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Found 39 results

  1. I am so lost and can't seem to be okay. Long story short... At the beginning of the year, I lost my mother on my birthday. I have been numb to it on and off. I just try to shut it out of my head. My boyfriend tried to be here for me but with my depression becoming worse, he didn't know how to. He helped me get signed up for a therapist and see a doctor. I haven't started therapy yet and I really need to cuz I feel like I'm losing it... Then a month ago, a tornado took out my boyfriends house. Nothing could be saved. I tried to gather as many donations I could get to help him out. I'm trying to be here for him and his family but he is constantly shutting me out. He has started being really mean towards me.. it is now to the point where he won't answer the phone or any texts.. When I do see him, he is never in a good mood and tells me how annoying I am when I am in a bubbly happy mood. I've noticed even towards his mom he is in a bad mood. He has quit his job and barely leaves his hotel room. He has fallen into a depression, which is completely understandable. Today, he finally answered the phone and he didn't have anything nice to say. He told me I needed to be free of him and walk away. He feels nothing is going to get better and he doesn't want to continually drag me down with him. This really hurts me because I love him so deep. I can't imagine life without him. He used to say we were soulmates and now he won't even look at me. He's the only person I have since my mom has passed. I literally feel like I can't take anymore. I just want to be okay... I don't know what to do, I'm so lost and hurt. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. How can I support him? How can this relationship be turned around?
  2. It took a little digging to find the new site. I have missed it! I'm sorry this is so long, and I hope I have posted it in the right place. But I would really like some advice or kind words. I feel overwhelmed and I'm not sure what to do. My BF (of 2 1/2 years) and I went camping with his family this weekend, which was stressful and our part was organized by me alone. That's a whole other ball of wax, but my bf's mother informed us that his dad's brother and wife were going to be in town this coming weekend, from Texas (we are in California). My bf hasn't seen them in probably ten years. On top of that, since they are coming, his other Aunt is coming, and they are celebrating his only grandma's 79th birthday, and we are both expected to be there. A bit last minute. We had been planning to help MY parents install their new flooring this weekend for 2 months. But I can't, and won't, insist that my BF not see his family because we have to help mine install flooring, even if it is last inconveniently last minute. So I called my dad up as soon as I got home, as I needed to wish them a happy anniversary and ask if we can install the flooring the following weekend. Well, my dad got very irritated. I told him that I wasn't happy about it either, and I'm not, but I can't really do anything about it. My BF is the more valuable one as far as knowing how to install that flooring, but honestly we just installed it in our new place, and that's the only reason we know anything. And, by the way, we did that without any help from them, since they were on a long vacation. So he gets all stony and cold, so I ask to talk to his wife (we get a long very very well), and inform her of what is going on and she was equally irritated with me. She said it just seemed like his family interrupted their plans a lot. Their plans? I can think of 1 or 2 times in 2 1/2 years. Mine? yeah, a lot. But my parents have ruined our plans as well and we've rescheduled or missed things with my bf's side too. I get handed back to my dad, where he asks me what day it is, then I remember I was going to wish them a happy anniversary, and all I got back was, "did you tell ____(his wife) that?" And I said no, but explained that I mean to, I just got side tracked with that conversation and all the billion other things going on (Tagged her in a Facebook post after, with a photo I had taken at the wedding and wished them a Happy Anniversary again, got "thanks"). I called them like 20 minutes after I parked my car in the driveway. We can't do the floors the following weekend because it's his wife's granddaughter's birthday and they are driving over to visit them. Then my dad, all mad, says that he guesses he just won't go. Or maybe he'll just do the floors himself. blah blah blah. And I try explaining its hard to make things work, and schedule things between the two families. He always acts like I have absolute control over everything that happens. Then get's mad at me when I don't make things go his way. His wife's kids are never there to help with anything. Just earlier this year we went