holyburd

So tired of being alone

26 posts in this topic

First and foremost, I will say this much, DO NOT say the famous line "When you stop looking, it'll happen " BULLROAR because I have known that line all my life. Let's just start by saying the obvious, this is just me letting off steam. I am tired of being single, walked passed, being alone on the holidays! All I've known in my life is ONE short relationship, a long series of "would-be" suitors who ducked out, people who have just used me for my resources, and the other group called the friendzoners. I have failed every attempt, and not by choice. What I think I am doing is honest, considerate, not too pushy so as not to scare anyone away. Too passive perhaps? I wouldn't know, I never actually engaged in a relationship that went ANYWHERE. All the while only 3 of the fu**-ton of friends I know are single, two of which are brothers to each other. All the others are all taken engaged, married, and a good portion of my friends who are in relationships...ARE IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH EACH OTHER! Just developed that way I guess. I sit here this Christmas finally hurt and depressed enough to just come out and ask "WHY!?" Why am I forced to forever SUCk with love, to be alone on the holidays while everyone on social fu**ing media wants to profess their love and remind me of just how much I came up short!? Even with the best intentions, it never matters what I do. I tried being passive, being aggressive, being coy, I've risked and exploded a good number of friendships by taking that risk and crossing the line. NOW those friendships are DEAD. I've tried online sites, asking random people out, nothing. I WANT to metaphorically grab the Freedom Shotgun from my Soul-Closet and blow out the back of my head so I can just end this low feeling inside, but that just isn't a quick fix. I am SICK of hurting, SICK of people clicheing me about my lovelife, telling me "How HAPPY I'll be when I FINALLY meet Ms. Perfect" and keeping in touch with my old friends on social media but being forced to occasionally see a pic of the "one who got away" in her Couples Photographs. I am SICK of giving my all, living by what I profess, and never having ANY of it amount to SH**!!!! Yes, I AM jealous. Yes, I AM angry, and YES I am lonely. I am tired of fighting all these battles alone, have all my efforts fall short, lose out every time, try to learn but manage to mess it up again. I am literally almost in tears as I type this sentence. I am seriously considering just giving up all hope, I can't take it anymore....I've spent enough years and troubles alone, I am sick of trying to be strong and "tough it out" because, yeah i AM a guy and that's what we do, but yeah, I have my limits. Add to that: I am tired of only being good enough to be friend material, but never enough to be a romantic partner. I am only JUST good enough for light companionship, never enough to make it any farther. They say that if you want something, you gotta push and give a reason to change. If we give our valiant efforts day in, and day out and see no change, why should I continue....?

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Well dude. If I understand you right you want a partner. Right?

Like a better half?

First, Merry Christmas.

 

Most people look to compliment their life with someone that makes them happy, safe and comfortable.

Jealous is okay, a feeling of entitlement is asss whacked..lol.

Media is cool, but just that a tool.

When you draw a line of which behavior is appropriate and respectful it gets easier.

Like dressing up for a dinner.

 

If people are telling you that you "need" Ms. Perfect to be happy, then stop being grumpy and get into helping someone or thing.

Volunteer, serve or build a park or something.

 

The answers are there, just not available on your terms...lol.

Think of it. You'll love me because you have too and I demand it. Silly..lol.

How about; I like you and you make me feel better, so how can I reply that.

 

Good new buddy!

You can start off new year with a plan:)

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Do you look happy?

I guess not!

Girls want guys who are happy--who have it together, who are self-confident . . . who act like they really couldn't care less if they had a girlfriend or not.

If they think a guy is looking for a girlfriend, they run the other way.

Strange, isn't it?

Now, some questions for you: do you attend a church or belong to a volunteer organization? Do you have an interest or hobby that keeps you engaged? Are you doing anything to improve yourself, e.g., taking courses or learning a new language?

Don't worry about your friends, and don't compare yourself to them. Those relationships you think they are so happy in? Most will blow up before the end of next year.

