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Ugly and useless

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I am ugly as hell and useless. Why does society keep people like me alive? Just taking up space

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I am ugly as hell and useless. Why does society keep people like me alive? Just taking up space

 

You have been receiving subliminal messages through the media and through your education about what is of value and that there are too many people around. Do not buy into it. 

 

Want to talk about it?

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Care to elaborate? What happened? Ugliness is a social construct and therefore subjective. Who made you think or feel you're ugly and how?

What makes you feel useless? No one's ever useless and only a waste of space. That's not even possible. Are you telling me there's no one, not a single soul in your life who cares about you, who would miss you, whose life you impact positively?

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I have a mirror ugly to the core. It holds me back from leading any kind of life. Useless because I can't do the easiest task. Want to die but failed so many times. Wish it would just happen

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I have a mirror ugly to the core. It holds me back from leading any kind of life. Useless because I can't do the easiest task. Want to die but failed so many times. Wish it would just happen

 

Are you the original poster?

 

Different people value different things. Spiritually speaking the value of a person is not in their appearance, not in the amount of money they earn nor in the number of friends they have. It is in their character. We call all work on that. 

 

What is your situation? Share some more

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Ugly as hell not a good wife or mother hate my being! I'm struggling with myself because I lost my job, no insurance, a lot of debt and suffers from depression. I didn't deserve to be married or to have kids because I am useless in taking care of them. Wish to disappear from the earth to give them a chance to live.

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It might seem to you at the moment that your death would be a positive thing for your children, but you are wrong about that. It's the worse thing that could happen to them.

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Yeah it is tough being a parent as well. Really hard work. You need to talk to your husband at least (and maybe a doctor) about how you are feeling or if not him a close friend.

 

Get some ideas (opinions) outside of your own thinking. If there are things that need addressing then you can deal with them. The chances are you are not as bad as you think you are, most parents who care about this type of thing are not the ones to worry about. 

 

Try to remember what it was like as a kid. I did not value material stuff at all as a kid. I doubt your children do. It is not even that good for them to have a lot of 'stuff' Your kids just want a mum who loves them. 

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a lot of debt 

 

Living with in your means is so hard to do but not doing so causes depression and stress. Talk to your husband about what you are going to do as a couple to get this situation resolved. It will lift your out look a lot. 

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I try to put a happy face on because everyone had enough of this from me. I go out to get my son from and to school. Then I sit on my coach and think of ways to disappear. My son is 17 years old and he is showing the same signs that I show. I failed him and I've become a recluse and don't want to be seen in public. I'm a loser because I passed on my bad genes to him.

I know my husband doesn't love me anymore. He just tolerates me. It's like they are living in hell and I'm the devil. My depression is kicking my ass and was on medication of all kinds with no results. If I knew a sure way to do myself in I would do it in a second. But there isn't and I'm tired of living like this . It's been all my life since a child and it is getting worse everyday

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I try to put a happy face on because everyone had enough of this from me. 

You need some where to deal with your 'stuff' and then you will be able to bring something genuinely good to your family. 

 

 I go out to get my son from and to school. Then I sit on my coach and think of ways to disappear. 

Here is part of your problem, all the time I spend sitting on my couch letting my mind screw with me then I am always going to be in a bad way. I have years of experience that tells me this is so. You need to get off the couch and DO the things that will make you feel better, exercise, tidy the house, develop friendships, take up a hobby. 

 

. My son is 17 years old and he is showing the same signs that I show. I failed him and I've become a recluse and don't want to be seen in public. I'm a loser because I passed on my bad genes to him.

You can overcome your troubles and then be an example to him. I have heard of family relationships that have been destroyed by boozing, far worse than yours, that have recovered. Many recovered alcoholics (It seems to be genetic to me)  have been able to help their children because they have got a handle on their own issues. 

 

.I know my husband doesn't love me anymore. He just tolerates me. It's like they are living in hell and I'm the devil.

Three years in an my wife does not even tolerate me. You are not alone. I think that he tolerates you at all means something. It is up to you to want to change, if you can see that your behavior is causing them this much distress the question to me would be 'why don't you want to do something about this?'

 

My depression is kicking my ass and was on medication of all kinds with no results. If I knew a sure way to do myself in I would do it in a second. But there isn't and I'm tired of living like this . It's been all my life since a child and it is getting worse everyday

Speak to your doctor but remember that you need to address the underlying issues and that will require effort and direction and you are unlikely to be able to think of the things that will help on your own if you are already depressed so you need good solid friendships where people are willing to challenge your thinking and attitudes (fellowship) and a program of (new) action

 

Sounds intimidating at first but honestly get into some group therapy, do some light exercise and buy some healthy food. That gives you a starting point. Little bits at a time. Then when feeling better read some spiritual books or go to church or something to help with your hope in life that there is more to this life than what society tells you is of value. 

