holyburd

Past Damages

15 posts in this topic

Ok, I realize some of the things I ask about may be trivial, but this is one area that I have to get some form of assistance with.

I am having a VERY hard time getting over the events of last year, and it has taken a long-term toll ever since. I hadn't even noticed until recently that these things were the reason I have become the way I am today. Some are considered good, but some are also not wanted.

 

I used to train kickboxing at this gym called Roufusport. I started in 2012 and at the time, it was the BEST thing I could have hoped for. I felt like a kid in the candy store, finally able to kick off my dream of fighting since I was a small boy. I trained there for two years as a little guy compared to most, fought and scraped just to get to my level of Blue Belt in Kickboxing which, in that gym, was the qualifying rank to enter their Fight Team for amateur bouts. I made some friends over that time, and we trained together with the same vision of living the dream. 

 

Before that time, I had lost one friend to suicide in 2013, another to drug overdose, and 2 family members to natural causes. Upon my entry to the fight team, I had also begun a relationship with an old flame that stemmed back to 2011. I trained hard, gave my all for that girl, and found out that after I didn't "make the cut" in the first camp for a fight, I had my gf break-up with me over text after discovering she had been cheating on me. Then, it happened, my best friend in that gym died right in front of my eyes. His name was Dennis Munson Jr, and he died later in the hospital after his fight from head trauma that I didn't truly discover until the next morning from another gym-mate. It was hard watching him become so delirious and "drunk" in his fight that I stood up in horror, and watched my coaches leave him in there, while the ref and ringside doctor paid him no heed until the entire match was over. 

 

I stuck around to go through another fight camp to honor his name in, what I hoped would be my first fight. My name got on the card, and I began to sell tickets and 20 sells were mandatory from that gym to compete. I asked all my friends in the gym who I backed through thick and thin, but not one of them would help me. they left me in the wind and cast me aside. Then I was cheated again, they took me off the card without reason and I had to leave the gym due to financial constraints. After that, everyone who I fought with, bled with, and laughed with all at once, kicked me out of their lives completely as if I never existed. Me and a few former members took a rise against the gym and their "actions" that I do not feel like detailing for the sake of space. I will say that current UFC stars and former members also took a stand with us, Pat Barry and Rose Namajunas. We also had the local newspaper conduct an investigation and caused some serious financial damage to the organization. For more details, google Roufusport Investigation(s).

 

After my friend died, technically right in front of me, repeated relationship games and other affairs, and the slew of personal deaths following me, I became so angry. I have been overly stressed, I have been very untrusting of a lot of people, I have become VERY short-tempered at the most insignificant of things, and that negative mood would last for hours. I have trouble sleeping sometimes, and find myself jolting awake fro no apparent reason like a bad dream of a startling noise. I just jolt up. I don't know why, but that is VERY annoying....I can't stop thinking about the incident, the betrayals, seeing my whole world as I knew it crumble to bits, lost so many people, I will openly admit, for the very first time out loud, these incidents....being so close together, have damaged me. I even took it upon myself to not rest until that gym is metaphorically burned to the ground for what they have done. But.....why can i not get out of my current person?

 

I put my foot down a lot more, which IS a good thing. However, my irritability, my inability to trust anymore, my relationship life not able to take off anymore...And I have this part of me that WANTS to one day try fighting again...but part of me says I couldn't do it anymore. I just don't see this the same way anymore, and I don't think I ever will. I used to be such a mild-mannered, humbled individual, and here is the result.......this angry, short-fused and now outspoken man. What do i do with this...?

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The takeaway from this is that your friend, Dennis Munson, Jr., died as a result of participating in this "sport."   When the NHL and NFL are being scrutinized for brain injuries, I cannot think of a "sport" more likely to produce them than mixed martial arts.  

 

There is focus on the NHL and NFL about brain injuries.   But no "sport" has a greater potential for producing brain injuries than mixed martial arts.

 

Look at Muhammad Ali.   He was one of the greatest boxers of all time.   But the punches got to him, and now he has brain trauma resulting from it.  

 

The punches and kicks would get to you, too.

 

Take this as a sign that God has been whispering in your ear to follow a different path.

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Exactly. These things have been going on long before the Romans and it's been ramping up.

Find a healthier path and start your voyage. Those that follow great, those that don't wish them well.