You need to get yourself in circulation within the right circles, which hobbies or interests or volunteer work or church can do. And you need to start enjoying life. You do not NEED a girlfriend. You do not REQUIRE one. Always keep in mind that no girlfriend is infinitely better than the wrong girlfriend. Hint: there are LOTS of messed-up girls out there who would just LOVE to mess with your head!

Don't look for a girl to complete you. Cannot happen. Just start enjoying life. Move in the right circles. Be happy. Opportunities will then arise. Very likely, the "right" girl will ask YOU out!

aeolian mode likes this

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Have fun getting your house in order. Go to gym, eat good, have friends by being friendly, when your happy in your own skin doing what you love you will without doubt get a g/f... You sound sappy and moaning. Thats a total turnoff to any women.. Get your house in order and get off this site whinning. We all have stuff.. Make it happen.. Oh yea, go buy some running shoes and use them.. Latter dude

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First, let me say -- I feel you.  I spent many years feeling that everyone else had it "figured out", that I was the only one who was unloveable, undateable, destined to be alone, etc., despite knowing, deep down, that I was a good person too, that I "deserved" a partner and happiness.  I know how sucky it is to hear "just stop looking, he'll find you," (although sub out the he for she in your case), etc., because you've tried that over and over and it hasn't done anything. I know, and I am so sorry to hear how much this is hurting you and affecting you.

 

I also hear, some things in your hurts and fears that don't necessarily need to be there -- that you somehow "come up short" and that you will be "So happy" when you meet "ms. right".  Let me tell you right now that all of your friends in marriages and relationships struggle, that none of their relationships bring them perfect happiness.  Of course, it is wonderful to have a partner in life, and it makes a lot of things easier.  It also makes lots of things more difficult.   In other words, now that I've lived in both worlds (that of frustrated and hurting single, and that of in a long-term relationship) I'm trying to disabuse you of the notion that the relationship world is the promised land of happiness and what you get when you are somehow finally "worth it". 

 

This belief, in fact, may be part of what is keeping you from finding a relationship.  Because you see it so deeply tied to your sense of worth, because you see it (understandably so) as this world that you have been kept from, despite your being inherently a good and worthy person, it makes every aspect of the dating process much more deeply emotional and painful.  I imagine, then, that on a first date with someone -- or even in that pre-date communication -- you are not being fully yourself.  Instead, you are tied up in your anxieties and fears about the fact that this, too, will lead to nothing more than disappointment, that it will reaffirm the fact that you are destined to be alone.  This impacts your decisions, your general vibe, your choices, everything.  And ultimately, it fulfills the prophecy set for yourself, not by you, but by your anxieties and fears.

 

I agree with some of the suggestions above, despite the fact that they feel cliche and maybe even something you've already tried.  But I agree that you need to find the things in your life that make you feel your most 'you'.  Where you are not mired in your anxieties and hurts, or surrounded by people who appear to have it all figured out.  And then you need to get to know people -- not with the intention of dating them, but just so that you can spend time with them, find out about them, learn what they bring out in and you bring out in them.  And then you need to try going out on dates where you are in no way tied to the outcome.  Where it is really and truly okay whether or not it works out.  This takes work.  It takes time spent outside of yourself and your head and your anxious, hurting mind.  It is hard and takes intentional time.  It does NOT take pretending that you don't want it and then magically having it appear when you least expect it.  You have some work to do first, that will allow you to live your life as you, not as your anxious, fearful self.  Because the you that you really are is awesome and worthy.  And it will be awesome and worthy when you are single, and when you are dating someone, and when you break up, and if and when you marry, and if and when you don't.

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This belief, in fact, may be part of what is keeping you from finding a relationship.  Because you see it so deeply tied to your sense of worth, because you see it (understandably so) as this world that you have been kept from, despite your being inherently a good and worthy person, it makes every aspect of the dating process much more deeply emotional and painful.  I imagine, then, that on a first date with someone -- or even in that pre-date communication -- you are not being fully yourself.  Instead, you are tied up in your anxieties and fears about the fact that this, too, will lead to nothing more than disappointment, that it will reaffirm the fact that you are destined to be alone.  This impacts your decisions, your general vibe, your choices, everything.  And ultimately, it fulfills the prophecy set for yourself, not by you, but by your anxieties and fears.

