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*Em[[iLy]]*

My boyfriend never thinks about marriage and we've been together over 3 years.

16 posts in this topic

Should I be concerned? We have our ups and downs like every relationship does. We have our disagreements and had a little bit of dishonesty in the relationship but nothing has separated us. I love him more than anything in this world but it kinda strikes me funny that he's never gotten me a promise ring, necklace, anything of the sorts and when I ask him about marriage in his future he says he doesn't think about it, he doesn't see the point. I don't know how to really handle this situation seeing that we've been together for so long and he's never even considered making me officially his. Any insight?

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Just best advice. If you don't have a destination to put in your gps, then you don't have an exact direction to get to where you want to be. You end up getting lost. I take it that you two are still pretty young. Maybe he is just enjoying things the moment like you should too. I wouldn't be pushy about something like that. If two people truly love each other, marriage shouldn't be a thing to prove it. That's just my personal opinion. I think marriage is owner ship of another person. Honestly I think love should be something along the lines of free, unconditional, selfless, and sincere. You should take a step back and consider what's more important. Then ask yourself what you really want, and why.

Afullbright1 likes this

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Just give him time. People just do what they want when they want. That's just life, how we are. If it gets to the point where you're unhappy, then take some time for yourself to think about it. The way you describe him, sounds like he's doing the right thing and enjoying everything for the moment. If you two are happy, I wouldn't worry about it.

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and we are happy.. its just hard seeing all of our friends that get to plan pretty weddings, getting engaged, and have awesome rings and stuff and then we dont do anything like that. I love him and i dont see myself with anyone else. I guess Im just wishing that he would surprise me with something that shows how much I mean to him or how much he loves me.. I feel like we just live with each other and sometimes go out on a date, its all kind of bland.. but thats really it. Idk maybe Im just expecting it to happen sooner than it should and I just need to let it be. I dont hound him on the topic or really push him either, I just like talking to him about it.. Its nice sitting around and talking about future plans. I just dont want to wait too long cuz this is the time of our life we can really be going places..

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He said marriage is not important to him and he doesn't see the point. You on the other hand have marriage bubbling on the inside and you won't rest because it is important to you and you do see a point.

 

Whatever your reasons, you need to discuss with him why its important for you to get married. See what he says and then decide if you can reach some agreement. Thats pretty obvious.... but a word of caution:

 

If I was completely honest, I personally would not be swayed if my partner said I wanna get married because of "seeing all of our friends that get to plan pretty weddings, getting engaged, and have awesome rings and stuff and then we dont do anything like that"-

 

..... err...thats not a valid reason to get married. That kinda reasoning sounds immature because its a temporary, may be fun (for some!) thing to do but not convincing enough to dedicate one's life to. 

 

Think hard and make sure you decide to marry for the right reasons.

Padre J Roulston likes this

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He said marriage is not important to him and he doesn't see the point. You on the other hand have marriage bubbling on the inside and you won't rest because it is important to you and you do see a point.
 
Whatever your reasons, you need to discuss with him why its important for you to get married. See what he says and then decide if you can reach some agreement. Thats pretty obvious.... but a word of caution:
 
If I was completely honest, I personally would not be swayed if my partner said I wanna get married because of "seeing all of our friends that get to plan pretty weddings, getting engaged, and have awesome rings and stuff and then we dont do anything like that"-
 
..... err...thats not a valid reason to get married. That kinda reasoning sounds immature because its a temporary, may be fun (for some!) thing to do but not convincing enough to dedicate one's life to. 
 
Think hard and make sure you decide to marry for the right reasons.

 

I couldn't have said it better :)

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My own view is that two years is long enough to decide if marriage is the next step.

 

If marriage is not the next step, that means the relationship is heading toward oblivion.

 

Marriage is important.   It's the most important contract we make with another human being in our lifetime.   It gets us through the rough patches when we're not feeling loved or like loving anyone else.   It is the very bedrock of civilization itself.  

