Thebigba

My so called life

79 posts in this topic

Well I'm angry now, While there are some helpful people out there in the world, i just don't believe that if they knew me better they wouldn't want anything to do with me. 

 

I just deactivated my facebook account, it is no good to me, I do not need to keep in contact with anyone there and I don't need the negativity from those i care about. They don't trust me, they call me a liar (one of which is something I value about myself is I DO NOT LIE! at least often and if I do I feel guilty and i confess to it anyway). I have been called lazy, lazy because while i lived at one place i did not do their dishes every night. I'm nobody's cinderella, you want a house cleaner buy a maid. I fix things, I'm a handy man you don't need to call a plumber or a painter, or a framer while i'm around. I will do my part by doing dishes to lessen the load but i will not be anyone's personal slave. Does this make me lazy?   F them!

 

Anyway , If I'm going to survive this life without becoming homicidal or suicidal I'll have to just stay away from people. They don't get me, i don't get them. Were just not good for each other. I'm not at all stupid, I can make it in this world just fine I'm the only one who has prevented myself thus far because I put too much care into shit. I'm done with that.

 

Living in a tent out in the woods, where I can breathe, where nature gives me energy i lack sitting in a house wasting away. Where the only sounds one might hear are the water of the creek flowing or the crickets chirping and an occasional deer passing by. Where people seldom trod and peace still exists. What parts of the world that haven't been tainted  by our very existence as we strive ever greater to increase our population and decrease our deaths each year. I'll stay out where I belong away from people , so that i might be able to sleep one good night without the cries of someones baby, or some high volumed rap music, or people yelling, or gunshots, or sirens,. And I wont have to worry about offending someone who talks shet about me on facebook but then want's to kick me out if i call them out on it. I definitely wont have to hear them talk from above about locking the doors when they leave or turning the internet off so that i cant use it while they are gone. Well I can get free internet from mcdonalds dumb ass, and if i wanted in your house no locked door or window would keep me from it. The simple fact is I just want to be away from all this.so i wouldn't go in their house and I don't give a flip flying f**** if i dont have electricity. 

 

so you see it's probably better for everyone if im just not around.

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Good news about the face book, Internet is a difficult medium and things tend to spiral out of control easily. 

 

Getting the right balance in relationships is tricky, For me I have had to learn how to minimize the impact of 'sick' relationships that I can not avoid. For the most part separation is how I deal with much of that kind of stuff but that is not always possible.

 

Also though I do need some level of contact. I think the most important thing for me has been learning how to conduct myself at AA and at work as they are the two things that I need, and can not afford to alienate myself from.

 

The big advantage of work is that there are rules others should play by and certainly there was a lot I needed to learn in order to not back myself into a corner I could not get out of. At AA though I have enough rope to hang myself socially with so I have had to learn how to deal with the resentments I have accumulated over the years so that I can still continue to go. I can not do a good stomp off (sadly) 

 

I hope it works out for you, although this is going to be painful to hear I feel I have to say it,... taking something from all of this mess that you have learned about yourself and how you have contributed to all of this will be important for growth. And I do not mean being mean or down on yourself, I mean constructively and accurately picking apart your role in things. 

 

Also realizing that you may need some help (advice) in order to achieve the above and get a different result next time is crucial. I think you need a life mentor or something similar. I know I did and I would not be where I am today with out that help.

 

There maybe no one in your life right now that can help you but you could always try coda, or church for that type of thing. 

 

I say that with as much gentleness as the internet permits, 

 

 

 

 

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Those that i love do not show it back those that i care about if they do care at all it doesnt seem like they would go to the same lengths i would for them. If noone else thinks im worth anything, why should i think any better of myself? Whatever talents i have whatever skills i possess they are wasted on me. let me just leave this god awful existence and make room for someone more useful.

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Hey! Thebigba. If you can only know, how much you are thought of. I know that might not mean much to you, but really - everytime I see this post coming up, my first reaction is to check if it is you or someone else responding. Glad to see you still hanging in even if it seems against all odds. So much to be admired about you. Most of the people is offline now I think, sleeping, but I'm sure they will all be here soon enough to confirm.

