Chatbox
    You don't have permission to chat.
    Load More
Guest

So called a suicide hot line for the 2nd time this week

9 posts in this topic

Today is my birthday, and all I can think about is how little I matter. How if I cease to exist right here and now, how the world would continue to spin. I thought how the hold music sounds like a slow motion kill scene. Like there's this one scene in lover boy where the mom discovers her parents killed themselves. So I started to imagine my body being found all bloated and unrecognizable. I doubt I will ever kill myself because I think I lack the impulse. But for the last 2 years, not a day goes by where I don't want to die. I'm rational enough to know I am not needed in this world, but I can't help but wish I was wanted. Sure there's people who care about me to some degree, but I'm not history book important.

Anonymous poster hash: b6984...6d4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't wish to add to your struggles, but I do want to give it to you straight...well as I see things.

 

It is a grim reality.... but most people don't matter to others in this world, not really. Most people are too busy thinking about themselves and how to survive the rat race. In general, if one does have the time or inclination to pay attention to others thats usually because its in some way rewarding to *them*.

 

So, if you can accept that fact you won't feel left out or different. Afterall, why should we expect others to make us feel we are wanted or even matter? To hold on to that expectation is basically fooling yourself.

 

There will come a point in your life when you realize you need to accept and want yourself first; and before expecting others to show any form of care and recognition towards you. To matter to oneself means having to learn to VALUE who you are completely: you look after yourself in every way, you keep an open and loving heart towards others, you are grateful for what you already have, and you always maintain a positive attitude and most importantly... SMILE. Having these attractive qualities will automatically make you feel precious and valuable, you won't need others to make you feel good about yourself which means you won't leave yourself vulnerable to people's acceptance and approval of you. Indeed, by developing such inner qualities you will reflect innate confidence and positivity that people can't help but spontaneously gravitate towards. And you know what? That will make you feel even more wanted. Its really up to you to initiate and maintain that cycle momentum. Thats just life.

 

Besides, you can never really guarantee you are absolutely unconditionally wanted by anyone right? so why search for it? Start looking for what you need inside you, it is there. Just take your eyes off the world and focus on yourself.

 

As a start, why don't you go and buy yourself a special little gift, *from YOU to YOU* and really determine to enjoy your day.... Happy Birthday! :wub:

Gone. and aeolian mode like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you tell yourself everyday that you want to die, then that's a habit. Habits don't only include our behaviours, but our thoughts as well. Furthermore, if you tell yourself something everyday, you'll begin to believe it.

I guarantee you if you started telling yourself out loud first thing in the morning "I want to live"... If you kept that up for 6 months you would start to feel better and more positive.

I can understand if you don't want to live. But do you want to want to live?

Because that's just a matter of exercising your will.

 

How old are you?

Gone. likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's sounds like you're likely depressed. Depression can cloud your judgment (causing you to believe you're being rational when you're not), it can make you feel constantly small and worthless, and unmotivated to live. It's normal for people to go through stages of depression, sadness, or experience moments of overwhelming smallness in relation to the human existence and entire universe, but to feel like this everyday could mean that something else is going on physiologically. And if this has been going on for 2 years, the more normal the symptoms are going to feel and less likely you'll be able to recognize them yourself. You may not even feel depressed at all.

 

It's worth seeking medical and psychological help because, if you are clinically depressed, positive thinking and self-talk aren't going to be enough, since the problem is physiological. Also, depression can be a sign of heavier health issues.

 

That being said, I absolutely agree with the above posters. Being human isn't about being history book important. And how much do we really know about these people, anyway? I mean, really? History isn't about actual people, it's about the big picture. Our feelings and understandings of other people are so ambiguous even when we know them. Being human is about life experiences and connection. It's about smelling the roses and wanting what you have. It's all cliche, but cliche for good reason. Also, I believe it's a misconception that you needs to be satisfied with you're life in order to generally happy. Don't let how you feel about your life determine your self-worth.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well happy B-day! Truth is, I don't matter either...if you really think about it though, no one does. The world will continue to spin no matter who dies. So the question is, why put such importance on something that NO ONE in this world has or ever had? Why do you have to matter "that much" just to exist? At some point, you have to say, I'm here, I'm alive...and that's cool.....then you pave your own way. I started working and built a house. I've built hotrods, I sold my own movies that I made myself....so I'll never be history book good, but at least there are somethings in this world that I've left behind for other people to enjoy - and that's enough for me.

 

Go volunteer at a place where people who have no one go - like a shelter for homeless, or women, or kids, etc, etc....Go be a big bro/big sis...You'll find people who have NO ONE, and to them, you'll be one of the most important people in thier life. Start a local chairty. It will be sybiotic. If you can't help yourself, help someone else. You are important and you do matter....you have a voice and a will. Now make your own "way"...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I do like myself as a person, I think I am fed up with feeling alone all the time or that I matter less than others. I feel like I should be established by now. (I'm 23) I feel I should have been done with college (BA) and that I should my pockets full enough to buy something I want from time to time. I'm also frustrated I can eat what I want like other people my age due to my blood sugar issues. I like how I look, I like what I have accomplished, I just don't like the feeling of being alone. The minute I get home from work, I just feel alone and empty. Also I was diagnosed with clinical depression 9 years ago, but I don't take medicine or anything for it.

Anonymous poster hash: b6984...6d4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I do like myself as a person, I think I am fed up with feeling alone all the time or that I matter less than others. I feel like I should be established by now. (I'm 23) I feel I should have been done with college (BA) and that I should my pockets full enough to buy something I want from time to time. I'm also frustrated I can eat what I want like other people my age due to my blood sugar issues. I like how I look, I like what I have accomplished, I just don't like the feeling of being alone. The minute I get home from work, I just feel alone and empty. Also I was diagnosed with clinical depression 9 years ago, but I don't take medicine or anything for it.

Anonymous poster hash: b6984...6d4

 

I just wanted to add to what I said about exercising will. That's my personal belief. Severe depression might not be something you as an individual are prepared to deal with right now, at the moment. So please seek help.

 

Carrying on... Medication can be necessary in situations where the individual is at risk of harming themself or others. It should be used as a temporary measure, usually used in parallel with therapy.

Have you done any therapy to help you with your mood?

It sounds to me like your depression is largely focused around an existential crisis. The problem with depression is that because your low mood is general, that original negative thought can contaminate others. Instead of just feeling low about being alone, you start feeling frustrated about having (low?) blood sugar etc. I'm not saying that the latter isn't something worth feeling frustrated about, I'm just saying that part of how you feel about having low blood sugar will be exacerbated by your low mood.

Low mood will unfairly affect you perception/perspective on multiple issues, not just the one that sparked it.

Learning to recognise this when it occurs is a key step in overcoming depressive thoughts.

 

In 9 years, what steps have you tried taking to rid yourself of depression? What steps have been recommended to you?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now