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What you guys don't know is that, unbeknownst to us amateurs and agreat majority of people in the state....Kickboxing is an unregulated, nearly underground event in Wisconsin. This being said, there are no laws regulating such sport. We all know there is risk for injury, hell, both of my rotator cuffs knew that. Death is NOT something that should spawn from some "kids" FIRST amateur bout, while his mentors slap him in the face in the corner and force him back out to the wolves where he stood no chance all in hopes of the chance that Dennis won't damage their reputation. I learned after that bout, that all the gym cared about was it's name, it's professional fighters, and it's reputation for victories. They ignored his pleas for help and let him get killed. If you watch the video, you'd see the same thing and ask "Why....?" On top of that, I discovered the gym owner had personally bought out his own ringside doctor and ref to oversee the event on the cheap, and used a private ambulance company called Curtis to work with any incidents rather than the city's company. This is more than just the fact that a bad "accident" took place.....to me it's the complete break off of trust and the realization that the people who all once called you "family" were so quick to throw you into the wind  right after you not only lose 4 people, your gf, and now watched your own best friend damn near die right in front of you....all because you took a stand for something. Within just a few months, 5 people have died, my friend got killed by complete negligence, betrayal, and cheapness of my coaches, everyone and everything I thought I knew all walked away from me(gym-pack mentality) and the ones who saw it the same. I KNOW there are health risks in this sport. This isn't about the sheer FACT that he's dead, this about WHY he is dead.

 

http://www.mmaweekly.com/video-experts-weigh-in-on-death-of-amateur-kickboxer

 

http://www.bloodyelbow.com/2014/11/17/7234867/mma-news-former-roufusport-members-speak-out-against-coach-duke-roufus-kickboxing-death-report/in/7003988

 

The second article gives a better "taste" of what the gym was.

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Wow.

I read the articles.

Sad and a sport I don't follow.

I hope you find a healthier place and sport.

Hopefully somebody will fix this.

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I suppose my questions here are: Why can't I let this go...? Why can't I seem to go back to being even-tempered, when now that I started to take even MORE of a stand for myself that my temper became so short-fused? I feel like I have this insatiable thirst for revenge against the organization, that won't be satisfied until that place no longer exists. I feel like I sound like one of those anime characters....What happened to me...? I mean this was well over a year ago already but this still bothers me.....I will say THIS much though. Ever since I came to understand the ROOT of the issue, I haven't had NEARLY as explosive anger-outbursts. It's a step, but what the hell became of me...? I feel like I lost my way and myself in all this.

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You need justice for your friend. That will help to some degree. A court of law may seem like a timid place for justice but the young mans family I hope are perusing this. 

 

As for the short temper I always get this when I am overwhelmed with feelings. You will return to some sort of normal eventually as you process your feelings around this and the other events you mentioned. This may take some time as the feelings generated are very powerful ones. 

 

It may be worth getting some group therapy (there are bereavement counselling groups) as lame as it may sound verbalizing your feelings and working out what is really going on for you will help a lot. 

 

Back later 

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So I have decided to take it upon myself to seek out a new gym for the sake of the training and sport. I am no longer desiring competition, I mean if it comes up who knows, but right now it's just for my passion of the trade. What is odd enough that after that choice, a slew of negative emotions have flooded my mind. All I can remember is the pain, betrayal of my peers, Dennis' death, the corruption of the old place. I think maybe I have't healed at all. Maybe I've been running away form the pain when I thought I was dealing with it by putting it behind me. It's a strange mixture of excitement, joyous giddy thrill of my favorite stuff, rage, resentment, hatred, longing....Good and bad, both very powerful in each emotion. I can't keep running away. I have to face the truth, accept responsibility. Maybe this is the only way i can get back the part of my soul I lost after everything happened back in Roufusport.....at least even the smallest fragment of the lost piece....Every time I thought about it prior, it was the same level of anger, but I pushed it way down and never brought it up. Now that I grow closer to rolling(grappling sparring) and Muay thai padwork, it's like two worlds are warring in me.

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Ok, so back when I said I was trying out that new gym, I went for a few days but it reminded me too much of what happned and I couldn't keep going. What sucks is that there is always this part of me that wants to pick up Kickboxing again that part of me never went away. But I keep getting all blocked up by this thing, I mean it's going on almost 2 years ago already and it still keeps me from practicing. I know competing is off the books for me, the old-school toughen-up style training we did in the old gym gave me acute trauma which has long since vanished, but needless to say I think my noodle took one too many blows from the heavyweights i was stuck sparring with. Regardless, even recreational training seems extremely difficult to comprehend after all that other stuff. I know fi I go in as a member I'd be very withdrawn and not getting close to the members on purpose, I just feel so mixed. On the way to work today I saw a police car pulling up to a scene and as I glanced out the window, out of the squads window I believe to be one of my former coaches. It most likely wasn't, but looked JUST like him in every way, haircut, goatee, his scrunchy chin. After that, a surge of old feelings came back and I'd been thinking about it all night smoking my cigarette listening to tunes that used to ramp me up on the way to train back then. Do you think that it's possible some things just don't go away? 

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I suppose my questions here are: Why can't I let this go...?

 

You have been engrossed in tremendous pain and upheaval for a very long time. Your brain can not simply switch off from that mountain of negative events that seem to be staring you in the face all day everyday. What's worse is that when you do try and force your brain to switch off and let go, you feel frustrated because it won't work. The cycle continues and you feel worse.