Please do tell, what is up - what is happening to you?

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I Can't quite remember when it started. It's only been part of me forever or so it seems. I feel an emptiness,or not so much feel as have become the emptiness. I find myself no longer feeling,caring. I see the world and all it's people and somehow they get along with their lives and they smile. My smile is fake and I know not what happiness is other than by definition. I have learned over many years how to hide who i am, the fake person is more accepted by society eve if shunned for being somewhat odd.I don't know how to have a conversation with people,I don't know what to say and am never interested in what everyone else is. I could care less for  sports,all i see is overpaid humans being praised for playing games, same goes for actors, musicians, and various others whose work consists less of manual labor and the helping of people. Those that work their fingers to the bones get no praise and die poor. What do i know of a vacation? I worked in various hard trades including framing,landscaping,roofing,concrete,asphault, masonry,painting,drywall. I have cooked peoples meals and dealt with their criticisms, and demands, some mostly not thankful that i provided them a service that yes they paid for but also allowed them a break in their every day life where cooking may have been required. Pitiful humans. I've worked on the fuel cells of c 130's , I've built pallets,I unloaded and reloaded and restacked boxes of food onto pallets and into and out of trucks. I've planted, cut and spudded, hanged and cured then stripped tobacco. I have bailed and gathered hay.I have been a mechanic for auto mobiles,I have mowed people yards and cemetary's, i have dug graves. I have picked beans by the bucket. I have been a life guard and saved lives. I have worked in a court house  as a filing assistant. 

 

The only vacation I know of to speak about is that I no longer have the energy to do anything. I have nothing for all that i have done, I have nothing of my own to show for it. 

 

Some People , however, have done much less and reap the benefits of never having to worry about where they will lay their heads, never having to worry about how they will eat the next few weeks or if they will be able to keep the water on for another month. 

 

I used to think like this and about this every day. Now I don't care.. let the world run such as it does. who can stop  such things as what occur's today anyway? 

 

So , while people go about their day's finding reason's to be happy and to smile. I know no such thing has existed and will exist for me. There is no self help manual designed to fill a soul less body with a soul. I am emptiness and it hows in everything around me. The people i live around start to show the same actions or lack there of. I am like a plague to them. They lose their desire to do anything. I have seen this happen too many times to count. and I know its better for me to just not be around anyone. 

 

This may be the last time you see me here.

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So wish I can just grab you and shake you into understanding ;) that you are most definitely not alone in how you perceive things. Also not alone in how you are feeling. Wish I could just put a roof over your head, and food in your stomach and allow you to rest out for a while. Your deal is so rough, there is no denying that. All I can say is, I've been there. Maybe not altogether, the way you have it, but been there none the less. Can't and will not tell you that your conclusions about people and the world in general is incorrect. Seems to me you have it pretty spot on in that regard. All I know is, it takes time. Wish you can find a spot just to bunker down a bit. Away from all the hustle and bustle, for you to become quiet inside. Thing to realize is you cannot change the people, you can only change yourself. Me for one think that you have a wealth of potential, but you are still measuring yourself by the same standards as the people you have come to realize are spending their lives with no real meaning. Giving up? Yes it is an option, but not even so deep down you know this is not the right course of action, that is why you feel, you should hang on even when it is so tough. I cannot even tell you it will get better, because the truth is I do not really know. All I can tell you is that for me it eventually did. I'm still picking up the pieces, but every day I'm getting stronger. And I know too that I'm not the only one in this. There are others that also went through this process to realize the way we live our lives at the moment is not worth it. At the end of the day it is a challenge to us, to change it. Most important thing for you at the moment and I realize you are dog tired, but if you can, get yourself to a place where you can just take it easy for a while. I know you feel some sense of pride and that you don't want to take someone elses place that might need it more in your mind. But your main focus now is self preservation, till you can build up enough energy to carry on. I've been watching you from your very first post and I am still rooting for you. Want you to make it, get through this terrible stage and then use that eventually to help others (because there are and will be others) that goes through this.

