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Found 25 results

  1. It took a little digging to find the new site. I have missed it! I'm sorry this is so long, and I hope I have posted it in the right place. But I would really like some advice or kind words. I feel overwhelmed and I'm not sure what to do. My BF (of 2 1/2 years) and I went camping with his family this weekend, which was stressful and our part was organized by me alone. That's a whole other ball of wax, but my bf's mother informed us that his dad's brother and wife were going to be in town this coming weekend, from Texas (we are in California). My bf hasn't seen them in probably ten years. On top of that, since they are coming, his other Aunt is coming, and they are celebrating his only grandma's 79th birthday, and we are both expected to be there. A bit last minute. We had been planning to help MY parents install their new flooring this weekend for 2 months. But I can't, and won't, insist that my BF not see his family because we have to help mine install flooring, even if it is last inconveniently last minute. So I called my dad up as soon as I got home, as I needed to wish them a happy anniversary and ask if we can install the flooring the following weekend. Well, my dad got very irritated. I told him that I wasn't happy about it either, and I'm not, but I can't really do anything about it. My BF is the more valuable one as far as knowing how to install that flooring, but honestly we just installed it in our new place, and that's the only reason we know anything. And, by the way, we did that without any help from them, since they were on a long vacation. So he gets all stony and cold, so I ask to talk to his wife (we get a long very very well), and inform her of what is going on and she was equally irritated with me. She said it just seemed like his family interrupted their plans a lot. Their plans? I can think of 1 or 2 times in 2 1/2 years. Mine? yeah, a lot. But my parents have ruined our plans as well and we've rescheduled or missed things with my bf's side too. I get handed back to my dad, where he asks me what day it is, then I remember I was going to wish them a happy anniversary, and all I got back was, "did you tell ____(his wife) that?" And I said no, but explained that I mean to, I just got side tracked with that conversation and all the billion other things going on (Tagged her in a Facebook post after, with a photo I had taken at the wedding and wished them a Happy Anniversary again, got "thanks"). I called them like 20 minutes after I parked my car in the driveway. We can't do the floors the following weekend because it's his wife's granddaughter's birthday and they are driving over to visit them. Then my dad, all mad, says that he guesses he just won't go. Or maybe he'll just do the floors himself. blah blah blah. And I try explaining its hard to make things work, and schedule things between the two families. He always acts like I have absolute control over everything that happens. Then get's mad at me when I don't make things go his way. His wife's kids are never there to help with anything. Just earlier this year we went over two weekends in a row to help him put up a new fence. He always gets grouchy and rude during these projects too. I texted my BF after that and told him my dad wasn't happy with me, and he said that he could just install the flooring himself then. Which didn't help. I'm just feeling pressure from all sides to appease everybody, and also the pressure on myself to do what I think is the right thing. I told him that I'd try to nail down exactly what is happening with the bf's family and I'd call him back today. But honestly, my only option is to just drive the 2 hours over there by myself this weekend and try to be as helpful as I can. And also deal with his bad attitude during the install. But now I'm just angry. I don't want to help him now. I generally have a good relationship with my father, and his wife..but I'm just mad. I'm mad that they apparently gave no thought to everything I have going on, they don't listen when I try to talk about my issues with stress and anxiety, he just gets mad when I'm not at his beck and call, and when we go help him with something he always ends up being very rude during the project. And I also think its wrong that they would want my BF to ignore his whole family to go help them with FLOORS, or at least wrong that they are putting so much pressure on me to somehow make that happen. Hell, last Thanksgiving, when they wanted me to come over and I told him that my BF and I needed to go to his parent's because his brother who is in the military would be home for it, a rare occurrence, my dad got so mad at me. Said we had spent last thanksgiving with them, when we didn't, we were alone for it because both sets of our parents were out of town visiting other family members. Mine were only a few hours away visiting one of his wife's kids, but its not like I was even invited anyway. Then we went and did Christmas with them and stayed for 5 DAYS. I would understand the frustration if I never called, or visited, or helped when they asked, but I DO. All the time. Even when it is inconvenient for me. Any advice in dealing with this? I want to call him up and chew him out, or at least say that I won't be coming at all and I'm disappointed in his behavior. I realize I can't please everyone all the time..but no one else seems to be realizing this. I hate last minute changes myself. I don't want any of this to be happening. I feel overwhelmed with my family, my BF's family, seeing my BF have such a hard time with his family, helping him, with school, with work, my anxiety and depression. I had a meltdown last night...I'm in college right now getting my BA. My dad has been helping me out by having me on his cell plan and paying for my car insurance, he also helped me pay for a car repair I couldn't afford last year, and, this car being my first, he helped me get that too and its in his name. I feel like maybe that is part of the reason I'm in the beck and call position, but I know that part of it is that it is just his personality and I'm his only child. I'm not ungrateful. I help him all the time. I call just to say hi and ask how they are doing. I'm always trying to be helpful. I'm repeating myself. Please, any advice would be very much appreciated. I want to throw my hands up in the air, chew him out, and ask my BF to help me maybe buy the car from him, and pay the insurance, registration, etc. I also just wish I could be more independent and not owe anybody..but that's why I'm in school, getting A's, and digging myself into debt. HELP.