 

I know how hard this is to do when you are in the middle of it so I do not expect you to just jump of the computer and be all fixed having read this!! I want you to think about this thread when you are feeling wretched and ask your self, now I know what to do to make a difference, why do I not do it? Understanding my part in things has been the key that has enabled me to live a half way normal life, I had to be taught that skill because I was such a basket case. 

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I try to put a happy face on because everyone had enough of this from me. I go out to get my son from and to school. Then I sit on my coach and think of ways to disappear. My son is 17 years old and he is showing the same signs that I show. I failed him and I've become a recluse and don't want to be seen in public. I'm a loser because I passed on my bad genes to him.

I know my husband doesn't love me anymore. He just tolerates me. It's like they are living in hell and I'm the devil. My depression is kicking my ass and was on medication of all kinds with no results. If I knew a sure way to do myself in I would do it in a second. But there isn't and I'm tired of living like this . It's been all my life since a child and it is getting worse everyday

 

Listen to noonelikesaknowitall. He's giving you some good tips there.

 

If you guys are living in hell you are still not the devil. The devil would enjoy it in hell I suppose.You are a victim like everyone else.Your marriage has obviously reached a stage most marriages (the 50% that get divorced plus many more that don't get divorced) reach at some point. You guys have drifted apart. Seriously, it's normal. Don't blame yourself for everything. If you're feeling bad a good husband would be sticking up to you, supporting you. It would never have got this far.

I'm not quite sure what these signs are that your son now shares with you. Ugliness? Depression? Self-loathing?

You feel like a loser because many things didn't turn out the way you had hoped. Your marriage did not bring you eternal bliss - that is normal.

 

You should stop sitting on your couch and contemplating all your mistakes. Of course you can't stop thinking about these things, but try to find some distraction. Do you have any hobbies? Is there anything you enjoy doing?

 

Can you still talk to your husband about your feelings or is it too late for that?

 

Have you ever thought about what caused this life-long depression? Is it your ugliness? Your bad genes? Well, you did find a husband, a man you (once) loved (or still loves) you and found you attractive. Or is it your age that makes you think you have become ugly?

 

Ugly as hell not a good wife or mother hate my being! I'm struggling with myself because I lost my job, no insurance, a lot of debt and suffers from depression. I didn't deserve to be married or to have kids because I am useless in taking care of them. Wish to disappear from the earth to give them a chance to live.

 

You think you failed as a mother, I'm still not sure why you'd think that. Because you passed your genes on to your son? You mean your son is ugly? Or a loser? He's 17, he's now in charge of his own happiness and he'll have chances at his own happiness - every own does! Don't blame yourself for that too. It's too much blame you're putting on yourself.

 

Are you certain know one loves you or cares about you? Teenage kids have a hard time showing their love for their parents. They have to rebel. That'll change. If you screwed up a couple of times chances are he'll forgive you. No one's a perfect parent. You love him, that matters the most, that's what he has to know. I guarantee you he and other people would not only be crushed if you took your own life, but it could destroy their lives for real. It would certainly cause way more damage that anything you're doing now.

 

Many people lose their jobs, once or several times. In fact, it happens to most people during their lifetime. I know that totally crushes your spirit, but it must not let you doubt your self-worth. Do not ever think you didn't deserve to be a mother or wife. You clearly care a lot and love your kid, there's no way you could have been that bad at being a mother, or am I wrong?

 

It's not suprising all these things led to serious depression. One of these things would already be enough for most people. You will not get out of this depression any time soon, I suppose, but you can still fight against it. I can only assume you don't have the money for professional help. I'm not sure but it's very well possible there are some self-help groups that are for free. You really need to get out there and talk to people again. Do you have any friends or family left or have you become a complete recluse? Nothing is more destructive when being depressed than lack of social interaction. I know the feeling of just wanting to stay at home and think about all the things gone wrong in life, but that will break you.

I assume you're looking for a job. I really hope you find one soon. It would hopefully give you some courage and self-esteem again, some social interaction and money. Is there any debt you need to pay off this instant?

 

 

You are caught up in your depression. You know that and you know what happens in a depression. Everyhting in your life suddenly becomes bad and dark, you can't see any silver lining any more. Perhaps you're not exactly attractive in the eyes of most people, but it's the depression that makes you believe that you're really soo ugly. But it's a deperession, a medical condition, something you're familiar with. Therefore you should know that the way you're seeing things now is most likely not how things really are. You can only see the worst now and it seems like things can never get better, that you would never be given a second chance. But those are the symptoms of a depression. It's your mind that makes you believe all these things, right? You cannot change that. What you can change is believing that all these bad things you're seeing is not always true and not everything that's there. There are other things too. There's hope, for starters. You will at some point in your life be given new chances, a new job, a new relationship with your son, perhaps even with your husband or a new love.