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I Can't quite remember when it started. It's only been part of me forever or so it seems. I feel an emptiness,or not so much feel as have become the emptiness. I find myself no longer feeling,caring. I see the world and all it's people and somehow they get along with their lives and they smile. My smile is fake

 

Very well put, and you are not alone in feeling this. I did not have the life skills to relate to people, I had to learn them. I was an empty shell when I put the booze down, very confused and very worried. 

 

The thing is I have learnt how to be genuine with people and it is harder to do than to fake a smile. Once I had learned to do it (be intimate with people sharing my true thoughts and feelings) and had a group of people around me whom I could do it (you have us I really appreciate your honesty, I am going through some stuff right now and you have reminded me how important it is just to get honest with people) with I did not mind the times I needed to be 'fake' or 'professional' because I had my out let. Interestingly even though I now know this stuff and have experienced the benefit of it I still do not do it a lot of the time, usually only when I am desperate. The important thing is that I know it works so I do not get so desperate as I used to before I had experienced it working.

 

Well done for sharing, for reaching out and for being honest. For what it is worth once again your have earned my respect. I think you would really benefit from finding 'fellowship' with people, a place where you can go and be real and get some feedback with ideas outside of your own thinking. Not sure what fellowship you may belong to but there is one for pretty much any issue nowadays!!

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 and I know not what happiness is other than by definition. 

 

Or would you say a distant memory? When in the treatment center they asked me 'when was the last time I felt joy?' Can we ever know this feeling again. Yes we can!

 

It has required me to do certain things that cause me to live in the moment, not regretting the past (whilst still learning from it) not being worried about the future (spiritual aspect, putting my hope in the life after this one, based not on wishful thinking but on good solid evidence) and sharing my true thoughts and feelings with people (like you have just done)

 

More to follow I am at work about to head home :D

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Those that work their fingers to the bones get no praise and die poor. 

 

The promise from the Bible for working hard is not a lot of riches in this life but a good nights sleep. If you do it, i.e your motivation is, to honor Gods commands then there is the promise of great reward in the next life. If you have done the best you can with minimal grumbling (we all have grumbled!) then you truly have something to look forward to.

 

I want to share with you an example of this spiritual principle. I have struggled with porn, it did not seem to matter how cute my gf was I could not, after any given time in a relationship, resist the urge to please myself. Things did not change until I developed a healthy fear of God and realized my offence was not only against my gf but also against God. So in the same humble tone I want to say to you that whilst your grumbling is understandable I would risk that even if you had a better job you may have found you were much the same (i.e. the job not being the problem, the coveting of other peoples positions being the problem) and that your attitude would not have changed until you had reached the point where you realized it was spiritual principles that need looking at not your C.V. !! 

 

That is an out there comment, not meant to be right but meant to provoke you into thinking along spiritual lines for a solution rather than worldly principles 

 

I read a while back about a guy who had a successful company. He had bought himself a million dollar yacht  Other people in the Marina had ten million dollar yachts. He was not happy with his so he borrowed the money and got himself a bigger one. He ruined his finances and sunk his company and lost everything. (true story)

 

I know having nothing like you do right now is a different ball park, I hope you see I can not know the depth of your pain around all of this as it is your personal experience. I am just trying to put stuff out there so that somehow you may find some peace with it.

 

Some People , however, have done much less and reap the benefits of never having to worry about where they will lay their heads, never having to worry about how they will eat the next few weeks or if they will be able to keep the water on for another month. 

 

And they have their reward in this life, The down side for them is that they are heavily invested in a system that has turned corrupt (heading towards demonic) and has much blood and suffering on its hands. They should find it hard to sleep at night unless they have or are searing their conscience or they are conscientiously giving something back to society. Some do, many do not. And what they give is more important than the giving because if their giving goes to promote further evil then they would have been better off just being plain old greedy.

 

I have more now than I ever have had in my life. For the first time I have something to loose. I do not sleep well at night! Being rich, given the way you are and the experiences you have been through may bring more problems than you realize i.e it would trouble your conscience and cause a conflict of interest inside of you. 

 

My family have just got back. I have more to say but as always big, I go on to much!! Maybe later :D

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This may be the last time you see me here.