  2. It's a common question, asked so often it's lost its potency. But those are the exact words I mean to say, and the question is a serious one, worthy of more purposeful answers than the simple and flippant “no one knowsâ€. I've struggled with the questionable meaning of my existence for as long as I've been alive, but it's a fight that's become more fervent, now that I've begun to grapple with anxiety. It only began recently; within the past month, I believe. I was overcome one night with the sudden and paralyzing understanding that I am going to die, everyone I know is going to die, and whether it's tomorrow or when I'm ninety, I'll never be able to stop it. I don't mean to make it sound as if I was just learning this fact for the first time; I was already well acquainted with death by then. But it was the first time I'd experienced this knowledge with emotion, rather than rationality, and emotions aren't something I handle gracefully. The intensity of these episodes shift from mild to extreme, but ever since that first one the truth has been there, nagging at the back of my mind. I can't go back to being carefree and invincible- it makes me wish I could have died as a child, before I knew how precious my moments were. Before I knew we were all just waiting to die. Whatever it is... however I go, I hope I don't see it coming. I don't want to know when it happens. I hope it's heart failure; that'll mean I lived as long as I possibly could, and there was nothing I could have done. I hope I'm asleep. Or maybe euthanasia, when I'm too old to care and feeling at peace with the life I've led. Quickly, before I change my mind. Or maybe when I'm young, holding the hand of the man I love. I won't be going it alone. Why can't I live like everyone else? How come no one in my life is afraid like this? They just go on living, focusing on superficial problems and only now and then looking back on the time that's passed. Why can't my existential crisis come and go every five or ten years? Why must it persist and leave me mourning each second that goes by? I've asked many people around me if they're afraid of dying. No one has said 'yes' yet, which makes me feel isolated, but at the same time gives me hope. But when I try asking them why death doesn't scare them, their answers are disappointing. “It's a horse everyone rides once,†my friend Charlie told me. “It's nothing to fuss over,†My grandfather said. Where I hoped to find answers, people who'd felt the way I do now but discovered wisdom to make it bearable, I only seem to find folks who've never spared it much thought- and it's a little too late for me to do that now. I just want to know how to take things for granted again, because this is not a happy way to live. It makes every moment bittersweet, and while it pushes me into appreciating my loved ones and the time I have, it also leaves me with a crippling sense of loss that I can't come to terms with. I always find some temporary resolve, something I think will finally help me to make peace with mortality, but the anxiety keeps coming back. I can't shake it for long, and while I'm grateful for my life and the people in it, the fear of it all being pointless is suffocating me. (I shared this with my doctor and she suggested I drink water. She's kind of old and kind of Korean, so I think maybe we miscommunicated.) *Just a sidenote, due to my challenge in categorizing this; I apologize for putting this into the religion category, but nothing else really fit. I suppose 'mental health' would have been reasonable, but I'm uncomfortable with labelling it under something with such stigma, and as it is, I feel this is more a dilemma of intellect rather than illness. Also worth mentioning- I'm not an terribly pious person. Christianity always seemed too... specific. It has an awful lot of details that don't mean much of anything to me. And if I end up in hell for being a non-believer, it's a significantly preferable fate to the nothingness that I'm scared is waiting for me. If I could get over my misgivings and simply 'choose' to believe in something, I'd be ecstatic. Over the friggin' moon. As it stands, I'm not inclined toward one thing or another; all organized systems of belief that I've ever studied just seem too... convenient? I don't exactly know what the word is to describe it. I suppose I've just never been able to reconcile my overwhelmingly rational nature with my need for spiritual balance. Anyway, I'm not looking for religion. I'm just looking for peace. Any thoughts on the subject would be a wonderful help. ((I've been off the site for over a year, I tend to come and go like that. I hope you all are faring a little better than me and your spring has been a pleasant one so far. ♥))
  3. I'm a fairly young guy living in a big city. The last time I dated anyone was 2.5 years ago. I've been painfully alone since and always hear the "how are you still single??" question. She had just come out of a relationship, I was vulnerable and a sucker for a pretty face. When the inevitable "I don't feel the same" conversation came I was heart-broken. But I should have known better.. For months I fell into a deep depression. I know I hit bottom when I become suicidal. In the years to follow I gathered numerous friends at work. In my industry there are primarily young women. During a night out with my colleagues, one of these women, a tall beautiful half-italian half-german, 20 something-year old who clearly spends lots of time in the gym and sports curly hair and stalletos, says to me "I like you. Everyone likes you. But you seem like you have a secret.." I became well liked at my last job. Extremely popular. But she was right. What I was hiding was the fact that I was severely depressed. On and off for the better part of my life. I hid it very, very, very well at work. How do you tell someone something like this? It's difficult enough to admit it to yourself. I found that all the intimacy, and love and tenderness I was lacking in my personal life, I let out in my professional life. I would plan happy hours, talked to everyone like they were the most important person in the room, and treated every girl I met as if I had a huge crush on them (which I did for the most part). This led to a lot of popularity. But I couldnt run from the truth. And truth is that I was and am painfully, terrifyingly lonely and sad. I switched jobs. I got an offer I really could not refuse. In the last few months of my previous job I hooked up with that stalleto-sporting, gym-going, curly-haird twenty something I mentioned earlier. We had been friends for sometime but things escalated one night. As you would imagine this girl has many eyes on her. We hooked up 3 times over the period of 4 or 5 months. The last of which was two weeks ago. There is something I should mention. One my triggers for falling into a deep depression is women. Especially finding women to be not interested in me. It's not the only thing but it plays a big part of severe downward spirals for me. And also explains why I simply don't go near them. To the point where I've been asked "are you gay?" ... no, I am not. But the truth of the matter is a scary one. So I see this beautiful young lady about two weeks ago. The next day we text back and forth as normal people would. The week was met with silence. I see her again at a bar later in the week. We dance the night away together and I see her off to a cab. Something changed after that. Apparently she had made plans that sunday, the same day we were going to hang out. I invite her out Sat for a mutuals friends holiday party, and she declines "going to the office and then the gym" she replies. Something felt off after that... I didnt hear from her the entire week. But something inside me cracked. And I don't think it's completely related to the breakdown in communication with this girl. I spent sunday curled up in a ball crying. I have anti-depressants that I take in a fairly low dose and popped three of them. Still filled with excrutiating pain I took a xanax and finally knocked myself out. The work week was terrible. I can remain calm in front of co-workers, and even excel in my work as I desperately try and distract myself, but every afternoon, when I left my office, the tears would run uncontrollably. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped doing laundry. I stopped shaving. I stopped cleaning anything. I would get home, eat whatever I could find, curl up into a ball on my kitchen floor, and sob and sob and sob. Once I gathered enough energy to take an anti-depressant and a xanax, I would curl up on my couch and cry until I fell asleep....this started last sunday and has continued this entire week through today. I know I need help. Im getting it. The appointment is a month away. I suppose I just needed to share this story with someone. Even if it's just strangers. My sleeping patterns are becoming very strange and I can barely move through out the day without taking xanax ( I realize this is unhealthy) . Something about my off-and-on relationship with this girl opened up a serious can of worms. That's my story. That's my secret. Thanks for reading it.
