to find dates ask around but I'd say: Online: Tinder, Okcupid, POF, Match, whatever your poison is Offline: Friends, bar, club, clubs (activities), ect, Language exchange, cultural exchange, whatever activity interests you you can find a group doing it and hang out with them I disagree I think it's easier for guys. You control the tempo. I could like you, drop hints, text you and compliment you and still have to wait for you to ask me out. The minute I'm in control or I tell you I like you it's game over. Or worse, I control the tempo and you just let me control everything else from then on because you're lazy, heartbroken, rebounding or a weak person. (Not really you lol). Of course I understand women can ask men out but that's never gone well for me. I'm generally a confident person, I was speaking to my dad earlier today about this and he mentioned that maybe guys are intimidated by confident or smart girls, even when they don't seem like it. I have a POF account - creepy guys.
  9. Is that how easy it is for you? Lol you just decide to go on dates and it happens
  10. Thank you for the wise words and encouragement, I truly appreciate it! Also, Angie is my friend and roommate not anyone on this website so no shade to whoever she is on here!
  11. Yeah you know sometimes I wonder if I'll get over the love thing once I experience it. Some people experience that for years though, in 30+ years marriages. That's so amazing to me.
  12. In my mind I’m better. I’m smarter, more focused, more desired, more respectable, and just all around better so why does she get to experience this before me? I don’t mean any harm by this and don’t intend to act out of it. I’ve done a good job of controlling this because I know what it’s about. It’s my ego. The same ego that inspires me to be great and pursue my dreams makes me angry, irritated and depressed at the thought of another woman getting to something before me even though I make myself so available to that very thing. It’s not even about it being just*anything*. It’s about love. True love. That’s MY thing. I’m the Cancer sign. I’m the lover and hippy and hopeless romantic. She’s a Gemini lol. She gets to say she has experienced love and has someone that’s in love with her right now. She leaves in the middle of the night and gets texts and phone calls and has intimacy. Yeah their relationship is a mess, they’re not together (or ever really were officially to begin with), she’s distracted from school and I would never want their drama. But at least they HAVE something. I’m green with envy. Every part of me hates this fact. What’s wrong with me? Someplace deep down I know I’m happy for her and I hope everything works out for her and Peter. However, the snooty egotistical part of me wants it all to go wrong for her so she won’t get to true love and happiness before me. It wouldn’t be fair. She is promiscuous, has daddy issues, lets guys walk all over her, and is not as pretty as me. So what’s the deal? Please know that I’d NEVER admit this to anyone. I ‘m barely allowing myself to admit this feeling to myself without judgement. I’m trying to express this and let it go. Because there’s a lot of pain here. It’s not her fault and again this has nothing to do with her as a person. She has great qualities. She is cute, she dresses nicely, she’s down to earth and a talented writer and cook. I care about her. She’s friendly and she’s good at making websites lol. I’m sure she’d be a very loving wife/girlfriend/mother/sister, etc. She is wise but I’m more mature I think. I make better grades and better decisions lol. I want her to be happy but the little girl in me is rolling around on the floor throwing a tantrum and screaming at how unfair the world is. I’ve shied away from this feeling, shoot I didn’t even understand it at first but I think I get it now. *I* want be a great lover/friend/sister/mom/wife/girlfriend. *I* want to be a great cook. *I* want to be talented. I mean, those last two things I know will come with time so I’m not too pressed. I’m only in college. But the love part? That gets to my core. Because I’m putting in effort and want it SO badly. I’ve dreamed about this since I understood what true love is. I’m sure every little girl has but I always felt that I felt it stronger because I’m such a sensitive person. I’m frustrated because I can’t make it happen on my own. So I’m here wanting and desiring something that is totally out of my control. Hopeless romantic. I’m such a driven and goal-oriented person it’s so unbelievable that this isn’t one of those things I can write down and make happen. Just by the power of intention. That’s how I manifest all of my other goals. But for some reason this one has yet to happen. I think as long as I see myself as a lover and hopeless romantic and desire this “out-of-this-world†kind of true love I will always be jealous of her. So how do I move on from this? How do I suppress my ego? I do my best to give her neutral advice when she comes to me and not talk down about her guy or tell her to leave him, even when it was going badly. I gave her the power to decide and didn’t let my jealousy get the better of me. But how can I genuinely be happy for her without any resentment? Because I think behind the jealousy is a lot of pain. I want to be a good friend to her. How can I be patient for my own love story especially when I feel like I’m drifting and not making any headway with the guys I’m interested in? It takes a lot of strength to make good decisions about guys and I'm lucky to have family to guide me in the right direction. But what if all I get out of that is loneliness in the end? Much love CollegeGirl
  13. Thank you for your response I noticed I was answering my own questions about halfway through LOL but wanted to still post to get second opinions. What were you referring to when you said wanting and needing are confusing? I've been on a "me" holiday since I was born.
