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About Thebigba

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  1. Well I guess that's what I will do but I really need a truck. With that I can be doing side jobs for more moolah and personal satisfaction.
  2. The people I speak about ( one of them being my brother) know my situation well enough but he does not care because I dug my own hole as he would say. I would say he is kicking dirt on me while im trying to climb out. never the less his situation isn't great but I still started sending him increments and paying back more than I owe him because I love and care about my brother. Others know my situation is rough and so are theirs but I feel obligated to pay them back even before my own personal gain. I guess it's just that I know how their feelings are now.
  3. Well some of you may know I have had a rough year. I now have a job,two of them. I am living in a motel working at the motel for a discount on my room and working at Us foods 12 hours a day 5 days a week. I have been doing this nearly a month. I'm loving the way things are going and the future is looking brighter. However now that I'm making some small amount of cash flow those from my past are greedily asking for payments. I understand that if I owe someone it is my responsibility to pay them back. This is not the issue.the issue is the timing I have barely made three checks I still haven't a home of my own nor a vehicle. I feel like anyone asking for their pay back right now is setting me back further. Should I pay them back now and put off bettering my situation tor over two months to suit their happiness? What do you all think?
  4. Your latest response are inaccurate at best please do report my comments the latest of is still there as if it breaks the terms of this site service. If i were merely some troll looking for fun why would i be so dedicated to only my own thread pertaining to my life and feeling and depression. In any case i don't mind criticism. you guys are just way off track at this point. I am disturbed and one must be blind not to see this in current posts. I don't want anything from you except the advice i have asked for, here in kentucky there is a care center where homeless may take a shower , get a meal and yes they give hair cuts, no that picture on facebook is not recent But yes i keep my hair near that length. The public library, starbucks, mcdonalds all keep a internet connection.Which gives a homeless person with a means of accessing the internet free service. Perhaps you just did not think of these things while you were plotting to call me a fraud. and oh yes after 20+ years of getting cut off in a conversation, or being asked to repeat something umpteen million times until i just stop associating with people. then when they all shut the F up and pay attention when i yell feels alot better. even if it does scare the hell out of them I really don't care about that. I did not come here looking for any pity or handouts, I came looking for a way to deal with my ever growing problem that of which people like your self may eventually become a target of. I don't want money and I don't need nor want what others have. I have what I need to live. But how to cure my mind of its ailments is what I was seeking. none of the answers I have found here are helping, excuse me for pointing that out. so I prefer if you can no longer add to this discussion progressively then just don't bother posting in it.
  5. @ that girl the video two minutes into it ( which is as far as I could stand to make myself go) I wanted to strangle the speaker if only to shut him up.Fortunate for him we were nowhere near each other, and he is likely long since dead and i can merely press that pause button and forget it. @noonelikesaknowitall It is not anger i have now, it is a white hot coal in all parts of my body. I am not merely angry I am burning with hate till my skins is hot to the touch. According to That girls video I am hate. Hate suits me. Why would I want to change this demeanor. People normally don't listen when I talk but they stand at their tallest damn attention when I yell. My muscles fill with strength I normally do not seem to possess and I feel like letting this demon(so to speak)loose upon those whom I deem deserve it's reckoning. And thanks for keeping it short and to the point.
  6. so whats you're all's advice for homicidal and suicidal thought's without religious,group therapy, or past situation answers cause i really hate people right now and soon things are going to get nasty in both my behavior and other peoples lives. This has been building for a number of years now and most of the time I have considered suicide as a way to protect innocent people from another part of me who wants to do them harm. I am aware of the changes in my thoughts but have no control over them. At times I hate the world and at other times I do not. At times I want nothing but to hurt people who may or may not be innocent, but who am I kidding noone is innocent and everyone deserves whatever karma is thrown at them so If they get hurt in my wrath ...know that. But that isn't what every part of me feels,i've never been on medicine, because i don't need it, I may need it for an imbalance of genes, but that's not true because we are who we were made to be. so what do you geniuses advise? i would appreciate your input.
  7. So today I had to move my tent after a few items of mine were stolen and then the police were called on me. I am feeling the only real feeling that i am able to and i'll be honest someone will be hurt over this.I don't particularly care who or even if they were involved.People need to realize that it is entirely not safe to take things which don't belong to you. Who has the balls to steal from a man living in the woods behind a cemetary. What goes through a persons thought process when they see such a thing and decide to disturb it. How could they not consider the consequences. What makes them think the person living there would not retalliate in some way or that the person was sane? I am karma. And is it any wonder I am the way I am? What kindness other than fake words have been bestowed upon me by people? I hate humanity ,i hate those fake people in your life that lie to you and i know I can never trust anyone for the same people I befriend and help only look for more ways to stab me in the back. I think it's time to start stabbing back. Please spare me the religious quotes , I am in no self help group nor do I desire to be in one, I don't specifically care about your ordeals as they don't quite associate to mine and or of no use or help. That's not to say I don't sympathize when you discuss them It just seems that you think they will be of some help to me and they purely are not. besides I do not think I have a problem so to speak I think most of the world is the problem and I'm just one man , beaten and lied to, stolen from and shot down at every turn. Yet when I start correcting the problem the world will see me as a monster. That's ok perhaps I am.
