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I Feel like I'm going crazy...

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I was sexually assaulted when I was 16 years old. I did have trouble dealing with it at first but it finally just stopped running through my mind. I'm 21 now and a few months ago I started having recurring nightmares of being raped again.. I couldn't understand why it came up out of the blue. I tried to not think about it so it would go away again but they keep getting worse. I've begun to dream about my friends and some of my coworkers hurting me.. and now it's constantly on my mind. I can't concentrate on anything because it just pops up and won't go away..

I feel like I'm loosing my mind.. I really don't know what I'm asking for with this. I just really need someone to talk to... I don't want to think about it anymore..

Anonymous poster hash: 86071...9ef

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Do you want to talk apt how you feel here? You don't feel guilty do you? Because some people feel like it's their fault but it's not. I can understand alittle bit of what you might be going through. I was never raped but I was sort of messed about once when I was younger and it affected me badly when I got a bit older. It's not nice. And it's hard.

You have to take care of yourself like you would someone else. Imagine someone else is going through what you are going through and what you might say to them to help them. Like, it's not your fault. It's alright. It's going to be ok. This is going to pass. It's not easy at all.

When you feel like you're going crazy. I've felt that way too before. I remember asking my partner at the time, am I going crazy and he was reluctant to answer. When you feel like that y ou have to tell yourself. I am NOT crazy. I'm ok. I'm going to be alright. I'm going to get through this. Maybe you are going through a nervous breakdown like I was..I had other things mixed in too. But cuddle into a pillow. Take extra care of yourself. Like you're taking care of the child inside you. Even us adults are like children inside. It doesn't matter what you do to cope as long as you do cope. I used to wear my fluffy dressing gown and slippers that I got as a present from someone. I found them comforting and I felt happy with them because they reminded me of the person who bought them. A reminder that someone cared.

Think about all the people who care about you. All the people who love you. And tell yourself you are going to be ok. I learnt myself that you are, what you tell yourself you are. So if you want to BE a certain way. Tell yourself you ARE that way.

Listen to music that helps to make you feel stronger or help you cope. And know this will pass. There will be a time where this will feel easier. From time to time it may crop up again. But it WILL get easier than it is now. Perhaps listening to some Louise hay would help. She was raped when she was younger and she is a sort of counsellor. She does tapes for people to listen to for self help. But she has things on YouTube aswell. I find some of them helpful. And incase. You do never feel bad about needing help. Everyone needs some help from time to time. You're reactions to what has happened to you are normal for the situation that you went through. The situation wasn't normal, it wasn't supposed to happen but it did and you're reactions are normal to it. There is nothing wrong with you.

wil likes this

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Try to listen to happy uplifting music or music that makes you feel stronger, that it's you up. Try to fight the feelings that you might have.do you feel afraid to do things? I used to feel frightened about everything.i was scared to go out. I was frightened all the time. But I had to fight it to get better again. I was afraid to go to college, so I made myself go. I was afraid of going to my friend's house back then. But I went because I knew that I should.i felt uncomfortable but I knew I should do it. It's not easy if you feel that same way. IF you do.

The thoughts that you remember. i used to lie there in bed curled into a ball and think about it. I could feel those same feelings. Like watching a video, going through the same things over and over. But we control our own thoughts. I found that I had to take control of them. I wasn't going through that situation in real life. But it was like a choice for me to keep thinking about it. Experiencing it over and over. In a way I was choosing to let myself be tortured. Like why should I let myself be tortured by this.it wasn't my fault I didn't ask for it. I didnt deserve it.

I think you have to try to find a way to accept what happened. You don't have to like what happened. But it's happened and you can't go back and change it. And maybe in time try to forgive the person who did it to you. To try and let go of bad feelings. That will probably take a good while. But forgiving can be healing once you feel ready to do it. To let go of bad feelings and move on with life again.

wil likes this

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With me I felt afraid of everyone. Especially males at that time in my life. I kind of worked up abit of a phobia. But part of me knew that these people wouldn't ever do that sort of thing to me. But I still felt frightened. You kind of have to work through that fear I think. You have to face it and breath. I used to get panic attacks. I was paranoid back then. But my frightened thoughts I had to take hold of them and flip them upside down.

Like sitting in the classroom with a male teacher. There wasn't many pupils in the class anyway but I was the only one who turned up. I walked in and when I realised no one was coming I opened the door and put the doorstop there to keep it open. I felt guilty for thinking the things I did about someone who wouldn't even do anything. He asked if I wanted us to go sit in the library. I had to make myself realise not everyone are bad. Not everyone are gonna to hurt you. I had to realise my thoughts weren't right. I felt paranoid. My thoughts were illogical.