 

You need to work with your mind and with that I mean you need to gradually reduce the momentum of negative thoughts and memories. You know you can not change the past and you would do yourself a disservice in trying to seek restitution or prove someone wrong. So aim to let that go.

 

Please don't lose what should be your primary focus: YOU are whats important and you need to help yourself NOW.

 

This starts with actively participating in distracting yourself when you feel you are getting sucked into the vortex of negative thoughts. This is not about avoiding the thoughts and feeling bad because they surfaced. Instead, its about accepting how you feel and choosing to get busy with something else until the underlying thoughts pass. This is about being kind to yourself and helping yourself at the same time. 

This process is hard initially but start small- like work on some mini home project and get totally absorbed in it until you sense a shift has occurred in your feelings. The sense of achievement will naturally uplift you too. Practice doing this over and over. 

 

The objective is that over time, the momentum of high energy and negative thoughts is replaced by acceptance (as opposed to resistance) of them. In time, as the energy of your negative thoughts subside from your everyday awareness,  you will gain a balance in perspective and focus for the future. The beauty of this is that once you get a grip of this process, it is permanent.

 

If possible, try to get away from where you are and immerse yourself into a completely new environment. That will surely help but remember you have to be determined and on purpose to help yourself. 

 

I wish you much inner peace.

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I recommend you take up regular kung fu or karate, but forget that full-contact stuff.

 

Ronda Rousey was a great MMA artist--but she got her bell rung eventually.   Sooner or later, somebody bigger, stronger, faster, more skilled comes along--and will ring your bell.  

 

Nobody gets carried out of a shooting match or a chess tournament on a stretcher!

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I recommend you take up regular kung fu or karate, but forget that full-contact stuff.

 

Ronda Rousey was a great MMA artist--but she got her bell rung eventually.   Sooner or later, somebody bigger, stronger, faster, more skilled comes along--and will ring your bell.  

 

Nobody gets carried out of a shooting match or a chess tournament on a stretcher!

Ronda had a lot on her plate, and bad coaching, she can beat holly if she sticks to her judo, not trying to out box a boxer, that was her mistake. she'll be back

 

as for the OP, have you thought about seeking professional therapy? that was a big trauma to go through, usually after something like that you have to get stuck back in very quickly otherwise you never will. either that or you just have to push through the first through training sessions to get over it.

 

plus im a big rose fan, and shes fighting next week i believe :)

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I don't know about professional therapy. Things happen, and  it isn't as though I haven't survived everything I have been through. The fact is nothing will change the way I now see my old "comrades" for what they are. It gets better as the weeks and months go on, but it will never go away. It's just going to be stuck there inside, but for some reason part of me is ok with that. It says "I never want to forget where I come from" I pushed through my sessions fine, it was what I started feeling after I left the building and got into my car that came crushing down on me. Just a rush of old feelings, my friend, the way I used to see comradeship, everything I gave for them and everything they took, just everything I could possibly feel. It was partially my fault for actually believing in the false comradarie and giving so much of my effort in the name of the gym and people I believed in. I know with a new gym I'd just be suspicious of everyone in there and be that grumpy guy in the corner avoiding people. Normally I am not that kind of person, I am bright and chipper anywhere I go, but in there...I know I'd just be like Tom Hardy in Warrior, just a dark person in the back of class. I ran in to an old "friend" at a grocery store the other day actually, one of the worst offenders. She tried to spark up pleasant, but "obligated" conversation with me. All I could do was stare her in the eyes with this..."pissed off" look on my face and walk away when she stopped talking. I wanted to hear what she had to say, but I was better than letting it all go to make myself feel better...I WISH i did, but I know it's better not to.  

Side note: I'm more of a Cat Zingano man myself......call me pervy...but Me-OW...! Now THAT'S a woman! A LITTLE bummed that she bum-rushed Rousey in her title fight and lost at record time....but overall she's a beasty lady.

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WELL, I must say that my mind is made up. When I am financially stable to support it, I will be taking up kickboxing again. :) Some time has passed, and I had to ask "Why do you still feel that urge, that craving to get back out there?" Because I'm not done yet! For the first time in years, a friend and I went to see some local fights in the area. That's when i knew, it's over now. All that happened, all I used to feel, it's gone. One day, hopefully soon; my journey in becoming a fighter will become a reality. I already know the gym I am going to, and have been working on my conditioning. PLUS, while leaving the fights that night, I had the privilege of  chatting with the Women's UFC Straw-weight divisions #9 ranked fighter in the world; Felic Herrig. She was seeing one of her team-mates on the pro-card, so that marks the 4th UFC fighter I had personal communication with! 4 UFC vets in 4 years? THAT is pretty lucky if you ask me, most people only DREAM of meeting ONE in their entire life. 

SO, that being said, this thread is officially finished as the issue is resolved. Who knows, maybe one day I can make it into that ring and prove to myself I am still the fighter I know I can be!

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