  4. I've been dealing with anxiety and panic disorder for about 7 years now. Last year I was able to be normal again. Be off the medication and be fine, no panic, no anxiety, just feeling normal. Well something happened and I came back to square one. Except this time I hyperventilate... Bad. It was easy to handle because my job allowed me to work from home, but then I got fired to an unrelated reason. Any mental sufferer knows the difficulties of starting a new job. Before I started this new job I was on two medications, an anti depressant and a benzo. I stopped the anti depressant bexayae I felt that maybe it was making me sick (the hyperventilating) even though this medication (Remeron) I had taken for years. So I stopped it a couple weeks ago. This is my third week at my new job and I feel ashamed that I had to leave early today. Everyday at a random time I will start hyperventilating, but this time I couldn't handle it. I felt nauseas, my skin lost all color due to me feeling faint, and I couldn't stop it. So I made an excuse and left early. I love this job and the people I work with but I felt like my manager had given me an attitude when I asked to leave (I left an hour early). I don't want to be like this anymore. Here I am laying in bed and I can't take it. For once I want to be able to get up and not worry what I will feel like today or what's going to happen to me. Its been years of dealing with this and it only seems to get worse. I am emotionally and physically drained. I've lost so much of my life because of this and now im scared I'd lose my job. I don't know what to do anymore.
  5. Have you ever noticed if you're feeling down and out people often try to motivate you to get up and get out? It's not annoying at all, in fact I've appreciated it when it's happened, but I'm just having trouble understanding the logic behind telling someone to go move around that wants to be lazy for a while. Sometimes, I might appreciate hanging out on the couch too much for too long of periods, but frankly there's nothing as satisfying as curling up under a blanket on a chilly day watching comedies knowing full well you're supposed to be doing something else. I'm thinking about reaching a compromise at work. I have very recently decided to try being Jewish(yes as of a few seconds ago). We can do that in the US freedom of religion and all right? It may be a bad start to following through on my decision, but for giving me today off work, I will give up observing the upcoming Sukkot(Feast of Tabernacles) which is a non-work holiday that begins October 9th and doesn't end until October 15th. How does that sound?
  6. A year ago this month a three year relationship I was in ended. She left me for another man but I understand why. For the first year it was great we loved each other did fun things ect.. The last two years though I seemed to become emotionally abusive to her. A few examples are I wouldn't like when she hung out with her guy friends alone, I would often get jealous, I wouldn't threaten to break up with her or take back a promise ring I bought for her, I made her feel like anything she did wasn't good enough. Since this break up I have been going in and out of depression. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what I put her through and I want to change. After the break up I dropped out of two semesters of college because I just couldn't focus on anything. 6 months ago I lost my job of 3.7 years because I was often late due to my depression. Currently I am in school but I am falling behind and I am feeling overwhelmed. This past year I have lost a lot of my friends that I've had since high school. Currently I only have two distant friends left and I am worried I will also lose them as well. I am very antisocial I get nervous when I leave my house or talk to people. I feel like everyone is judging me. I have trouble keeping eye contact or even talking to people because my mind goes blank. So I end up staying in my house during all my free time. I feel so hopeless like these feelings will never go away. I can't focus on anything my mind is just filled with a thick fog. All I do is procrastinate. My therapist gave me vyvanse two weeks ago because when I was younger I was diagnosed with ADHD but all it seems to be doing is making me more depressed and unable to focus. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like nothing will get me out of this place which makes me think what is the purpose of living a life where I just hurt the ones I love and feel all these negative feelings everyday. All I want is to be happy and become someone if life with a family that I could love.