 

It does NOT take pretending that you don't want it and then magically having it appear when you least expect it.

 

^ This.

 

I read a book recently comparing pre-historical evolutionary behaviour and modern date mating strategies and there's a lot to suggest that the modern western approach to long-term monogamy is against our innate behaviour

You might not subscribe that sort of thing. The point is, 'the one' doesn't exist, and despite a relationship having certain benefits, you all so make sacrifices. That's why the emotion of love sometimes seems to defy reason.

You're not missing out by being single when you haven't met the right person to be in a relationship with, but you are missing out by letting a desire for something you're not ready for affect your mood and behaviour.

 

I don't think you're ready for a relationship. (admitting that you don't have to be ready for a relationship to have an ok one).

If you want a truly fulfilling relationship with all the sparkles and tinsel, you'll have to make it a second priority in your life but be open to it.

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I don't know if this'll be helpful, but it looks to me like the problem is your idea about what your life is missing and how a relationship could fix that. Being fine alone is important by itself for many reasons, but being able to truly do that will probably make you more attractive looking to others (maybe not a thing someone desperate should even concern themselves with). Also, not knowing how to find happiness in yourself might eventually ruin a good relationship by your draining them of whatever you think you need to get it. But also I don't know you or relationships or people much, and I've heard people are supposed to find compatible drains/reffuelers that'll encourage the maintenance of a healthy bond, and I've heard if you just keep trying and growing with different people, you'll more easily grow into someone who could have a functional relationship with someone else, so do what you want, it'll all be okay anyway. Give up if you want, but why would you? What would it even change? 

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I'm trying to not care about it. I have somewhat decent times with it, some moments not so much. I guess maybe I had a strong moment of loathing given the holiday blues and what not. I just...I just can't help but be frustrated at never even getting to come out of the gates like that, you know? I mean it would be one thing if I could even get out there in a few relationships, and said "It just didn't work out" but all these mysteries and all the "what ifs" when it ends before it begins....at least that way I could have at least known I have a shot at this. The last time a woman exposed any attraction in any regard was when(as I am deeply ashamed to admit) in 2011, this girl I knew was so down and out about life and her boyfriend was such a jerk, blah blah, all that needless talk. Let's just say, it was a physical flirting, no kissing or anything, more like touchy, and talks about "one day...." between us. I ended up being her emotional pacifier like an idiot all that time, but you know what I learned from that back then? Don't try to be the guy who "saves" the girl from her misery, and don't be her doormat or pacifier. It ended bad between us, never seen or heard from her. But that was 3 years ago, and was the closest thing I ever had to the real deal. That is KIND of twisted....My character was tested that year.....I came up SEVERELY short.....but I have since learned from that one time mistake. The only time before THAT that came close was back in middle school, about 7 years prior to that incident where I was TOO scared and nervous to do a damn thing about it. It just gets hard to keep getting back up after getting kicked in the gut over and over, ya know? There is this little sparkle in my soul that just doesn't go away no matter how hard I stomp on it to put it out. It's the part of me that says "NO don't stop believing you came this far!! What if the next time you don't act, what if that was the one and YOU let it slip away!?" even though in my head I KNOW I should just STOP. That is ALL that i holding me back from living onwards. Some people just have that gift of attraction, some not so much. Just as some have courage beyond measure in terms of crisis events(like me) while others may not. They may freeze, go blank on what to do. I just act, I use my immediate logic and so what i have to. Some have it, some do not. In terms of attraction and luck, I just don't think I got it. I NEED to learn to be ok with that, and be ok with not being that great appeal. I never was, frankly at this point in life I know I never will be either. If I can just learn that...

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My first step...? Continue with other avenues in life, like my career, my finances, etc. I want to put this area of life on a severe halt for the time being. The common theme I have noticed is it HAS been on hold my whole life, the only factor that determines whether it hurts me or not is how I look upon it. If I keep trying to change what hasn't been able to change for years, maybe it's time to stop. It's like staring at a rock hoping to break it down by looking at it, and complaining that your eyes hurt after a while. It's not gonna change. I have to stop letting this hurt me if it doesn't have to. I gave it my all time and time again with very little returned, lost several friends over it, took leaps of faith when I was too scared to do it willingly....At least I can say "I failed" because "I failed" is ten times more of a man than someone who just said "What if" because "what if" never even went to the arena.