over two weekends in a row to help him put up a new fence. He always gets grouchy and rude during these projects too. I texted my BF after that and told him my dad wasn't happy with me, and he said that he could just install the flooring himself then. Which didn't help. I'm just feeling pressure from all sides to appease everybody, and also the pressure on myself to do what I think is the right thing. I told him that I'd try to nail down exactly what is happening with the bf's family and I'd call him back today. But honestly, my only option is to just drive the 2 hours over there by myself this weekend and try to be as helpful as I can. And also deal with his bad attitude during the install. But now I'm just angry. I don't want to help him now. I generally have a good relationship with my father, and his wife..but I'm just mad. I'm mad that they apparently gave no thought to everything I have going on, they don't listen when I try to talk about my issues with stress and anxiety, he just gets mad when I'm not at his beck and call, and when we go help him with something he always ends up being very rude during the project. And I also think its wrong that they would want my BF to ignore his whole family to go help them with FLOORS, or at least wrong that they are putting so much pressure on me to somehow make that happen. Hell, last Thanksgiving, when they wanted me to come over and I told him that my BF and I needed to go to his parent's because his brother who is in the military would be home for it, a rare occurrence, my dad got so mad at me. Said we had spent last thanksgiving with them, when we didn't, we were alone for it because both sets of our parents were out of town visiting other family members. Mine were only a few hours away visiting one of his wife's kids, but its not like I was even invited anyway. Then we went and did Christmas with them and stayed for 5 DAYS. I would understand the frustration if I never called, or visited, or helped when they asked, but I DO. All the time. Even when it is inconvenient for me. Any advice in dealing with this? I want to call him up and chew him out, or at least say that I won't be coming at all and I'm disappointed in his behavior. I realize I can't please everyone all the time..but no one else seems to be realizing this. I hate last minute changes myself. I don't want any of this to be happening. I feel overwhelmed with my family, my BF's family, seeing my BF have such a hard time with his family, helping him, with school, with work, my anxiety and depression. I had a meltdown last night...I'm in college right now getting my BA. My dad has been helping me out by having me on his cell plan and paying for my car insurance, he also helped me pay for a car repair I couldn't afford last year, and, this car being my first, he helped me get that too and its in his name. I feel like maybe that is part of the reason I'm in the beck and call position, but I know that part of it is that it is just his personality and I'm his only child. I'm not ungrateful. I help him all the time. I call just to say hi and ask how they are doing. I'm always trying to be helpful. I'm repeating myself. Please, any advice would be very much appreciated. I want to throw my hands up in the air, chew him out, and ask my BF to help me maybe buy the car from him, and pay the insurance, registration, etc. I also just wish I could be more independent and not owe anybody..but that's why I'm in school, getting A's, and digging myself into debt. HELP.
  3. How to control yourself when you feel irrational anger starting to boil. I have been thinking about quitting my job because at least once a day I seem to go through what I would call an anger attack. A good example is what I did this morning. I do data entry at work. Because I type well it makes sense to me to do it. But this morning I was tired and groggy first thing, and I was making a lot of mistakes. I guess I thought all you have to do is recognize when ego is stepping in but I still miss it. "I type 70+ words a minute with 90+% accuracy ON A BAD DAY, WTF is WRONG WITH ME???" and it went on from there to the point I was in the bathroom, not just splashing water on my face, but slapping myself demanding myself to wake up then slammed the door on the way out. How f'king stupid is that??? I was angry enough you'd think someone mugged me before arriving at work today... I am getting mad at myself too for things that turn out to not be the way I thought they were too which makes me scared about delusional thinking. It has to stop and I don't know how. I'm on depakote for bipolar and seemed to help a little at first but it's not working as well after a few months of being on it. I'm going to ask for a different med and maybe another diagnosis lol. Before I was angry I was more depressed. But now it's just turned to hate. I don't want to be the person I may be becoming...