  7. I have always been a firm believer in the fact that mental health is just as serious as physical health. It affects people in different ways but it is just as important and should be treated as such. It's not easy for me to open up as a person. I can easily say that I am an introvert. I'm not reclusive: I do have friends. Rather, I am at my most peaceful when I am alone. So, it is not easy for me to talk about myself and my problems. I think that I am able to write this now because I am not in a room full of people but instead simply looking at a computer screen. I have severe depression as well as social anxiety. You would not notice this if you passed me walking down the street. You wouldn't notice this if you were even a friend of mine. It even took my family several months to finally figure out something was seriously wrong. I am very good at hiding emotions. I am also very good at telling people what they want to hear. I don't like to admit that I have depression because I don't feel as though I should have it. I come from a rooted and happy family. I have been very blessed in my life, so why should I be so unhappy with it? I know that depression is considered as a chemical imbalance in the brain and I truly believe that fact. But believing that still doesn't keep me from feeling as though I shouldn't have depression. There are so many people in this world that are a lot less blessed in life than I am, and yet I am unhappy in my life? It seems a little selfish to me. I think that this was one of the reasons that I hid my feelings from everyone around me. I thought that I should be responsible for everything in my life and shouldn't rely on others. I would have to take care of myself. But as the academic and financial pressures built up, the depression and anxiety began to get worse. A lot worse. And then I attempted suicide. I almost succeeded too. I took over one hundred pain pills. My mother found me in the kitchen, empty bottles around me, a note in my hand. I was rushed to the hospital and thankfully have suffered no long term damage. Society today looks at attempted suicide as something a person does to seek attention. They do it as a cry for help, and to be noticed. To me, there seems to be a stereotype surrounding it. And maybe some have attempted suicide for that reason, and there is nothing wrong with that. I did it because I truly wanted to end my life. I was ready to die. I didn't just write this because I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. That was a big reason. It is time for me to open up and be honest about what happened and own up to what I did. It's time to let others know. And yes, you are all perfect strangers and there is almost no chance that you will ever meet me in real life, but this is a start. It will be a while before I can tell those closest to me about what happened but I do feel as though I have made progress. But the real reason that I am posting this is to ask for a favor. I ask that you don't judge. That in your daily life, if someone should open up and tell you their story, no matter what it is about, that you listen, and you not treat them any differently. The road to recovery is long and hard. It will be long time before I will be okay again and it is going to be a rocky road. But I will recover. I will get trough this. I recently found a tattoo online that has given me inspiration. It is very simple in design but the meaning is much deeper. It is simply a semicolon. This has become the symbol for attempted suicide. A semicolon is placed where a sentence is supposed to end, but it is continued on. Just like my life. My life could have ended right then in that kitchen. But it didn't, and I truly believe there is a reason for that.I just don't know what it is yet. I can't wait to find out. My name is Julie; I am a survivor, not a quitter.
  8. The past year or so has been pretty rough for me. A vey good friend died in June 2013, a week after her death I was beaten up by a so called friend and her partner. They threw me out of my own home and I pretty much lost everything. Ended up in a hostel with no one and I lost my job which I loved. I got mugged twice whilst living in the new city. I moved to another hostel earlier this year, where I received very little support or help from the staff. I regularly got things stolen and was bullied by residents. It lead to one of the residents attacking me, holding me hostage and finally releasing me after I handed over all my money. Thankfully I had somewhere else to move to. Also to make things worse the love of my life dumped me and I miss them, I miss my step daughter so much. April this year was a bad time as my step mum, who I was very close to and loved so much suddenly died. She had heart attack. Everyday I think about her and my friend who died last year I always feel low, I can't seem to be happy though I am great a pretending. I self harm to cope and when I can, I will drink till I can barely stand to help. Nothing feels like it will ever go right. At night I am wide awake and can only sleep during daylight hours as I have like panic attacks. Every time I go out I struggle with feelings something is going to happen and I get worked up and upset. Its like I am on an emotional rollercoaster and to be honest I just want to end it all. The last Dr I spoke to told to me exercise and keep a diary, should be ok then. Can anyone give me some advice on coping?
  9. I currently have a job but have been looking for other options for the past month. My current job is not terrible—the only truly bad thing is the pay. I make $13/hour, working 31 hours/week. I live on my own and can only rely on my income which isn’t dire, but with expenses I’m basically only saving $100/month. I’ve been replying to ads on craigslist and one person finally responded, requesting an interview for tomorrow. This job is $20/hour for 40 hours/week (really wish it were part-time). I don’t know if I should go for it. I’m nervous because I don’t like change. I haven’t had a job interview for a while and that’s got me anxious too. I also feel guilty for thinking of leaving my coworkers, things are so crazy at my job right now and me leaving would only make it crazier. I got literally sick this morning because I’m so nervous! Part of me wants to just decline the interview offer and keep things as they are, but will I regret that? Anonymous poster hash: 0f87a...1a7
  10. Synopsis (TLDR;) My dad racked up debt, is non-committal, may be feigning depression, and is impossible to talk to without offending. My family is falling apart, I feel responsible, and am seeking advice. I'm seeking feedback on my situation and possible suggestions for action, as I feel unable to make a sound decision due to emotional issues. The problem I'm facing revolves generally around my father, and specifically around my inability to understand his behavior. Fair warning, I find it difficult to express myself or relate a story without appearing long-winded and wordy. Some details before I begin: I am currently enrolled in my fourth and final year of undergraduate study. My father is middle-aged and lives with my mother in the suburbs of a large city in the Midwest. If you want the short(er) version skip to the second # on the left hand side of the page. # My father is horrible with money--awful at handling it, saving it, balancing it, earning it--all aspects of it, really. He works in a challenging field and, at one point, made around 60,000 dollars a year. Combined with my mother's salary of 30,000 or so, I had a privileged childhood that I remain very thankful for. Growing up, I often heard my parents argue about my dad's job, he had switched institutions three times since he began work in the late 80's, much to the dismay of my mother. She kept warning him that if he kept quitting there would soon be no more institutions in the area willing to hire him. When I was in the seventh grade, my father quit his job without informing any of us, somehow pretending to work for over a year while spending retirement savings, the college funds of my brother and I, borrowing against his pension, and racking up nearly 30,000 dollars in credit card debt on top of late mortgage payments. He spent without reserve during this time, assumedly to cover up his guilt. We received new phones; he purchased a boat, land outside of town, a new car, and finished our basement. The times were great while they