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My husband gave me so many chances.  Omg he was my rock for years and i always felt not good enough for him.  I want to give him and my kids a second chance but i no my mind set will never change. Not sure of what my future is, but i no i have always been a failure and dont no any way to make this better.  I talked to my husband this morning and he said it has been 25 years of dealing with this with me.  I didnt realize it was our whole relationship.  I regret meeting him because i messed up his life and and brought children in this world who can suffer the same fate i am suffering.  I am totally useless. I wake up in the morning and say im going to do this and this and this and when the day ends i do nothing.  I hate myself and want to die and i no i sound selfish but i cant keep living like this.  I want to change but it is like ground hogs day.  The same day after day. 

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If there was an easy solution we would be telling you right now. 

 

I would say that the solution is unlikely to be what you think it is because your thinking is 'warped'

 

The solution is getting some help, not just taking pills, but actually doing something to challenge your mental state. You can not undo the past but you can do something about the future. You can be an example to your children and a demonstration of how it is possible to recover from the most dire difficulties and be a help to others in the process.

 

Try this fellowship

 

 http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm  issues covered read them carefully and if you identify then go to the meetings. Everyone is a little bit CODA but for the person that suffers from it then it can destroy relationships and the sufferer and I think you may be at that point. 

 

http://www.coda.org/  meetings

 

They offer a spiritual program of recovery that can challenge some of the in bedded thought patterns that you suffer from and has you running round in circles in your mind (groundhog day). They can offer help and support for you to come to terms with your past and what ever the future holds. They have meetings and someone shares their experience strength and hope for around 20 minutes. People then briefly share back if they want to. So you get to hear others peoples struggles and what they did that made a positive difference. It is free. It is fellowship. It is something you can 'do' to help your situation that requires very little effort really. Trust me it will work if you work at it.

 

They do not deal specifically with mental health issues, rather relationship issues, but that means you qualify. From there the program will help a lot with your mental state. 

 

I am going through some stuff with my wife at the moment, I know how raw and pointless things can seem when the way through is not clear and maybe not even known. When I gave up drinking I was a hopeless case and for sure I did not know if I could even live sober nor what the future held for me, it was really really scary. Also I was off the wall crazy in how I thought about life and how to be effective in it. I needed help. I needed other people (yuk!) it worked for me and it will for you. 

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My husband gave me so many chances.  Omg he was my rock for years and i always felt not good enough for him.  I want to give him and my kids a second chance but i no my mind set will never change. Not sure of what my future is, but i no i have always been a failure and dont no any way to make this better.  I talked to my husband this morning and he said it has been 25 years of dealing with this with me.  I didnt realize it was our whole relationship.  I regret meeting him because i messed up his life and and brought children in this world who can suffer the same fate i am suffering.  I am totally useless. I wake up in the morning and say im going to do this and this and this and when the day ends i do nothing.  I hate myself and want to die and i no i sound selfish but i cant keep living like this.  I want to change but it is like ground hogs day.  The same day after day. 

 

Perhaps a divorce is for the best, I can't tell, but it sounds like the decision has been made and you guys wouldn't find back together.

 

If you believe your mind can never change it never will. Try what noonelikesaknowitall suggested or something similar whilst believing things can actually change.

 

If your husband's life is now messed up it's certainly not all your fault. He didn't have to stay with you for 25 years. He probably did because he loved you despite everything. That's not your fault (at least not entirely!), that's a good thing. It was his choice to keep going till now. No one would do that for 25 years just for pity!

 

Again, what do you mean your children could suffer the same fate? Are they prone to depression? What's the condition?

 

Still don't know why you think you're ugly.

 

You already know what to do against your so-called uselessness. What have you done today? Make a list in the morning, just a couple of simple things you really want to get done, don't start with anything big, then force yourself to do them. The next day you do the same thing. You start looking for help, for people to talk to (there are other people in your place). You start crossing off bigger things. You could take your kids out for a treat and make yourself feel better about yourself too. Do something every day. Look for a job every day. It's not selfish to keep living like this.

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My dear OP, if you were so ugly and useless, why would your husband have wanted to marry you and make love to you?  

 

Right now you are letting junk thoughts rent space in your mind, and as a result, you are cheating your husband, your kids and yourself. 