  4. I cannot sleep nor stand nor purge And it's just too much to avoid this urge For once we really had it all However, now gone, as is our merge Feeling blinding waking light As though I've yet to start the fight It's raged for many a sullen fall And yet it starts again tonight Who the hell needs a bed this size and who the hell needs such wet eyes I swear if I could rise that tall I'd willingly heed my own demise It must be lonely there upon support Strength and roots, a veritable fort Loving memories hung on the wall I have nothing but retort I'll leave it be, accept my fate Though disposition dictates hate And though I'll probably drop the ball I'll just sit here and wait
  5. I keep feeling so all over the place. And I think it's my illness. It's so hard. I think I might be depressed or getting depressed again. My emotions are all over the place and one moment I feel fine the next I'm not. And sometimes have thoughts of banging my head against a wall again. And I try to get up again and be positive but it's hard and I'm stuck in the house. And those who used to be close aren't there anymore. Sometimes I feel fine emotionally but then I can go anxious and feel uncomfortable for ages and worry about everything. The last few months I keep wondering if I'm heading for a nervous breakdown. I'm not sure I think I came close a couple weeks ago but I'm just a little bit better. But I'm very backwards and forwards. But the forward times feel like they're getting less.
  6. Hi All, I am utterly depressed with everything around me.i would like to disclose that i am a 26 year old virgin woman and i dated twice in my life,none of which materialized into a true relationship. At first, i feel like i have found the one, when the guy sweeps me off my feet, but it slowly dies down.i am not sure if its just me ,but is it so hard to find a true love/relationship these days.Everything online points to shaking it off and living in the now and dating randomly and not being so serious about stuff,because when it happens it happens.But i am somehow old fashioned and i am a bit saddened by the reality. I need help or some sort of consolation to go by ,because i know this is just a phase.i am honestly tired of waiting for a miracle to happen.i am fairly busy in life with work but i need to find love which i rarely do unfortunately. Thanks
  7. Right now I'm in a position in my life where I'm in Missouri going through school. I'm from Arizona. I have a daughter in az she's been spotted by a wonderful family she's only 2 almost 3. I've been having anxiety attacks over schooling not working out right. My parents are now splitting up Now. Along with a very strained relationship. I'm just so stressed out. Sometimes I just want someone to be there for me like I am for them.
  8. All my friends seem to be turning on me, they all bitch behind my back on facebook calling me pathetic, fat bitch and depressing idiot...they were my best mates but each day is getting harder and harder and they just seem to be bitching more and more about me everyday...i can only trust my boyfriend t the moment but i dont want to seem that im just reliying on him all the time, i just dont know what to do anymore please help x
  9. I'm a fairly young guy living in a big city. The last time I dated anyone was 2.5 years ago. I've been painfully alone since and always hear the "how are you still single??" question. She had just come out of a relationship, I was vulnerable and a sucker for a pretty face. When the inevitable "I don't feel the same" conversation came I was heart-broken. But I should have known better.. For months I fell into a deep depression. I know I hit bottom when I become suicidal. In the years to follow I gathered numerous friends at work. In my industry there are primarily young women. During a night out with my colleagues, one of these women, a tall beautiful half-italian half-german, 20 something-year old who clearly spends lots of time in the gym and sports curly hair and stalletos, says to me "I like you. Everyone likes you. But you seem like you have a secret.." I became well liked at my last job. Extremely popular. But she was right. What I was hiding was the fact that I was severely depressed. On and off for the better part of my life. I hid it very, very, very well at work. How do you tell someone something like this? It's difficult enough to admit it to yourself. I found that all the intimacy, and love and tenderness I was lacking in my personal life, I let out in my professional life. I would plan happy hours, talked to everyone like they were the most important person in the room, and treated every girl I met as if I had a huge crush on them (which I did for the most part). This led to a lot of popularity. But I couldnt run from the truth. And truth is that I was and am painfully, terrifyingly lonely and sad. I switched jobs. I got an offer I really could not refuse. In the last few months of my previous job I hooked up with that stalleto-sporting, gym-going, curly-haird twenty something I mentioned earlier. We had been friends for sometime but things escalated one night. As you would imagine this girl has many eyes on her. We hooked up 3 times over the period of 4 or 5 months. The last of which was two weeks ago. There is something