lasted. Eventually my mother received a notice in the mail that revealed what my dad had done. Our house hadn't been paid off entirely (nor had the cars) and my mother didn't earn nearly enough to pay them off on her own. My parents fought and screamed for what seemed like an eternity. They threatened each other with divorce. This didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. What bothered me was when my mother wept; she waited until my father was gone and my brother and I were in bed. For some strange reason I still feel guilty that I could hear her. I realize now that I'm getting a bit away from my point, and will fast-forward a few years, refocusing the story on my brother, mother, and self. My brother and I were lucky enough to fit into the "gifted" category at school, he had excelled more than I, but we shared the same passion for learning and reading. He was dismayed by the loss of his college funds, but managed to get a full ride to a top-rated university. He worked throughout school to purchase himself a car and provide for living expenses. Looking to his example, I began working 27 to 36 hours a week at a local store, more in the summers, in preparation for college. All the while, my father began selling off ill-gotten property and took a job making 40,000 dollars a year. He made it very clear to me that he could not help me pay for college; I understood his impossible position but will not pretend I was without resentment. I followed in my brother's footsteps some years later, entering the same university with around 80% of my tuition covered by scholarship. Due to my parent's combined income, I received no income-based aid. For my first year of school I lacked decent health insurance, a car, a laptop, and a meal plan. Working regular time, and not without student loans, I have purchased these things for myself, and am currently spending what I presume to be my last summer staying with my parents in our suburban home. My mother often offers to help make payments, and I realize she would follow through, but I don't want her to lose what little she's saved by taking a second job during our troubles. This brings us to present day (again, I apologize for the lengthy preface). # During my time away at university, my father has worked at four different institutions, spending nearly half of his time unemployed. Within six shifts at a new job, he would begin to complain that the working conditions are unsafe, or the environment is hostile, or the drive too taxing. He would then promptly quit, leaving numerous black marks on his resume and stressing my mother to no end. They are now both nearing retirement age, and he’s still paying off debts accrued during his vacation from reality some eight years ago. This past winter he took up a taxing job with wonderful benefits and an impressive salary. He seemed cheerier, and my parents appeared to be as, if not more, happy than they had been in a long time. Last week I returned from my apartment at school to find my mother once again distraught, and that my father had quit his job once again. This time, he introduced a new all-encompassing explanation for his behavior and truant tendencies: depression. He revealed to me that he had been diagnosed with anxiety, but not GAD, a year ago and has been prescribed a mixture of anti-anxiety medication coupled with Ritalin to counter-act the grogginess. I was shocked by this revelation, my father was taking uppers in the morning, downers at night and, according to my observations, liberally following his doctors orders to use “as needed†throughout the day. I do not treat this depression lightly, my brother and I have suffered from it in varying degrees requiring professional attention throughout our lives. My father has never--and in my opinion still does not--show any symptoms of the disorder. He claims to be too depressed to work and sometimes even to eat. I notice that, while he “cannot†work professionally, he spends his free time gardening, fishing, playing the guitar, and surfing the internet. He frequently skips meals my mother and I prepare, but I often find fast food bags and snack food containers hidden in the bottom of our trash bins. It infuriates me that he makes a point of looking depressed when my mother and I get ready for work in the morning by staying in bed and feigning a lack of appetite*. *A quick example, today I left for work while my dad was in bed without my tie, I returned briefly after leaving to fetch it. When I entered the house my father was eating cereal in front of the TV he had hastily turned off when he heard me open the door. This event is largely responsible for my current rant. My brother escaped much of the financial ruin, I have attempted to overcome it, but my mother is constantly bearing the price of my father’s whims. I’ve racked my brain for solutions or even peace of mind, but I remain limited by the fact he’s very temperamental, and has reacted almost violently to my attempts to verbalize financial concerns in the past. I don’t feel entitled to the money he’s lost, but I do feel responsible for the fate of our family. My brother has nearly abandoned the problems of our family since he moved away (we still keep in touch), my father plays the part of a child refusing to attend Sunday service because he wants to play with toys and watch cartoons, and my mother cries at night. Life at university is hard, and I feel like I have no time to myself due to hours of wage work, scholarship jobs, and studying, but returning to my parent’s house is a thousand times more trying. I’m afraid my dad is noncommittal enough to abandon my mother if I don’t keep coming home to mediate over breaks or possibly even petty enough to flee if I merely embarrass him by speaking candidly about the matter. I’m afraid my mother will break-down if I stop coming home or cease calling her every week while at school to listen to her vent and seek consultation. I’m afraid my brother will pull further away until he’s completely unwilling to support my parents in old age when they inevitably grow too old to work if I stop keeping in close contact with him and his wife. I’m afraid I won’t be able to support them on my own while maintaining my own life and saving for a future family of my own. Advice for future action, comments on my harsh attitude towards my father, suggestions on coping are all welcome and sought. I often seek solace in books, and in writing this summary of my anxieties I was constantly reminded of Anna Karenina, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.†Tolstoy hit the mark, but it brings little comfort; I feel that unhappy families are unhappy in ineffable ways, and I regret not being able to fully communicate many aspects of our scenario in this appeal. I would be remiss not to once again apologize for my long-windedness and thank anyone who took the time to read my often pretentious and always depressing style of writing.
  11. Okay so I'm kind of a strange, quirky person and it's something I'm learning to accept about myself. I do odd things and I'm not hurting anyone or making anyone feel bad, it's all cool. Except I also have really bad social anxiety and I'm a little bipolar, so I basically go into things like, 'fuck yes i'm going to do this and it's going to be awesome' and then immediately hate myself and regret the decision and kind of want to kill myself a little. I'm taking summer classes at university and I'm one of about maybe 30-50 people here tops, and I don't really know anyone else and today I got really bored and decided to go roller-skating around the parking lot which, in retrospect, sounds very weird and is something I should not have done, especially since the parking lot is super-gravelly and probably not meant for skating. I know, in my head, it's probably not too big of a deal because none of the people who saw me probably aren't in the single, 8-9 student class I'm taking, and even though the people who did see me will remember who I was (bright pink hair) it actually really doesn't matter what they think. It doesn't matter that I know that though because I'm freaking the fuck out and I hate myself and I'm just wondering why the fuck I do dumb ass socially-retarded things like this and I keep thinking I'll never make friends here. I just feel awful and scared and I want to cry. Why can't I be one of those people who's just confident in every dumb-ass insane thing they do? Please help.