  8. I Can't quite remember when it started. It's only been part of me forever or so it seems. I feel an emptiness,or not so much feel as have become the emptiness. I find myself no longer feeling,caring. I see the world and all it's people and somehow they get along with their lives and they smile. My smile is fake and I know not what happiness is other than by definition. I have learned over many years how to hide who i am, the fake person is more accepted by society eve if shunned for being somewhat odd.I don't know how to have a conversation with people,I don't know what to say and am never interested in what everyone else is. I could care less for sports,all i see is overpaid humans being praised for playing games, same goes for actors, musicians, and various others whose work consists less of manual labor and the helping of people. Those that work their fingers to the bones get no praise and die poor. What do i know of a vacation? I worked in various hard trades including framing,landscaping,roofing,concrete,asphault, masonry,painting,drywall. I have cooked peoples meals and dealt with their criticisms, and demands, some mostly not thankful that i provided them a service that yes they paid for but also allowed them a break in their every day life where cooking may have been required. Pitiful humans. I've worked on the fuel cells of c 130's , I've built pallets,I unloaded and reloaded and restacked boxes of food onto pallets and into and out of trucks. I've planted, cut and spudded, hanged and cured then stripped tobacco. I have bailed and gathered hay.I have been a mechanic for auto mobiles,I have mowed people yards and cemetary's, i have dug graves. I have picked beans by the bucket. I have been a life guard and saved lives. I have worked in a court house as a filing assistant. The only vacation I know of to speak about is that I no longer have the energy to do anything. I have nothing for all that i have done, I have nothing of my own to show for it. Some People , however, have done much less and reap the benefits of never having to worry about where they will lay their heads, never having to worry about how they will eat the next few weeks or if they will be able to keep the water on for another month. I used to think like this and about this every day. Now I don't care.. let the world run such as it does. who can stop such things as what occur's today anyway? So , while people go about their day's finding reason's to be happy and to smile. I know no such thing has existed and will exist for me. There is no self help manual designed to fill a soul less body with a soul. I am emptiness and it hows in everything around me. The people i live around start to show the same actions or lack there of. I am like a plague to them. They lose their desire to do anything. I have seen this happen too many times to count. and I know its better for me to just not be around anyone. This may be the last time you see me here.
  9. Those that i love do not show it back those that i care about if they do care at all it doesnt seem like they would go to the same lengths i would for them. If noone else thinks im worth anything, why should i think any better of myself? Whatever talents i have whatever skills i possess they are wasted on me. let me just leave this god awful existence and make room for someone more useful.
  10. As much as I know you would like to have the support of your family, sometimes it just doesn't work like that. You just have to live your life the way you need to and maybe one day they will come around. I might have suggested that maybe they have a valid reason for not wanting to support this union , however had there been a valid reason I'm sure you would have found reason in the while that you have known this man, him being your best friend I assume (if i may) that you have known him long enough that most hidden secrets about himself would have been revealed. I suggest you live your life with your head held high and they will eventually come around. Good luck .
  11. Well I'm angry now, While there are some helpful people out there in the world, i just don't believe that if they knew me better they wouldn't want anything to do with me. I just deactivated my facebook account, it is no good to me, I do not need to keep in contact with anyone there and I don't need the negativity from those i care about. They don't trust me, they call me a liar (one of which is something I value about myself is I DO NOT LIE! at least often and if I do I feel guilty and i confess to it anyway). I have been called lazy, lazy because while i lived at one place i did not do their dishes every night. I'm nobody's cinderella, you want a house cleaner buy a maid. I fix things, I'm a handy man you don't need to call a plumber or a painter, or a framer while i'm around. I will do my part by doing dishes to lessen the load but i will not be anyone's personal slave. Does this make me lazy? F them! Anyway , If I'm going to survive this life without becoming homicidal or suicidal I'll have to just stay away from people. They don't get me, i don't get them. Were just not good for each other. I'm not at all stupid, I can make it in this world just fine I'm the only one who has prevented myself thus far because I put too much care into shit. I'm done with that. Living in a tent out in the woods, where I can breathe, where nature gives me energy i lack sitting in a house wasting away. Where the only sounds one might hear are the water of the creek flowing or the crickets chirping and an occasional deer passing by. Where people seldom trod and peace still exists. What parts of the world that haven't been tainted by our very existence as we strive ever greater to increase our population and decrease our deaths each year. I'll stay out where I belong away from people , so that i might be able to sleep one good night without the cries of someones baby, or some high volumed rap music, or people yelling, or gunshots, or sirens,. And I wont have to worry about offending someone who talks shet about me on facebook but then want's to kick me out if i call them out on it. I definitely wont have to hear them talk from above about locking the doors when they leave or turning the internet off so that i cant use it while they are gone. Well I can get free internet from mcdonalds dumb ass, and if i wanted in your house no locked door or window would keep me from it. The simple fact is I just want to be away from all i wouldn't go in their house and I don't give a flip flying f**** if i dont have electricity. so you see it's probably better for everyone if im just not around.
  12. No, you just have to find the courage to talk to her. I wouldn't say any chance with her is gone just that chance is. The only way you will know is to go try. The longer you wait the more chance is someone else will fill the spot.
  13. i couldn't truthfully answer that.
  14. thanks but i have already extensively done searching, at the current time I will wait and see what help may come of my application and well they almost always turn a person down the first time but you have to keep fighting it.