I should mention. One my triggers for falling into a deep depression is women. Especially finding women to be not interested in me. It's not the only thing but it plays a big part of severe downward spirals for me. And also explains why I simply don't go near them. To the point where I've been asked "are you gay?" ... no, I am not. But the truth of the matter is a scary one. So I see this beautiful young lady about two weeks ago. The next day we text back and forth as normal people would. The week was met with silence. I see her again at a bar later in the week. We dance the night away together and I see her off to a cab. Something changed after that. Apparently she had made plans that sunday, the same day we were going to hang out. I invite her out Sat for a mutuals friends holiday party, and she declines "going to the office and then the gym" she replies. Something felt off after that... I didnt hear from her the entire week. But something inside me cracked. And I don't think it's completely related to the breakdown in communication with this girl. I spent sunday curled up in a ball crying. I have anti-depressants that I take in a fairly low dose and popped three of them. Still filled with excrutiating pain I took a xanax and finally knocked myself out. The work week was terrible. I can remain calm in front of co-workers, and even excel in my work as I desperately try and distract myself, but every afternoon, when I left my office, the tears would run uncontrollably. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped doing laundry. I stopped shaving. I stopped cleaning anything. I would get home, eat whatever I could find, curl up into a ball on my kitchen floor, and sob and sob and sob. Once I gathered enough energy to take an anti-depressant and a xanax, I would curl up on my couch and cry until I fell asleep....this started last sunday and has continued this entire week through today. I know I need help. Im getting it. The appointment is a month away. I suppose I just needed to share this story with someone. Even if it's just strangers. My sleeping patterns are becoming very strange and I can barely move through out the day without taking xanax ( I realize this is unhealthy) . Something about my off-and-on relationship with this girl opened up a serious can of worms. That's my story. That's my secret. Thanks for reading it.
  10. I've been dealing with anxiety and panic disorder for about 7 years now. Last year I was able to be normal again. Be off the medication and be fine, no panic, no anxiety, just feeling normal. Well something happened and I came back to square one. Except this time I hyperventilate... Bad. It was easy to handle because my job allowed me to work from home, but then I got fired to an unrelated reason. Any mental sufferer knows the difficulties of starting a new job. Before I started this new job I was on two medications, an anti depressant and a benzo. I stopped the anti depressant bexayae I felt that maybe it was making me sick (the hyperventilating) even though this medication (Remeron) I had taken for years. So I stopped it a couple weeks ago. This is my third week at my new job and I feel ashamed that I had to leave early today. Everyday at a random time I will start hyperventilating, but this time I couldn't handle it. I felt nauseas, my skin lost all color due to me feeling faint, and I couldn't stop it. So I made an excuse and left early. I love this job and the people I work with but I felt like my manager had given me an attitude when I asked to leave (I left an hour early). I don't want to be like this anymore. Here I am laying in bed and I can't take it. For once I want to be able to get up and not worry what I will feel like today or what's going to happen to me. Its been years of dealing with this and it only seems to get worse. I am emotionally and physically drained. I've lost so much of my life because of this and now im scared I'd lose my job. I don't know what to do anymore.
  11. So I'm alive, if anyone was wondering and I'm back at my second year of university and I wonder if I should have come back at all. I don't want to be here, it was fine at first. I got to escape the chaos that happened at home when my parents found out about everything and I know they really care. I know they do, they wanted to send me away for a semester before I returned to fix whatever it was that was wrong with me but I refused and now I wished I had gone. So sure, I don't think anything is wrong with me, but what if there is? What if I'm refusing to accept that I need so really serious help. I've been trying so hard to be normal but with "the incident" and my friend troubles I don't think I have the support I actually need. I thought I did, but everyday this weight in my body just gets heavier. I can't focus on my work, and if I can it's because I have unprescribed adderall in my system, and then the next day it's even harder to focus but I can't just waste that medicine, on the bright side adderall always seems to get my mind off all the shite that seems to be going on in my life. Of course, I'm not beaten, I'm sure my friends care about me but I've found myself not being able to connect to them, I don't care about hooking up with boys anymore, not really...especially after "the incident." I'm not seriously into any of my classes, and half of them are so boring or really uncomfortable and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like an ugly duckling in my sorority. I'm the fattest girl in it and yeah I could use to lose a couple pounds but I just seem to be gaining more. I don't have the prettiest face, I'm awkward and once again I don't know how to connect to people. (On a side not I saw a 1st year today that I sat next to randomly in one of my classes and told her a little about me and how I was running a race that weekend and when she saw me today she asked me how it went and was super sweet and it gave me the tiniest bit of hope but that's not enough) I've been super snippy with my friends lately and I don't know what to do. I've thrown myself into watching television and listening to music. I told someone, (my journal) the other day the truth...I used to know how to love myself but now I'm back to square one. I look in the mirror and I see someone who hates herself. I don't blame this all on "the incident" because this summer started making me hate myself again but I think "the incident" plays a pretty important role. I should probably back up to that, I should probably say what happened. But something keeps me from saying it even on the internet even though half of my friends know now. Here is goes, a month ago (almost exactly) I was sexually assaulted. I can tell you in full detail because I remember pretty clearly, but the more i think about it the more I realize it was my fault. it was. All those males who believe it is the female's fault can have a field day over me because it was my fault. I don't like going out anymore. Sure I like drinking still, I have a constant wish to be drunk all the time but I know I can't do that. I don't have fun while out, and when I do...I can't totally remember the night before. You'll be disgusted to know that I've hooked up with another boy since being sexually assaulted, sure it was only kissing and a little fooling around but I feel so dirty all the time that doing that makes me feel nothing else but normal and that's all I want. I wish I had a friend who was really here for me. I don't know, I shouldn't even be posting this. I'm sobbing in the common room and I'm petrified someone is about to walk in, but I know that won't happen, and even if it does I have ways to hide my eyes. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't do this alone, and I saw someone for an hour yesterday (and every monday for hr) but I felt worse after it. I felt like I was just talking about trivial matters that I've already worn out. I have no friends who want to hang out with me all the time, I have to text them to hang out. I have to text them to eat. I am essentially the charity case and it hurts. It hurts. I used to cut and I have had an extreme urge to do so for two weeks now and I haven't done it, but I don't think I can last that much longer. I'm having more thoughts about how easy it is to die and I thought for a moment about stepping in front of a speeding car today, I was so tempted. I don't want to be here right now. I really don't. I want to go home...but I don't want to go home to my parents. I wish I could contract a deathly disease and go on to become one with the soil. That's what I really want and if anyone wants to make me really happy you can do just that. I don't think I have any other options now. If I keep getting help and I have brief periods of convincing myself I've fine (for everyone's sake, mine included) and then hitting rock bottom again and again and repeating the cycle). I don't think it's worth it anymore. I don't know what other options there are. If any..
  12. ...Now I just come to sit in front of the new topic screen and look at the blank text fields. I'm even sick of complaining about how I feel. I feel soulless way too much of the time. I don't even know what to say.
  13. Struggling to make ends meet..again..and hard time maintaining relationships with friends and family(depression i guess). Can't connect to anything. Would be a bad change for me, overall could be happy except for a couple prerequisites are not working right. Don't like to go outside; just sitting here unmotivated...
  14. Have you ever noticed if you're feeling down and out people often try to motivate you to get up and get out? It's not annoying at all, in fact I've appreciated it when it's happened, but I'm just having trouble understanding the logic behind telling someone to go move around that wants to be lazy for a while. Sometimes, I might appreciate hanging out on the couch too much for too long of periods, but frankly there's nothing as satisfying as curling up under a blanket on a chilly day watching comedies knowing full well you're supposed to be doing something else. I'm thinking about reaching a compromise at work. I have very recently decided to try being Jewish(yes as of a few seconds ago). We can do that in the US freedom of religion and all right? It may be a bad start to following through on my decision, but for giving me today off work, I will give up observing the upcoming Sukkot(Feast of Tabernacles) which is a non-work holiday that begins October 9th and doesn't end until October 15th. How does that sound?