  12. I try to put up with a lot of things in life! I try to make everyone happy! I try rele hard and no matter what I do I can never feel happy enough! I get stressed out so easilly! I try to be there for everyone who needs help! and when I tell them i cant help them they just coldly tell me how I am a bad person and selfish! I feel so unappreciated! I too have problems on my own! I do not feel like i am good enough! I feel like im so fat and ugly and no matter what i do it doesnt matter! I dont feel like i am good at anything! I have anger problems sometimes! I am trying to accept myself but I cant! I dont understand whats wrong with me! I feel so overwhelmed! any advice?
  13. I used to come here all the time wow, it looks different! A while ago I decided not to come back, because a few users were demanding my attention, yet I could not look after myself (let alone help somebody else). I find myself here again today, because I just need to say something, to anyone! I have been depressed for a long time, but very little people know. This is due to my own fears... maybe they'll reject me, maybe they'll assume I'm acting up? - both plausible scenarios, because I have experienced both on a regular basis. My GP let me down recently. I waited for months to see their therapist, because I could no longer afford to pay someone, but they couldn't see me because I work on the days they are available. They are available for two days a week! I can't help but feel like not enough is being done there. I don't know what else to do. Today is one of those days where I feel awful and there is no explanation. The thoughts start happening - bad things from the past, present and what awaits me in the future. Today I'm also feeling a little paranoid for some reason. There was no trigger, this is just the way I am today. I'm fed up of feeling this way and for no reason! The more I think about it, the more frustrated I get and the circle keeps going. I know I should tell people, but I wanted to start the help first, because at least then I could say that I'm doing something about it, but that didn't work out. What do I do? Aside from change GPs... I really don't know. I'm very limited due to finances and the one person who knows about my problems lives far away and has his own life to deal with. I see no way out anymore, I just see this cycle that goes on and on and I see no future for me anymore. I don't know what to do. If you took the time, thanks for reading. Anonymous poster hash: a0796...ed7
  14. I don't know how to go forward from here. I am stuck in a miserable situation that seems hopeless to me. It's so hard to see the light. I suffered from some severe mental health issues throughout my 20s and went through some difficult life circumstances. It was a long bout of depression where I contemplated suicide at times as well. Fortunately, I am better and am beginning to slowly heal. However, I'm left with the mess that this situation created. Because of everything that was going on, my grades in school suffered terribly and I've never been able to find a steady, well-paying job. I had so many dreams, to go to medical school, to travel, to write a book. But everything seems hopeless now. I am left with a horrible undergrad gpa, no real work experience to list on my resume and under $1000 in my bank account. I am working part-time and thinking of going back to school to recover from my earlier setback - but it all just seems so daunting. I don't have a strong support system and I just don't know what to do...i worry that I'll just have to watch my dreams slowly die...
  15. I'm been dating this guy for a few months now and things are getting pretty serious. He sleeps over all the time and we are constantly together. But I am getting kind of bummed out because he's starting to see all my embarrassing flaws. Like for one my acne has been TERRIBLE lately. I'm going on birth control soon but until then I get so embarrassed at night when I have to take my makeup off in front of him. And he's starting to notice all the little stupid things I do. They aren't cute little quirks either. They are weird. Like I have to pee a ton at night before bed. And I get up and down a lot, and I use nose spray and chap stick wayyy too much. my self esteem and over analyzing everything I do is getting bad. I don't understand myself, because sometimes I feel like I have the highest confidence, but then most of the time I have the lowest self-esteem in the world. I just want to be back to my old confident self. He even tells me I'm way too hard on myself. I try so hard to make sure he thinks I'm really confident. But I think he is starting to catch on that I'm not always that way. And it sucks because I'm afraid he secretly thinks I'm crazy.. and all these other annoying things.. OKAY, hope this all made sense. Just had to vent.
  16. Hello everyone I just wanted to update people as to what's been going on with me. After my breakup which I posted on here alot about, for that I apologise, I decided I couldn't get any better while living in the same house as my ex. My tenancy runs out in July, so after a pretty severe breakdown my house mate suggested I move back in with my parents until I feel strong enough to be around him. That was in March, it is now May and I'm hoping to move back in June for the last month of the tenancy. I've been going to various therapies, meditating, trying to feel good about myself for once and I feel like it's working. I sometimes wake up and feel anxious about what I'm coming back to and I guess in my last month I want to do some pretty intense therapy and activities just to really make me feel better for when I go back, if anyone has any suggestions that would be wonderful. I still miss him sometimes and occasionally blame myself still for the breakdown of the relationship but I know that isn't productive and I need to concentrate on me now. Just wanted to say thank you to those that posted and helped me through it. I hope you're all well
  17. forewarned, I actually sent this in an email to someone I met on the old site but they probably won't email me back for days, so I just wanted someone to hear me out, you don't need to comment but I wouldn't mind if you did. Life is kind of shitty. People always say that life is what we make it. Sometimes I think that I'm sad because I choose to be, but I've tried so damn hard to be happy, to turn over a new leaf and get in with my life. It worked, if only for a second and the it came back...the sadness creeped back in. It lurks under my bed and between the lines of my ruled paper. I can't motivate myself anymore. I used to work so hard in school and I would sometimes get the grades I needed or wanted but then other times I'd work and fail and I would get so upset and try harder. But here, I just get upset. I work hard and I don't get grades I want, and I don't care. I don't care if I flunk out of school. I should, I really should because my parents are paying a ton of money for me to go to my school. It's a hard university but I thought I could do it, but all I want is a break from life. I really do want to die. Especially right now. I'm going to call the counseling services at my school and set up an appointment for later this week. I'll let you know how it goes. I am going into circles, I am trapped. I almost cut myself