 

Maybe so, however make sure you stick around for the show (i.e. life!) 

 

Science makes predictions in order to prove something. They do it all the time, especially when there are multiple hypothesis. I just want to show you two world views and their predictions so you can choose which is more likely to be true

 

Science predicts through evolution that we are on an upward curve., things naturally head for the more complex and improve over time (a violation of the law of entropy but never mind). We are maturing as a species and getting better. We will evolve into something better and now we have the power we may well be able to direct this evolution. That through our own power we shall improve provided we can let go of our superstition (unless it is sceintism of course) the universe and maybe eternity is ours for the taking. 

 

The Bible predicts that physically (genetically) and morally we are on a downward curve (and stuck as being humans). That confusion is going to reign even to the point where man calls evil good and good evil. That we are heading for a demonic one world government which will allow the anti-Christ to take power. That man 'professing to be wise became fools' and that only supernatural intervention can save us. That with out the moral authority of God in our lives we decline into beasts because man sets the standards of 'good' and enforces the law so the only crime is getting caught or what the man made law says it is (and left to his own devices or lacking authority and incentive man will choose evil). That the world is heading for a big showdown where the wicked will be exposed for what they are and all shall be made known.

 

Now which sounds more like the world we live in? Thus through prediction we can know that the things yet to happen are more likely to happen than in the other prediction. I am sure every generation has people who think they are living in a special time, I think we are. I would not want you to miss the end show having sat patiently through the start of it. 

 

I do not say all that lightly or for good cheer, I have a daughter whom I love very much and the state of the world saddens me but I can not gt away from the feeling that this really is headed in a spiritual direction and it is all really about to kick off. All I can do is look for the love of God and follow direction as best I can. (and I aint very good at that but hey!) 

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I say this knowing you have said you are of faith so under the terms of use I am not preaching to you, but offering up information. (that is for anyone who has not read the whole post)

 

So is it all talk when the Christian says I put my hope, not in this life but in the one to follow. I would say no. That requires evidence though, to just believe it would do nothing other than have me living in a world of wishful thinking. 

 

Now the problem with the evidence we have of a life after this (the gospels and their account of the resurrection of Christ) is we know man is a liar. But when you think about the motive for lying it is either for personal gain (financial or prestige),  group gain or utter insanity. With the gospel disciples though we see no personal gain (nearly all of them were executed for their beliefs, penniless, with the chance to recant and live), no group gain (they had no idea at the time the impact the New Testament would have for all they knew it could have dissolved into nothing after their deaths) and they did not seem insane.

 

This is a really important point as to why we may believe that they were not the usual sort of crooks that we may see in religion (including Christianity) in general. There is an interesting chap called Simon Greenleaf. He wrote the rules of testimony for the American court system (including eye witness accounts) He was a very intelligent (reasoned, evidential and practical) man,  a lawyer, a college lecturer and an atheist and was challenged by his atheist class to use the rules of evidence to pick apart the the gospel accounts. He did so thinking it would be easy. As a result of his effort he handed his life over to Christ. 

 

I say this because there is real hope to be had for a life after this. The evidence for God from the argument from design (fine tuning of the universe, the complexity of biological life) and the testimony of the Bible that he is a personal and righteous God and that all things shall be made good in the end. 

 

http://law2.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/jesus/greenleaf.html

 

Excerpt

The present design, however, is not to enter upon any general examination of the evidences upon any general examination of the evidences of Christianity, but to confine the inquiry to the testimony of the Four Evangelists, bringing their narratives to the tests to which other evidence is subjected in human tribunals. The foundation of our religion is a basis of fact--the fact of the birth, ministry, miracles, death, resurrection by the Evangelists as having actually occurred, within their own personal knowledge. Our religion, then, rests on the credit due to these witnesses. Are they worthy of implicit belief, in the matters which they relate? This is the question, in all human tribunals, in regard to persons testifying before them; and we propose to test the veracity of these witnesses, by the same rules and means which are there employed. The importance of the facts testified, and their relations to the affairs of the soul, and the life to come, can make no difference in the principles or the mode of weighing the evidence. It is still the evidence of matters of fact, capable of being seen and known and related, as well by one man as by another. And if the testimony of the Evangelist, supposing it to be relevant and material to the issue in a question of property or of personal right, between man and man, in a court of justice, ought to be believed and have weight; then, upon the like principles, it ought to receive our entire credit here. But if, on the other hand, we should be justified in rejecting it, if there testified on oath, then, supposing our rules of evidence to be sound, we may be excused if we hesitate elsewhere to give it credence.