 

You know what?   It seems that spirituality is missing from your life.   The most fundamental relationship in our lives is with God.   If you do not try to have a personal relationship with God, no other relationships will be truly fulfilling.  

 

When's the last time all of you attended worship together?   If you say not in a long time or never, I am going to say that is the core of your problems.

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My husband told me today he wants a divorce. I don't blame him he had enough. I don't know what to do. I was never good enough for him anyway. I'm really feeling depressed now. I just don't know what is going to happen.. Will I be homeless? Probably so. I deserve to be.

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Wow, self pity much? Your state of mind right now is totally “old school.†Everything/everyone around you is telling you that the world is flat (the you are worthless)– and you believe it. How could you not? But I can get you proof that the world is round (and that you matter).

 

How? Go sailing. You’ll discover a whole new world.

 

You can’t sit there and expect to change. You make it happen. If you need guidance, we can give you a boat, point you in the right direction, and raise your sales. We will be your shipmates, but you have to get in and tell us to raise anchor. Otherwise, we'll still be at the dock.

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My husband told me today he wants a divorce. I don't blame him he had enough. I don't know what to do

Sorry to hear this, but I have to say from my personal experience that the worst things (as I saw them) that happened to me can sometimes turn out to be the things I needed to happen in order to make the changes that I could not have done with out them happening. 

 

What to do? Get on with your 'recovery' no pain is ever wasted if we can learn from it. You need some help/therapy/group support so get on and sort that out. This is a chance to discover yourself. This does not have to sink your boat, like the fox says you can use this to set your sails to waters new.

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I was never good enough for him anyway.

This is a subjective view point. You need an objective view point (outside of your own thinking) You need to get some accurate perspective on the whole situation. From now on I want you to remind yourself that when you think things like this that your mind is lying to you.

 

For example in this thought process, He married you so at some point you were good enough for him. Do you see the lie? it may seem like a small thing but your mind is doing this type of thing to you all down the line and given enough unchallenged thought processes then it seems to become an undeniable fact. I do not know you well enough to pull it apart more than that but I bet if I knew you all these years I could pull it apart further. 

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 I'm really feeling depressed now. I just don't know what is going to happen.. Will I be homeless? Probably so. I deserve to be.

 

Of course you are depressed, who would not be right now in your shoes? This is a hard thing to deal with however it is totally possible to deal with it and come out the other side smiling. Really. It is true. 

 

It is harder to make changes when you are around people who have known you for years. You could view this as the incident that has set you free (from a life that was not working for you) unto a life where you can discover how to live more effectively. I think you could view this differently, as an opportunity (although hard) to make some life changes you may never have been able to make in your marriage.

 

You still have the opportunity to show your children that you can overcome. That there is more to life than meets the eye. 

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It is 1 million light years from someone saying he or she wants a divorce to actually getting a divorce.

 

My sensing is that he's telling you that he cannot cope with your self-deprecation any more.   You see, he always wanted to be your hero, your knight in shining armor.   But no matter what he did, you still remained in a funk.   So he feels like he is useless to you, and feels that you probably do not appreciate him or what he has tried to do for you.

 

When a man tries everything and his wife still remains in a funk, he is at his wit's end.   He has failed to please his wife.   So he thinks she must be dissatisfied with him . .  that she's fallen out of love with him.

 

You need to get off your fanny and DO some things--I don't care how depressed you are.   If you want to lose everything you've got, then just sit on your fanny and do nothing.   BUT if you want to save your marriage, you need to do the following:

 

1.  Tell your husband that you're sorry for all of the self-deprecation and acting like he's never bee able to please you.   Tell him it's your fault, not his.

2.  Get to a doctor and get in some therapy and anti-depression meds to get you over this rough patch.   Most likely your serotonin levels are too low.   That will make you feel like crap even if you've just won the lottery.

3.  Get thee to a church and discover that spiritual side of yourself.   But not just any church--a loving, warm and friendly church.

 

You won't end up divorced if you do those three things.   Instead, you'll rediscover happiness and your husband will do anything to please you.

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no such thing as magic otherwise this world would be completely different and I'd be a supermodel. you need to calm down and see your doctor. get help with your depression. you will not be homeless if you have friends or family plus you can get emergency housing. you need to get better and then think about love. the drama of relationships is not what you need at the moment. you will be happy and in love and feel good again if that is what you want but it wont happen through magic it will happen through you getting the help you need from doctors and being strong for yourself. if your husband is meant to be with you then it will all come back together in the end and if not then you will still find happiness some where else. I hope you can see that you need real help. please try to help yourself because you are the only person who can do it. the people around you can only push you so far you need to do the rest.

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