  15. A year ago this month a three year relationship I was in ended. She left me for another man but I understand why. For the first year it was great we loved each other did fun things ect.. The last two years though I seemed to become emotionally abusive to her. A few examples are I wouldn't like when she hung out with her guy friends alone, I would often get jealous, I wouldn't threaten to break up with her or take back a promise ring I bought for her, I made her feel like anything she did wasn't good enough. Since this break up I have been going in and out of depression. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what I put her through and I want to change. After the break up I dropped out of two semesters of college because I just couldn't focus on anything. 6 months ago I lost my job of 3.7 years because I was often late due to my depression. Currently I am in school but I am falling behind and I am feeling overwhelmed. This past year I have lost a lot of my friends that I've had since high school. Currently I only have two distant friends left and I am worried I will also lose them as well. I am very antisocial I get nervous when I leave my house or talk to people. I feel like everyone is judging me. I have trouble keeping eye contact or even talking to people because my mind goes blank. So I end up staying in my house during all my free time. I feel so hopeless like these feelings will never go away. I can't focus on anything my mind is just filled with a thick fog. All I do is procrastinate. My therapist gave me vyvanse two weeks ago because when I was younger I was diagnosed with ADHD but all it seems to be doing is making me more depressed and unable to focus. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like nothing will get me out of this place which makes me think what is the purpose of living a life where I just hurt the ones I love and feel all these negative feelings everyday. All I want is to be happy and become someone if life with a family that I could love.
  16. So in light of Robin Williams's recent death from suicide, a friend of mine said this: "When someone dies of cancer, we blame cancer for the person's death. Depression's also a disease. Don't blame the person for losing the fight." Do you guys agree or disagree with that statement?
  17. I don't know what to do anymore. i've changed to another anti-depressant the past two weeks and according to my doctor it gets into my system within 24 hours and since I've started this medicine I've had some extreme highs and lows. I find myself calling suicide hotlines, I find myself admitting that I'm ready to end my life and the worst part is when they ask me why I have no reason. I haven't been sleeping either. I'm waking up early or I can't get to bed. I'm so unsatisfied with what is going on. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. I have no friends who understand, the people I would either won't talk to me or are hundreds of thousands miles away from me. No one is here for me to talk to. I can't talk to my parents don't even try to say I have trust in them. I feel constantly like I'm choking, like something is stuck in the back of my throat and I just need to clear my airway and let go. Just let go of it all. Like I'm drowning and no one is helping me up but it's worse because I'm so ready to just end it all and I've been trying everything to make me feel better. I've been forcing my old habits (that I loved sooo much!) back onto me, to make myself do it, to remember the joy I could feel. To let whatever is inside me go. But now I find myself talking to people that aren't real. I find myself wishing to be gone, to be invisible, to kill myself but I can't do it yet, because maybe there is something I haven't tried. I feel lonely. Oh so lonely. I've been trying to fill that hole. I don't mind being alone, but it's the feeling of loneliness that gets me every time. Attention from boys make me feel nice because just as every girl I'm insecure but not like everyone I have terrible anxiety and I always feel paranoid in which case I start to drink more because I would rather be mellowed out than petrified someone is looking for me, someone is trying to break into the house, someone is watching me. I don't know what to do.
  18. Hello, Back in January I began having ECT treatments for depression. For those of you who are unfamiliar with it, ECT is a treatment in which a doctor puts you to sleep, places electrodes on your head and essentially shocks your brain in order to induce a seizure. The treatment is thought to "reset" a part of the brain involved with depression. The treatment worked for a few weeks, and I felt much better emotionally. However, I began to notice that I was doing everything much more slowly and in a very detached way, as if I was constantly "spacing out". I had become emotionally very numb, even toward my family. I had lost the ability to genuinely laugh. I also lost a significant amount of social skills, such as the ability to tell which way someone intends to walk and divert your path so you don't get in their way. I also began to feel very uncomfortable with eye contact, and I have a lot of trouble understanding even the simplest instructions. My depressive symptoms returned soon after, and I was put on Fetzima and Remeron. My dose of Adderall was also increased, but the "spacey-ness" and detachment never let up. I quit taking both the Fetzima and the Remeron 5 weeks ago, hoping that it would help lift the fog. It has not. Luckily, however, my depressive symptoms have remained under control. Could anyone shed some light on what may be causing this, or what steps i may be able to take to fix it? I take Adderall 40mg in the morning, which helps me to wake up, but has no bearing me socially, mentally or emotionally. I'd appreciate any feedback anyone might have
  19. So, I've hit a very low point in my life. For the first time ever I am considering that I may have depression or some form of bipolar disorder. I called a local doctor on Friday to make an appointment so don't worry about anything. Granted things aren't perfect in my life, but mostly my life is running smoothly yet I still battle with alot of anger and sadness. It feels like no one cares as much as I do about keeping friendships, or being successful at work. Its really the small things that get me, like why must I always be the first to text people, or that I'm constantly checking that people who are having a rough time are alright without being asked the same. I recently found God and for awhile it really helped, and still in a sense does but even sometimes that brings me down. Our message this week for example was about how even though Peter failed Jesus in multiple occasions he was still loved. This will sound a little conceited but for most of my life I thought I was a better person than most others. I know that's not true, but because of the higher standard I've set for myself, when i do fall short, even if it is something minor it hits me hard. Or that as nice as people think i am, and how i act or talk, my thoughts often scare me. Well that's all i feel like saying for now. If anyone else feels like this i hope it helps you see that your not alone.