the other day, and decided to just not shower because I knew what I was going to do if I were to. It hurts, because I don't have anyone here I could talk to. No one knows about the person I was back in high school, and I don't know if I want them too. I don't know of any person I could go have a nice cry to or just tell them that I'm scared. I am so scared for my life and what I could do to myself. I sometimes want to just go on. Get hit by a car, or some how get injured or maimed where no one would know what to do. I'm not brave enough to jump because I'm scared to hit the ground. My fear keeps me away from death, I think, because in reality I am scared as to what life after death is. My deepest fear, I believe is death. The irony is so prevalent, because I've never thought I could want something I so deeply feared. I search the internet for ways to kill myself and it amazes me that I can't find one good answer. It also amazes me that I clearly don't want to die because when I search that, I'll always find people trying to stop me. Instead lately I've been thinking about the note I'd leave behind. Because you know I couldn't very well just kill myself and not let my parents know it wasn't their fault that I turned out like this. I'd have to let them know that I love them so so much. I'd have to let my friends know too. It's just me. I'm just the toxic that is embedded within my body and the only way to rid myself of this toxicity is to let myself be free. Be free from this life. I know I'm not ready because I can feel the tears stinging in the back of my eyes as I write this. I know I'm not ready because I want to go into the bathroom and cry my eyes out. I'm not ready yet, but I'm going to get there and I'm going to find a way to die my way and be ready for it. A brief thought flashed in my mind, and I wondered if I could be so mean. So mean to my parents to tell them that I knew something was wrong with me. I knew I was sad and no one believed it was serious, well get this, it is. My feelings might not be real to you, but they're real to me and they've been biting at my insides trying to swallow me whole. But, I couldn't say that to my parents because I love them. I think I love them less though than I did. I just wish they could have taken me seriously. I suppose they did but it was SO easy to convince everyone I was okay and I was just a hormonal teenage girl who didn't have any serious problems. I look back at it, and I wish I'd gotten the help I needed. I wish I didn't feel like I have to lie.
  18. At first I wasnt really bothered by it because I wasnt that serious with him, but now that we are serious.. and they are going to be living together, I feel extremely uncomfortable. My friend isn't his type at all, and honestly isnt attractive at all either. I'm not trying to be shallow, I just think I'm his type and she isnt. He even told me multiple times he isnt attracted to her. But the thing is, she has sex a lot, and with a lot of people. I trust him but I dont really trust her at all. She says he's like a brother to her but that doesnt really make me feel any better. Today she was talking to me about how excited she is to be living with him and how they have to go furniture shopping soon. She was also saying she can't wait to become best friends with his mom?? Those are things I want to happen with me?!?! I just feel like those are things couples do and it doesnt sit right with me at all. I was just expecting them to be roomates but I feel like they are going to start hanging out and getting really close. I dont know how to talk to him about this without him thinking I'm way too clingy. This just sucks and i'm feeling extremely anxious about it. Some advice would be amazing!!
  19. I just started birth control so this could have something to do with it. But I'm in the worst mood and I just want to cry. I'm sitting in my room right now over thinking everything that's going on with my life. I'm 21 and in community college. I'm not doing well in school this semester, I live with five girls, my parents are about to move all the way across the country, and to top it all off, I dont think my boyfriend is as serious in our relationship as I am. Those are just the main things. I'm on the verge of tears but I'm about to go to class so I'm trying to hold back. I'm just so frustrated and anxious with everything right now and I don't know what to do. I'm having such a hard time growing up and I don't know what I wanna do with my life. I suck at school and I'm pretty much just doing it to make my parents happy, which makes me even more depressed. I just want do be happy but it's so hard sometimes..
  20. I set up an appointment to see someone at my school the other day, and the protocol is to have a 15 minute phone interview before I go in to see anyone, so they can figure out what I need. So, I talked to someone, and I don't know what happened to me, I couldn't answer her questions, my chest started tightening and the more she asked the more I wanted to hang up the phone and pretend that I had never called at all. But I keep telling myself I need this, but I know that the first thing I'll do when I walk into the office in 2 weeks (because that's the only time they can fit me in...and I'm kind of nervous I'm going to do something really stupid before that) and I'll immediately start sobbing. I just won't be able to stop. I cried on the phone yesterday and I don't think she knew, but I just couldn't stop and I kept rubbing my chest, and it felt like a mini panic attack, I haven't had one in so long that has effected me so much. I now feel stressed (I want to pull my hair out) and I can't do any of my school work (which wouldn't be a problem but my grades are relying on my two tests this week and I have to do well...or I might be in trouble...). I know this is just a general problem, and no one will really respond, because no one responded to my last question. I kind of feel like I'm drowning and everyone is asking why I can't swim. I can't really talk about it with my friends here because I haven't really opened up to them about it. One of our friends is already depressed and I really don't want to take that away from her and I don't want people to think I'm doing it for attention or that I'm weird. I'm also having this problem where everyone thinks I'm on drugs or I'm drunk all the time. And the worse part is, I'm not and it's making me want to start doing drugs and drinking more just to tell them, yes I'm high or I'm drunk and finally you're right. Finally my happiness is exactly where you think it comes from? Is it so terrible that I make myself goofy because I'd rather be comfortable and happy than being so depressed all the time. So yeah, I'm avoiding my problems because I don't want to deal with them, but it works, until someone asks me the dreaded question. Sometimes the only thing that can calm me down is a drink. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. I get asked this question at least 2 or 3 times a day. I know I'm just rambling. but I need to. I need to. Anonymous poster hash: 8f77e...556 Anonymous poster hash: 8f77e...556