I was walking up to the bus stop one day and this car beside me seemed to move when I walked and stop when I stopped afew times. I freaked out. I panicked. I froze I couldn't move and saw that car in the middle of tunnel vision. But then the car on the other side went by and then the car on my side overtook the parked car. He was going slow because a car was coming and not enough space to get through. That's when I told myself right I can't keep doing this. And every frightened thought I would breath through and tell myself that's not going to happen. It's fine. It's alright. And not to run when I felt panicked but I would close my eyes and breath, wherever I was until I felt just alittle bit better. I challenged my thoughts.

I don't know if you can relate to all of that, perhaps some of it? Just take whichever but help and leave what doesn't help. But another thing, when I started talking about how I felt I felt self conscious. Uncomfortable talking about it. But please know you don't have to feel like that here. We won't judge you and will just try to help you. You'll get through this. Sending comforting hugs your way. Don't be afraid to talk if it helps you. And if you like I could share some of the music that helped me? If you would like.

wil likes this

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I don't have a doctor.. I don't really know how I feel about the rape anymore. I hadn't thought about it in almost 3 years.. I try to control my thoughts and think of something else but I can stop seeing the image if him over me.. I am afraid of everyone.. the guy who did it was one of my closest friends.. but he was drunk and apologized.. he looked so broken over it so I told him just to leave me alone and I won't say anything to anyone.. but he was always around because we have the same group of friends.. he left me alone but anytime someone would touch me from behind I would just freeze and start to panic that it was him again.. so I stopped hanging out with them.. I don't know what triggered the sudden nightmares and thoughts... I thought things were going good for me finally... But since it's started I feel like its getting in the way of my life... I just don't want to remember it anymore... It happened and I know I can't change that... I just want it to stop..

Anonymous poster hash: 975d4...3ca

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PTSD can be like that. There doesn't necessarily have to be a trigger. 

 

I highly recommend talking to a doctor/therapist about it. Or if monies are an issue, go to a local church and ask to speak with the pastor. 

It sounds like you repressed the thoughts and emotions about what happened to you. And now they are reemerging. 

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But how do I make it stop? I don't want it in my head anymore.. I don't think I have unresolved issues with it.. I know it wasn't my fault and it's over with.. I don't know what caused this.. I'm scared because it's started interrupting my sex life.. I only get turned on if my boyfriend is rough with me. But if it's too rough I'll start thinking about it and it scares me but my body feels more turned on.. I don't want it in my head..

Anonymous poster hash: 975d4...3ca

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It will likely always be in your mind to some extent. It is a matter of learning to control your thoughts and emotions. CBT therapy can definitely help with that. 

 

Sometimes having the knowledge that something wasn't your fault and that is it over with, isn't enough. If you have never truly dealt with your thoughts and emotions, then they will always haunt you. 

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One of your fears right now is every male out there.   This guy you say was one of your closest friends.   And for one of your closest male friends to . . . well, rape you, makes you feel that all of the males out there are just looking for an opportunity to get you alone so they can assault you again.

 

I hope that I can disabuse you of the idea that he was a close friend.   No, he wasn't.   He was a predator looking for an opportunity--a wolf in sheep's clothing.   And being drunk?   You know what?   If a man is too drunk to "control himself," he is also too drunk to rape somebody.   That was a flimsy excuse.  

 

Believe me . . . this SOB has raped other girls and used the same d****d excuse.   Drinking is his "cover story."   Then he apologizes profusely and acts like he is remorseful.   Then he plots his next attack on his next victim.  

 

I wish you had pressed charges.   I understand how you feel, but now a predator is still on the loose.

 

I just ordered something from Cold Steel that would allow me to fix this "close friend" so he could never rape anyone again.

 

Right now, you need empowerment.   I suggest some martial arts courses where they don't just teach "dancing," but teach how to get down and dirty with the scum of the earth--and prevail.  

 

It is a core belief of mine that women should have a cell phone and a gun in their possession.   The cell phone can be used to call 911--but you need something to hold off an attacker while you dial.   Remember that when seconds count, the police are only minutes away.

 

If it hasn't been more than 2 years, you could still sue this SOB in civil court--and maybe still have him criminally charged.

 

He's not anybody's "close friend."   He's a violent person, a rapist, and just the sort of person who needs to be taken out of society and locked up for good.   And being drunk doesn't make you rape people.

 

I hope that you believe that 99.99 percent of males loathe this type of animal, and if they had seen you being attacked, would have beaten the dog crap of him.

 

Please believe that.

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No.. I promised I wouldn't say anything.. I thought since no one on here knows him it technically wasn't telling on him. I broke down upfront of one of our friends and almost told them till he walked in.. so I just left. That's when I stopped hanging out with them..

Anonymous poster hash: 975d4...3ca

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Unfortunately there are times when promises have to be broken. And this is one of those times. This will haunt you. Talking about it, and getting therapy for the trauma you have suffered it the only way to come to peace with what happened to you. 

 

I agree with Sherlock in that you should report him to the police/try to get him charged. That being said, whether you do that or not, that is your choice. However getting counseling isn't necessarily going to get him charged, but it will get you the peace you need and deserve. 