 

Irresponsible men run from marriage like a vampire runs from a crucifix.   Any guy can stay with a girl and enjoy the benefits of marriage without being married.   But it takes a real man to want to solemnify the relationship.  

 

If we lived 10,000 years, we could date someone three, four, five or ten years and not worry about whether we got married or not.   But we have very finite lifespans, and we don't have a third of a decade to waste on people who don't want to commit to us.

Padre J Roulston likes this

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I think that if he was thinking about you as wife material; or if he was thinking about someday marrying, he would have already asked you. 

 

If it hasn't happened by now, it's not going to happen....UNLESS POSSIBLY there is an ultimatum.  If you leave because you want to be married some day and you want to 1. get over the hurt; and 2. find someone new, he MIGHT decide that he doesn't want to lose you and will pop the question.  Be very careful of this situation, though...it's the possibility between two scenarios:  1.  he has opened his eyes and realizes he can't live without you; or 2. he would rather marry you than lose you.  The second scenario is one in which he is "keeping you on the line," possibly with empty promises.  Promises that will be put off and put off and in five years down the road you will be in the same boat you're in now, but older.  With more baggage.

 

Also, I think that it's really important that when a guy is courting a girl, he gives her things: jewelry and such, even if they are inexpensive items in terms of jewelry...with jewelry, a guy could spend $70-$80 to get a nice piece or upwards of thousands of dollars to get "heirloom pieces."  He needs to shell a little out on jewelry, dinners, flowers.  If he doesn't think highly enough of you now to treat you like a lady, he will definitely not treat you like a lady when (if) you are ever married and you will always be sad and questioning his commitment.

 

Good luck

Padre J Roulston likes this

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Late night insomnia, viewing these old topics!

How did things work out emily?  Are you guys still together?  Are you going to sign in again and answer this question?   hope so!

Edit:  I didn't make the connection between this post and your other one.  Sorry to accidentally put salt on old wombs.  I'm a terrible lizard and I apologize.

 

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So what was the verdict? I didn't get married until I had lived with a girl a very long time. We got married when she got pregnant. I was happy about it actually, and kind of felt bad that I didn't ask beforehand. I think marriage has lost its luster for a lot of people. There are so many divorces and the man always gets screwed.. I know my sons have no plans of ever getting married because of their friend's experiences. One of their best friends who grew up in our neighborhood got married and his wife had a baby and he found out it wasn't his. His wife is the one that told him, and she sued for divorce and he has to pay alimony and child support for at least 18 years. It's not even his child and she cheated on him and he has to pay her bills and someone else's child's bills too... that's as effed up as it gets. The courts and no fault divorces have ruined marriage.

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You are also right, Docteur Ralph.   The courts have got to come to their senses---they are the number one reason men shy away from marriage.

It's totally wrong to force a man to pay child support for a child that is not his.   Jail the woman until she tells who the father is, and then go after the real father.  

I've noticed that there are two areas feminists won't touch with a 10-foot pole:   (1) making women eligible for a military draft, and (2) bringing justice to the divorce courts.   The feminists like these two inequalities just fine, thank you.   That is one reason I have absolutely no use for them.

I also have no use for ANY group that tries to vault itself over others.   The NAACP should simply be the National Association for the Advancement of ALL People.   The National Organization for Women should be the National Organization for People.   The League of Women Voters should be simply the League of Voters.  My philosophy is to only have programs that "float all boats."   Affirmative action in the US has ruined the work ethic--now it doesn't matter how hard you studied or worked, it just matters what race and sex you are.   The military had separate promotion lists for minorities and women--and the promotion boards had to "show cause" if they didn't fill their quota of minority and female promotees.   As you might have guessed, many better qualified people were shoved aside for these "affirmative action" programs.  

Government is all about affirmative action.   And when you have a problem with something the government is doing, and you write the agency in charge and either get a stupid reply or no reply, you can see affirmative action at work.

None of this is to say that there are not super-qualified minority members and women.   It is to say that hiring and promotions should be within the framework of a meritocracy, where only ability--and not your race or sex--should be considered.

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