  21. God, I am so anxious today. Over everything. I am just mentally exhausted. I live with five girls and they are always fighting over something. It's mostly one roommate that starts all the drama though. I'll call her Sarah... Sarah is one of those people that only likes to hear herself talk. And I guess you could say I accidentally became really good friends with her. Mostly because I'm a really nice person.. TOO nice. and I let her talk to me about anything. Well lately she's kind of been treating me and the other roommates like shit. She's REALLY mad at the other roommates but not at me. She still gives me attitude all the time though, and I can't stand it. I feel like I'm always walking on egg shells with her and no matter what I do she will always find something to be mad about. I freaking drove her to work almost every day when her car broke down because none of the other roommates would. But when she could tell I was getting frustrated I didnt want to take her home anymore, she got mad at ME. saying it wasn't cool I was getting frustrated I had to go out of my way to pick her up?? then just a few hours ago she came barging in my room while I was hanging out with my boyfriend because someone in the house ate her frozen hamburger meat (Which it wasn't me) and was like freaking out saying everyone in the house is so disrespectful. and she just stood there for like ten minutes ranting about it even though me and my boyfriend were watching something on TV. then she freaked out on me for not answering her phone call. And to add on to that I have really bad anxiety problems and when someone even sounds attacking or mad I get extremely anxious. Like while she was saying all this my hands were shaking and I was trying to hide it from my boyfriend because it should not have been that big of a deal and I was embarrassed. I just dont know how to deal with it anymore. and it seems to be getting worse because I've been distancing myself from her. Like this weekend I want to go to a cabin house with some friends and I feel like shes going to be mad at me for that because she doesnt like one of the girls going and she wanted me to stay the weekend and hangout with her and her brother.. I feel like if I dont go out of my way to do things for her she will be mad at me. I dont think shes even really done anything for me besides buy me some groceries and lunch like once for driving her everywhere all the time. I'm just tired of feeling like shit for not being able to stand up for myself and constantly getting anxious over little things like this..
  22. I'll right to the point here... Lately I've been obsessing about my weight/stomach size/feeling fat and I have been very careful about what I eat or drink. Usually I'm the kind of person who will eat whatever I feel like and not care what other people think (because food is awesome). But lately... I don't want to eat. I feel like eating will make me fat. Before you say, "yep - get help. That's the start to anorexia" I should tell you that I'm 22 years old, and in my fourth year of a Psychology Degree. I know what these thoughts are and I know all about eating disorders (a friend of mine has been anorexic for about 5 years). What scares me is that now I'M the one thinking these things and I don't know why. I love food... I want to eat food like I always do... but at the same time I don't want it. I just want water. I want to lose weight. I guess I should also mention that I'm not over weight and never have been. I'm 5'5" and 125lbs. But my tummy has been poking out a little too much these past couple months and I can't stop obsessing about it!! I've started doing exercises for my core and I've been walking every day for at least 30min, which isn't a bad thing, but the only reason I'm doing it is because I'm hoping my stupid belly will start shrinking back to what it was before. A big reason I chose to write a post about this is because about 20 minutes ago I purged for the very first time in my life. It's probably also important to say that I had a major depressive episode 6 years ago and have been struggling with anxiety and OCD since recovering from that. I'm on anti-depressants for it all. Could this just be my OCD? .... Does anyone have any advice on what to do? It's starting to jepordize my studying...which isn't good since I'm in my fourth and final year of my degree. Thanks for reading.
  23. So this girl that basically made my life a living hell is thinking about transferring to the college I'm going to. She is honestly one of the reasons I am still insecure about many things today. We were best friends for six years and I honestly felt like she was mentally abusive. She would always put me down, make me feel stupid, ruin my things and embarrass me in public... all the time. I remember spending many nights crying or anxious over the things she said to me. It's so frustrating I let someone have that much power over me. My life in college has been amazing without her here. I'm so afraid if she transfers to where I am things could get bad again. I never wanna go back to that place.. I've never met someone I never want to see again.. but she is definitely an acceptation.
  24. About a week or so ago I went in for some surgery to have a Vagus Nerve Stimulator (VNS), a device which is used to help control recurrent, intractable epilepsy as well as severe cases of depression and anxiety that hasn't been well controlled with medications. A couple of days ago my neurologist turned on the device up to .5 milliamps and ever since my depression, anxiety, and seizures have been well-controlled. Take yesterday for example; I not only was calm and content but I was able to stop up to five seizures before they commenced and my abdominal pain was well controlled b/c the VNS device was also controlling my digestive disorder symptoms. It looks as if things are beginning to look up and as if ice hockey is somewhere in my future. FYI: Here's a link to some info about the device, its benefits, and side effects one must watch for if you or someone you know chooses to go this route. http://us.cyberonics.com/vns-therapy Thanks for reading.
  25. Okay, I don't exactly know how to explain this. But I guess I'll just go with it. I always feel like people are mad at me. Like I'll do one small thing and I feel like the person hates me. I let peoples thoughts stress me out way too much. Like I accedently used too much hot water and one of my roomates yelled at me in a joking way and now I just feel like she is going to be mad at me for a while. I asked my friends if they thought she was mad and they all said it was no big deal. There's also some people at school that are always trying to hangout with me but I honestly never want to hangout with them because I dont really care for them that much.. But when they complain to me about never hanging out with them I feel guilty. I'm just so none assertive with people and sensitive about everything. I'm also on my period and I think that has a little bit to do with why I'm overthinking every single thing people say to me.. But I'm just worried people don't have respect for me in that way because I don't ever get angry with people or stand up for myself. In most situations I feel like I'm always wrong. I really hope this makes sense. Whenever I do try to say something assertive or when I try to give people the same attitude they give me, I get so anxious and I feel really panicky. I'm 20 years old now and I feel like I shouldnt have this problem anymore. But yeah.. that's all I had to say really.