  14. In my mind I’m better. I’m smarter, more focused, more desired, more respectable, and just all around better so why does she get to experience this before me? I don’t mean any harm by this and don’t intend to act out of it. I’ve done a good job of controlling this because I know what it’s about. It’s my ego. The same ego that inspires me to be great and pursue my dreams makes me angry, irritated and depressed at the thought of another woman getting to something before me even though I make myself so available to that very thing. It’s not even about it being just*anything*. It’s about love. True love. That’s MY thing. I’m the Cancer sign. I’m the lover and hippy and hopeless romantic. She’s a Gemini lol. She gets to say she has experienced love and has someone that’s in love with her right now. She leaves in the middle of the night and gets texts and phone calls and has intimacy. Yeah their relationship is a mess, they’re not together (or ever really were officially to begin with), she’s distracted from school and I would never want their drama. But at least they HAVE something. I’m green with envy. Every part of me hates this fact. What’s wrong with me? Someplace deep down I know I’m happy for her and I hope everything works out for her and Peter. However, the snooty egotistical part of me wants it all to go wrong for her so she won’t get to true love and happiness before me. It wouldn’t be fair. She is promiscuous, has daddy issues, lets guys walk all over her, and is not as pretty as me. So what’s the deal? Please know that I’d NEVER admit this to anyone. I ‘m barely allowing myself to admit this feeling to myself without judgement. I’m trying to express this and let it go. Because there’s a lot of pain here. It’s not her fault and again this has nothing to do with her as a person. She has great qualities. She is cute, she dresses nicely, she’s down to earth and a talented writer and cook. I care about her. She’s friendly and she’s good at making websites lol. I’m sure she’d be a very loving wife/girlfriend/mother/sister, etc. She is wise but I’m more mature I think. I make better grades and better decisions lol. I want her to be happy but the little girl in me is rolling around on the floor throwing a tantrum and screaming at how unfair the world is. I’ve shied away from this feeling, shoot I didn’t even understand it at first but I think I get it now. *I* want be a great lover/friend/sister/mom/wife/girlfriend. *I* want to be a great cook. *I* want to be talented. I mean, those last two things I know will come with time so I’m not too pressed. I’m only in college. But the love part? That gets to my core. Because I’m putting in effort and want it SO badly. I’ve dreamed about this since I understood what true love is. I’m sure every little girl has but I always felt that I felt it stronger because I’m such a sensitive person. I’m frustrated because I can’t make it happen on my own. So I’m here wanting and desiring something that is totally out of my control. Hopeless romantic. I’m such a driven and goal-oriented person it’s so unbelievable that this isn’t one of those things I can write down and make happen. Just by the power of intention. That’s how I manifest all of my other goals. But for some reason this one has yet to happen. I think as long as I see myself as a lover and hopeless romantic and desire this “out-of-this-world†kind of true love I will always be jealous of her. So how do I move on from this? How do I suppress my ego? I do my best to give her neutral advice when she comes to me and not talk down about her guy or tell her to leave him, even when it was going badly. I gave her the power to decide and didn’t let my jealousy get the better of me. But how can I genuinely be happy for her without any resentment? Because I think behind the jealousy is a lot of pain. I want to be a good friend to her. How can I be patient for my own love story especially when I feel like I’m drifting and not making any headway with the guys I’m interested in? It takes a lot of strength to make good decisions about guys and I'm lucky to have family to guide me in the right direction. But what if all I get out of that is loneliness in the end? Much love CollegeGirl