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I wrote a reply, but something crashed and lost it all...lol.

Good first step buddy.

Second...no halt...back burner, no loss...got away from and no fail...just didn't work. Try to go with the flow:)

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lol..on one post I thought you were a cranky old fart and I'm getting the feeling you're a confused younger girl?

 

Makes a difference when you're giving advice. Especially when it comes to diapers  LMHO.

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I saw 1 piece of data in there – you tried a dating site and it didn’t work…with no important information – like how long, how many people were on it, how many people did you contact, how many replied, etc..etc…etc…I think the most important aspect of determining the solution to a problem is to find out what the problem is. Don’t be sick of being single, be sick of not knowing why you’re single. If you have a 1/100 personality, did you really attempt to make contact with 100 people on that site? Some people have a 1/1000 personality – they are rarities, but also gems. But maybe you're failing in a different part of the process…like if you connect with 20 people and 5 respond, but go nowhere, then the system is breaking down at a different level. If you can only find 3 women you like out of 1000, that’s a whole different story. So you have to know where the whole breakdown in this process is…do you know?

 

After high-school, I met all future potentials on dating sites, because I’m far too shy to approach anyone and I work alone in a box with the same people, all much older than me.  For me, I know it usually takes about 60 contacts before I find someone suitable and interested in me. Honestly – there’s SO many people out there, it just takes a lot of work. Granted I still ended up single and more heartbroken than I was to start with – but such is life. We do what we do. At least then it gives you a new topic to post on:P

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I just wanted to add some wisdom to the total picture. You have no idea how better off you are single than to be with the wrong person. I know you wont believe that until you go through bad relationships. You will than be ecstatic you are single and free...  

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Well see, that's the thing. I consider the b.s. games I've already had to deal with as bad ones. I KNOW the pain and frustration they bring. I'm not looking to "just have somebody" but I can't lie....some days...yeah it sucks not having even held someone in your arms.....it gets to be a lonely place.....I know my standards and what i deserve....but it still does sting sometimes.

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Yea dude, I get it.  I run and workout in the gym.  i just have in my mindseye what kind of girl I want and wont settle for less. I feel for your situation. lol you sound like me..

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If u want something bad enough you'll go get it join match or another site go on all the date a you can experiment try new thing s know what u want in a women and ask the right questions to find her sometimes she's right down the street the whole time

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I have. Honestly, the moment I started to accept that some people don't share equal luck with the same things, the easier it got. Luck DOES play a factor in this subject sometimes. Based on location, the types of people associated with that place, why you are there and for how long can easily determine such circumstances. A college student working a part-time job, while interning can be stuck in his specific spots because of his aspirations for his career. Sticking to the grindstone can restrict said person to the clientele of that location, and restricting his ability to do other things because of business. In my case, that's how it played out. Granted, I could have began the dating thing earlier in life but I just wasn't ready then and I am ok with that. I at least know in my heart I always tried my best, even if I made a goof of myself a few times. then again, with love...who doesn't?

Still, I gotta admit it CAN still suck here or there, especially when you got nagging peers trying to give you "player advice" all the time, the opposite of what I am looking for. It wears, but I kinda gave up that notion after 7 years of fighting with little to show for it. I know, that sounds negative, but it's really not. Coming to terms with things can make it easier to work with. Sometimes a step back is a step in the right direction. Clearly, my effort means squat if the other party doesn't pay out either. Love is a two way street.

In the mean-time, I've been working on a lot. I've recently finally gotten over a big-time tragedy that's been following me for a long time and keeping me from my sport. I am advancing in my path to my career, it's been great. As soon as I'm able, and have the cash for it, I'm going back to Kickboxing competition. I have all the time in the world to make my future what it is supposed to be. :) I appreciate you checking up on me, Angie. 

And how about you? How've you been?

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