 

 

Also this from John Lennox 

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So much here for your to think about and consider. You really do have impartial friends here who care and want to see you progress in life. Please keep that in mind and come back and talk whenever you feel down. 

 

I just have a couple of comments to add...

 

Have you considered the possibility that all this pain and hardship is actually preparing you for something so much bigger than you can think or imagine? You know all it takes is one sudden twist of fate and everything can change for you and catapult you into a far more fortunate dimension that would allow you to operate in your true gifting and beyond anything to do with your past?..... Might seem impossible right now but it really isn't. Can you hold on to that thought?

 

I also noted from your replies, that despite the somewhat negative tone of your original post you actually revealed a strong person who has come a long way and by God's grace survived. This is not the time to give up... its time to gather your inner strength and keep 'marching forth'- do not look behind, just press on against the odds. Your breakthrough may be just round the corner and you just don't know it now.

 

All you need to do right now is just allow this storm to pass and look forward to a brighter day tomorrow.I pray that you persevere with confidence and faith that all will work out in the end and for your best.

 

Keep smiling please  :P

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Have you considered the possibility that all this pain and hardship is actually preparing you for something so much bigger than you can think or imagine? You know all it takes is one sudden twist of fate and everything can change for you and catapult you into a far more fortunate dimension that would allow you to operate in your true gifting and beyond anything to do with your past?..... Might seem impossible right now but it really isn't. Can you hold on to that thought?

 

Actually this thought occurred to me. With all this experience of jobs you have had serving on the front lines as it were, and now with your physical restraints that an admin job (higher up the pay chain eventually, maybe starting as a trainee job pricer or purchaser) may really suite you.

 

I run my own business, with out having worked on the 'front lines' myself I could not have done it. To be effective in administration it really helps to have had the practical experience. It does require acknowledging your new priorities of achieving the goals of making the company a success (profitable) from your new position rather than your old but I would give it some serious consideration when looking for your next job. 

 

You certainly have the mental capacity for it and the shop floor experience. 

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So today I had to move my tent after a few items of mine were stolen and then the police were called on me. I am feeling the only real feeling that i am able to and i'll be honest someone will be hurt over this.I don't particularly care who or even if they were involved.People need to realize that it is entirely not safe to take things which don't belong to you. Who has the balls to steal from a man living in the woods behind a cemetary. What goes through a persons thought process when they see such a thing and decide to disturb it. How could they not consider the consequences. What makes them think the person living there would not retalliate in some way or that the person was sane? I am karma.

 

And is it any wonder I am the way I am? What kindness other than fake words have been bestowed upon me by  people? I hate humanity ,i hate those fake people in your life that lie to you and i know I can never trust anyone for the same people I befriend and help  only look for more ways to stab me in the back. I think it's time to start stabbing back.

 

Please spare me the religious quotes , I am in no self help group nor do I desire to be in one, I don't specifically care  about your ordeals as they don't quite associate to mine and or of no use  or help. That's not to say I don't sympathize when you discuss them It just seems that you think they will be of some help to me and they purely are not. besides I do not think I have a problem so to speak I think most of the world is the problem and I'm just one man , beaten and lied to, stolen from and shot down at every turn.

 

Yet when I start correcting the problem the world will see me as a monster. That's ok perhaps I am.

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so whats you're all's advice for homicidal and suicidal thought's without religious,group therapy, or past situation answers cause i really hate people right now and soon things are going to get nasty in both my behavior and other peoples lives.  This has been building for a number of years now and most of the time I have considered suicide as a way to protect innocent people from another part of me who wants to do them harm. I am aware of the changes in my thoughts but have no control over them. At times I hate the world and at other times I do not. At times I want nothing but to hurt people who may or may not be innocent, but who am I kidding noone is innocent and everyone deserves whatever  karma is thrown at them so If they get hurt in my wrath ...know that.