  15. Hi everyone, I found this website on Google and was hoping to get some help from people more experienced than me. Please bare with me if this is long and juvenile, I have basically no experience with dating and just need some clarity. Basically I have a huge crush on this guy and everything is going so left. What I think is that he's playing around with my feelings but I want to get more opinions. Long story short I met him two years ago as a freshman because we are in the same research program on my college campus. I thought he was attractive since back then but never really thought too much about it until this year when I became an advisor in the program and started working closer with him. He's a year older than me and became an advisor last year and ironically ended up advising me. This year, I had tried to be really professional and not express my feelings to him since it's a working relationship but it's so hard to control body language. We usually see each other once a week (sometimes not even that often) when we have our seminars and we play around and flirt. I tried to send him hints like sending him a dm (it was my girlfriends who did it actually after I showed them his page on Instagram lol), asking irrelevant questions and I even drunk dialed him on FaceTime and hung up right after (extremely embarrassing I know). I assumed he wasn't really into me because he never attempted to hang out after class, text me or ask me out and even though he brought up my attempts at flirting (mortifying) he never really tried to go further. So I decided to get over the feelings and move on because I hated the fact that I liked a guy that was clearly rejecting me. Then one day in class he starts telling me about his ex girlfriend and how she's trying to come back into his life even though she has a boyfriend and he can't help but hook up with her blah blah. This got me so heartbroken, I didn't get why he was mentioning her if he's been flirting with me. Clearly he was friend zoning me, so I just listened and try to give him advice as best as I could. He also mentioned that he got a FaceTime from me and I was so embarrassed I told him it was an accident. The conversation was so weird cuz he was talking about her but it was like he was sending subliminals and I didn't notice that until I was thinking about it afterwards. So after that there was a long period of time that we didn't have class and we didn't really communicate other than snapchat (which he added me idk if to be friendly or what). When we came back I casually asked him when our other coworker was around why a guy would talk about his ex to a girl he was interested in other than to friend zone her. He said it doesn't necessarily mean he's friend zoning her maybe it's because he hasn't noticed this girl before and something could still happen between the two. He then went on to say how he ended up dating this girl even though they always used to talk about their dates to each other. After that he texts me if I'm going to be in the office and when I say no and ask why he says "just wondering". Then he texts late at night about doing work that wasn't going to be due at all and saying he'd send me an email the next day that he never sent lol. So fast forward to our most recent class, he's again mentioning Instagram models he thinks are cute or dates he's about to go on or he'd talk to our instructor about girls he was flirting with deliberately in front of me. After a while it became obvious he was trying to make me jealous. I didn't get why he wouldn't just say he likes me or that he knows I like him if that was his end goal, instead of trying to make me jealous. And it's hard to describe but when we're together I can feel that there's something more, like I said it's hard to hide body language but I'm not sure if the feelings are just one sided from me, I mean he must be feeling something too? Anyway, when he mentions his ex or other girls I usually just tease him and play it off. I mean, he's the guy, why isn't he asking me out? And he knows I like him at this point if he felt the same he could easily take things further if he wanted to. I get that it's the 21st century and women have power but I don't feel comfortable asking him out or trying to take initiative because even though it's clear he's noticing me, it seems as though he's playing around. He's cute he knows he can get girls easily. I feel like if I try to text him or ask to hang out he's gonna be like GOTCHA and tell me he's not interested and make me feel stupid for thinking he was into me at all and I don't think my self-esteem is ready for that. I think he just wants the satisfaction of seeing me mad over his dates or get me to admit I like him and I don't want to give him the satisfaction. And if that IS what he's trying to do that's really disappointing because he seems like such a nice guy to do something so petty. So again, I'm trying to ignore all of this and just move on but its so hard I've been depressed because I can't get him out of my mind, I always fantasize about him but I can't tell him and every time I think about him (which is always) it's like the embarrassment is fresh all over again. Thanks for reading and hopefully you have something helpful to tell me to help me get over this and please be kind I know a lot of this is childish.