  20. so I've been sleeping like 18 or more hours and I have depression I'm really really scared that im going to died somebody please help
  21. I have always been a firm believer in the fact that mental health is just as serious as physical health. It affects people in different ways but it is just as important and should be treated as such. It's not easy for me to open up as a person. I can easily say that I am an introvert. I'm not reclusive: I do have friends. Rather, I am at my most peaceful when I am alone. So, it is not easy for me to talk about myself and my problems. I think that I am able to write this now because I am not in a room full of people but instead simply looking at a computer screen. I have severe depression as well as social anxiety. You would not notice this if you passed me walking down the street. You wouldn't notice this if you were even a friend of mine. It even took my family several months to finally figure out something was seriously wrong. I am very good at hiding emotions. I am also very good at telling people what they want to hear. I don't like to admit that I have depression because I don't feel as though I should have it. I come from a rooted and happy family. I have been very blessed in my life, so why should I be so unhappy with it? I know that depression is considered as a chemical imbalance in the brain and I truly believe that fact. But believing that still doesn't keep me from feeling as though I shouldn't have depression. There are so many people in this world that are a lot less blessed in life than I am, and yet I am unhappy in my life? It seems a little selfish to me. I think that this was one of the reasons that I hid my feelings from everyone around me. I thought that I should be responsible for everything in my life and shouldn't rely on others. I would have to take care of myself. But as the academic and financial pressures built up, the depression and anxiety began to get worse. A lot worse. And then I attempted suicide. I almost succeeded too. I took over one hundred pain pills. My mother found me in the kitchen, empty bottles around me, a note in my hand. I was rushed to the hospital and thankfully have suffered no long term damage. Society today looks at attempted suicide as something a person does to seek attention. They do it as a cry for help, and to be noticed. To me, there seems to be a stereotype surrounding it. And maybe some have attempted suicide for that reason, and there is nothing wrong with that. I did it because I truly wanted to end my life. I was ready to die. I didn't just write this because I felt like I needed to get it off my chest. That was a big reason. It is time for me to open up and be honest about what happened and own up to what I did. It's time to let others know. And yes, you are all perfect strangers and there is almost no chance that you will ever meet me in real life, but this is a start. It will be a while before I can tell those closest to me about what happened but I do feel as though I have made progress. But the real reason that I am posting this is to ask for a favor. I ask that you don't judge. That in your daily life, if someone should open up and tell you their story, no matter what it is about, that you listen, and you not treat them any differently. The road to recovery is long and hard. It will be long time before I will be okay again and it is going to be a rocky road. But I will recover. I will get trough this. I recently found a tattoo online that has given me inspiration. It is very simple in design but the meaning is much deeper. It is simply a semicolon. This has become the symbol for attempted suicide. A semicolon is placed where a sentence is supposed to end, but it is continued on. Just like my life. My life could have ended right then in that kitchen. But it didn't, and I truly believe there is a reason for that.I just don't know what it is yet. I can't wait to find out. My name is Julie; I am a survivor, not a quitter.