 

But that isn't what every part of me feels,i've never been on medicine, because i don't need it, I may need it  for an imbalance of genes, but that's not true because we are who we were made to be. so what do you geniuses advise? i would appreciate your input.

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 so whats you're all's advice for homicidal and suicidal thought's without religious,group therapy, or past situation answers cause i really hate people right now and soon things are going to get nasty in both my behavior and other peoples lives.  This has been building for a number of years now and most of the time I have considered suicide as a way to protect innocent people from another part of me who wants to do them harm. I am aware of the changes in my thoughts but have no control over them. At times I hate the world and at other times I do not. At times I want nothing but to hurt people who may or may not be innocent, but who am I kidding noone is innocent and everyone deserves whatever  karma is thrown at them so If they get hurt in my wrath ...know that.

 

But that isn't what every part of me feels,i've never been on medicine, because i don't need it, I may need it  for an imbalance of genes, but that's not true because we are who we were made to be. so what do you geniuses advise? i would appreciate your input.

 

 

DO NOT OFF YOURSELF.  Help is on the way.  Just have to trust.

 

This is what I would advise:  Stop hating people.  But that will take a miracle after all you've been through.  Heck, it takes a miracle for everyone, regardless of what we've been through.   And after all you've been through, you're not open to "spiritual" mumbo jumbo.  Yes, I know, you keep saying that you weren't molested by your father, but the fact of the matter is -- when our fathers neglect us and beat us and lay their hands on us and yell at us to empty themselves of their pent up anger -- that's akin to them blowing their wad on us, in my opinion it's the exact same thing.  Can you see it?  I know it sounds gross, but that's how I see it.  And it wasn't me who came up with that -- it was an elderly man who told me that when I told him that I too had been abused but I assured him I had never been molested.  He said to me, "Nope, same thing,..." and then he went to explain to me just what I described to you.   

 

Anyway, you wanted some input and so I'm gonna put this out there and maybe you can relate and maybe you can't, but it's here if you want it, and I hope that it gives you a little insight.  It's not a roof over your head, but it's all I can give you.  I will pray for you though.  I know it sounds trite, but that's the truth.  Doesn't make me anyone special or better than you...

 

You have a time on your hands, so spend a few minutes watching and listening, when you feel like it.  No hurry.  Here you go:  (You may need to rewind it to start from the beginning.)

 

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Sorry ba, went to bed.

 

There are two ways I have been taught to deal with my anger. 

 

One. Forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because the anger is hurting me not them. It is like a poison. Most people are just a mess of their own issues and it is rarely personal.

 

Two. confront them and tell them how their behavior made you feel, whilst owning any part I had in the situation. (this is more for on going relationships)

 

Thats all I got with out going on.

 

Hey, I am sorry I go on a bit, in part it is because I am not sure what to say at times but throwing a load of stuff out there may provoke something in you that leads you to a solution, even if it was not what I suggested. That is kind of how it works for me at AA

 

I am glad you had the honesty to tell me that you dont want to hear a load of ideals at the moment, I would rather hear that than nothing. 

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@ that girl   the video two minutes into it ( which is as far as I could stand to make myself go) I wanted to strangle the speaker if only to shut him up.Fortunate for him we were nowhere near each other, and he is likely long since dead and i can merely press that pause button and forget it.

 

@noonelikesaknowitall It is not anger i have now, it is a white hot coal in all parts of my body. I am not merely angry I am burning with hate till my skins is hot to the touch. According to That girls video  I am hate. Hate suits me. Why would I want to change this demeanor.

People normally don't listen when I talk but they stand at their tallest damn attention when I yell. My muscles fill with strength I normally do not seem to possess and I feel like letting this demon(so to speak)loose upon those whom I deem deserve it's reckoning. And thanks for keeping it short and to the point.

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be a hobo and hitch a ride on some trains.

it'll change ur life. save up coin n' buy a flight to Hawaii,

its a Bums Paradise.