  22. Everyone at school hates me, i hate me...ive self harmed 3 months ago but was clean ever since last week where i became weak again. I need help, i dont know what to do anymore, every night im just laying in bed crying myself to sleep. I want to go back to normal and be happy, can someone please give me advice of how to accept myself for who i am and to stop hating myself?
  23. Hi All, Now what i am going to say might seem bizarre but i have a choice to make between pursuing my MBA in a top ranked program from USA OR Holiday in the Europe whilst keeping my job and staying home. I am really attached to my family .I have a well paying job right now,i live with my folks and i am somewhat contented with my life. Now i got through one of the decent MBA programs in the US.i love to learn and i love the challenges of this program.I also know this program will change my personality(in a good way) but i cant imagine to being unemployed and lonely at the end of it all. Whereas a holiday is finite,i still get to keep my job ,stay home and enjoy seeing new places around the globe with my hard earned money.thats a learning experience in itself. I know that i alone can make this decision but i'd welcome some frank opinions. P.S: i love travelling.
  24. I started medication two weeks ago and at first it was the placebo effect...everyone told me it work and so I tried to believe it but I just felt numb. I didn't feel happy but on the bright side I didn't feel sad at least not like I used to. I just felt this terrible numbing feeling course through my body. It was like my body knew I was going to go awol and I did. Leading up to this. I got help I saw a doctor at school for a little and then I came home and I payed for a doctor behind my parents back until they found out a week before my first appointment. I had a terrible panic attack and almost passed out in front of my parents. They were understanding, kind of. But I've heard what they behind my back, in front of my face and to my ears and I know they don't get what I'm going through. I know they don't because they aren't me and they have truly understood. Sorry anyway, my new doctor let's say his name is Dr. Michaels, he is the best. I really like him because I told him I was scared to use medication and he understood but I also told him I was ready but I didn't want to tell my parents so. No they don't know I'm on medicine. They don't know I take my anti-depressants twice a day but I did tell them he prescribed me xanax, which is the second time I've gotten dosage for it and well I may or may not be addicted. Mostly because I take it (or any other sleeping medicine) to make me pass out before I can try to kill myself. The reason my parents found out is because I was cutting myself in obvious places. I didn't mean to but I was upset and I needed relief. So they eventually saw the slowly healing scars and then I went to the new psychiatrist ect. I didn't cut for a while because I was waiting to feel better I was waiting for it and I was trying so hard to feel happy but I wasn't feeling happy and I couldn't feel sad instead I was restless and angry and trying to find a way to feel something real so I began cutting again and I didn't feel anything not at first but recently I have cut the deepest I have ever and I began to laugh and I felt so so so happy. I didn't stop laughing for around 10 minutes. Is this bad? What do I do? I can't go to my parents. I have my next appointment with my psychiatrist in about 5 or 4 days and I don't know what to tell him. I don't want to be the disappointment that I have been all of my life.
  25. I used to come here all the time wow, it looks different! A while ago I decided not to come back, because a few users were demanding my attention, yet I could not look after myself (let alone help somebody else). I find myself here again today, because I just need to say something, to anyone! I have been depressed for a long time, but very little people know. This is due to my own fears... maybe they'll reject me, maybe they'll assume I'm acting up? - both plausible scenarios, because I have experienced both on a regular basis. My GP let me down recently. I waited for months to see their therapist, because I could no longer afford to pay someone, but they couldn't see me because I work on the days they are available. They are available for two days a week! I can't help but feel like not enough is being done there. I don't know what else to do. Today is one of those days where I feel awful and there is no explanation. The thoughts start happening - bad things from the past, present and what awaits me in the future. Today I'm also feeling a little paranoid for some reason. There was no trigger, this is just the way I am today. I'm fed up of feeling this way and for no reason! The more I think about it, the more frustrated I get and the circle keeps going. I know I should tell people, but I wanted to start the help first, because at least then I could say that I'm doing something about it, but that didn't work out. What do I do? Aside from change GPs... I really don't know. I'm very limited due to finances and the one person who knows about my problems lives far away and has his own life to deal with. I see no way out anymore, I just see this cycle that goes on and on and I see no future for me anymore. I don't know what to do. If you took the time, thanks for reading. Anonymous poster hash: a0796...ed7