Sing some songs about your tent days while at it.

live plenty on the streets, so you should know ur not the only one.

some found gratitude, some went the other way. while some found their home.

or.. what not.

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@ that girl   the video two minutes into it ( which is as far as I could stand to make myself go) I wanted to strangle the speaker if only to shut him up.Fortunate for him we were nowhere near each other, and he is likely long since dead and i can merely press that pause button and forget it.

 

@noonelikesaknowitall It is not anger i have now, it is a white hot coal in all parts of my body. I am not merely angry I am burning with hate till my skins is hot to the touch. According to That girls video  I am hate. Hate suits me. Why would I want to change this demeanor.

People normally don't listen when I talk but they stand at their tallest damn attention when I yell. My muscles fill with strength I normally do not seem to possess and I feel like letting this demon(so to speak)loose upon those whom I deem deserve it's reckoning. And thanks for keeping it short and to the point.

 

 

What he said was:  you b-e-c-o-m-e WHAT you respond to; or, you are WHAT you hate.  You definitely have a demon inside you.   But you're not interested.   Most can't stand this guy.  They HATE him.  But they always come back and listen later. Without fail

 

You are not hate, but you wouldn't bother to listen to 26-29 minutes as if you haven't spent that much time, times ten spouting off MAKING NO SENSE.  I can see you have a demon who got inside you because of your hate.  And demons NEVER make sense.

 

I was considering whether I should ask if I could send you a little money, but that would hurt your pride.  I will do as I said and pray for you.  If you kill yourself that's your business; I won't miss you; I don't even know you. We obviously could get the authorities involved.  You're obviously crying out for help whether it's real or fake.  You love shocking people with your words and talking about making others the target of your "wrath."  You don't shock me though.  You bore me to tears.  You're not going to take me down the long dark road you're on and you're dragging everyone else on here.  You have no money but you have an internet connection and a decent haircut, assuming that picture is up to date?  Demons are liars, so it wouldn't surprise me if you weren't putting us all on.  You're going to do whatever you're going to do with all your hate and nobody can stop you.  

 

Goodbye.  

 

p.s.  I'm reporting your last reply to the moderators.

Phoenix likes this

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@That Girl - I am in full agreement with you. 

 

He's gotta be trolling no-one comes here for help and acts pitiful one minute (to get attention!) then all arrogant and superior as soon as people try to help. The very least he could have done is ignored us all.

 

@Thebigba- you argue, patronize and reject everything proposed to you. You don't want understanding, you don't want sympathy, you don't want advice, you don't want to listen AND you even say, " I don't think I have a problem" - so why are you really here?

 

"People normally don't listen when I talk but they stand at their tallest damn attention when I yell"- oh yeah... you thrive on that don't you Mr. Thebigba?

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Your latest response are inaccurate at best  please do report my comments the latest of is still there as if it breaks the terms of this site service.  If i were merely some troll looking for  fun why would  i be so dedicated to  only my own thread pertaining to my life and feeling and depression.   

 

In any case i don't mind criticism. you guys are just way off track at this point. I am disturbed and one must be blind not to see this in current posts. 

 

I don't want anything from you except the advice i have asked for, here in kentucky there is a care center where homeless may take a shower , get a meal and yes they give hair cuts, no that picture on facebook is not recent But yes i keep my hair near that length. The public library, starbucks, mcdonalds all keep a internet connection.Which gives a homeless person with a means of accessing the internet free service. Perhaps you just did not think of these things while you were plotting to call me a fraud.

 

and oh yes after  20+ years of getting cut off in a conversation, or being asked to repeat something umpteen million times until i just stop associating with people. then when they all shut the F up and pay attention when i yell feels alot better. even if it does scare the hell out of them I really don't care about that.

 

I did not come here looking for any pity or handouts, I came looking for a way to deal with my ever growing problem that of which people like your self may eventually become a target of. I don't want money and I don't need nor want what others have. I have what I need to live. But how to cure  my mind of its ailments is what I was seeking. none of the answers I have found here are helping, excuse me for pointing that out. so I prefer if you can no longer add to this discussion progressively then just don't bother posting in it.

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