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Yes, you should talk to a counselor/therapist AND you should talk to the police.   You owe this predator n-o-t-h-I-n-g.   He violated your person.   Any "promise" you made to him is null and void--because (1) it was made under duress, and (2) his criminal actions release you from any such promise.

 

I assure you that this was not the first time he violated a woman.   I can also assure you that a man too intoxicated to "control" himself is incapable of sex.  

 

You know what?   I bet he tried to make you feel guilty for something.   That is the criminal's "MO."   Rapists will usually tell their victims something like, "You shouldn't have dressed that way," or "You shouldn't have left that window open."   Often they will "apologize" for "forcing themselves" on a woman . . . "I just didn't know what I was doing."   It's all BS, of course.

 

This guy should be put away.   He does not belong in mainstream society.   He will do it again if he is not stopped--and another woman will experience the same trauma.  

 

Let me be absolutely clear:   NO decent man sexually assaults a woman, under ANY circumstances whatsoever.   The men who DO assault women need to be rounded up and locked up forever.   They have already proven themselves to be unfit to live among the rest of us.

 

I hope you will do your part to get this predator off the streets.

jetmoo likes this

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The painful thing about it all is that he made it a perfect deed, even made you promise not to divulge his identity,

The truth is that virtually all rapists will claim their deed is a mistake, like ShERLOCK he wasn't drunk so much that he committed suicide because he'd lost control but made a victim instead. I say he deserves to be locked where necessary.

Not for you but to prevent others from getting hurt. He needs mental help too,

Concerning your mental relief; I don't think you just started thinking of it like that, there is definitely something that brought the thought and fear back.

Be mindful your kinds of songs, your kind of movies...

More so change your attitude towards sex or probably stop it until married(a bright opinion).

See a counsellor in school or a doctor with time.

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Take a deep breath and shout it out!

Like over coming your fears of being bullied into keeping this terrible secret.

The Police have training for this, I don't, but I do know how to deal with bulies.

You'll get your control and life back. As of now...he's been in your head. Or hit him in the face with a stick.

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Lot of good advice here. I definitely agree that it is not immoral or unethical for you to go back on your promise and report him to authorities.

It is morally unacceptable to do what he did and society owes you justice.

Furthermore, this man knows that he can occasionally 'lose control', say some words of apology and get away with making you, and other people feel the way you are now. This is not okay.

You are not a bad person in reporting him despite your promise.

You could prevent more harm by doing so.

 

It may also help you to understand what your body and mind are going through so I'd strongly recommend talking to a therapist.

It may help you to know that there is an evolutionary theory as to why your body is responding to rough sex. This is something I am studying at the moment.

Lay understandings of male and female sexuality are confounded by a false assumption that male and female sexuality is the same. Evolutionary theory and the empirical evidence we have say otherwise.

There is a theory as to why many women report their bodies responding to the kinds of unacceptable sexual behaviour that simultaneously cause them emotional grief.

I can share that with you if you're interested. But I'll need to know how much evolution you're familiar with :).

 

Things to keep in mind: What you are experienced is not unnatural or uncommon. Your brain is reacting to your experience in a predictable and expected way.

What you are experiencing is deeply unpleasant and there is someone who is solely to blame. But I want to make this very clear-

It is a naturalistic fallacy to assume that because...

1. some men can 'lose control'

2. your experience is common

3. your mental and physical responses are natural

... that what has happened to you is not morally wrong or justified. They are independent of each other. Society sets rules and you have a right for those rules to protect you, and for those rules to be enforced when they cannot or do not protect you.

 

I have close friends who have gone through similar negative experiences. They have all found therapy very rewarding and currently maintain healthy sex lives.

Good luck.

Padre J Roulston likes this

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I can't break my promise to him... I believe he was sorry.. I had known him since elementary school and he never did anything like that.. he was my best friend but he did something stupid...

I looked up a few doctors in my area though... I have to wait till Monday to call though.. I'm worried I won't be able to afford it though... So what could I do to make this stop if I can't get a doctor?

Any ideas would be better than nothing... I've tried everything I could think of..

Anonymous poster hash: 975d4...3ca

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I do think you should tell or Atleast think about telling someone. It could stop him from doing this to others and stop them going through what you are going through. It won't be easy but you need to tell someone. This is your life. YOU are important in your life. You need to look after you. You need to do what is best for you. If you don't, who will? He certainly wasn't trying to do what was best for you. It's wrong. It's awful that he has hurt you like this. But the most important person in your life is you. What if he does this to some of your old friends? And they are going through exactly what you are going through but each of them have also promised to also keep it secret?

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I don't know the details of the encounter, and I don't want to make you recall them.

I'll just say this.

Feeling sorry for something doesn't make it okay. This person used his physical power to violate your rights, then used his social power as your friend to avoid punishment. Of course he was sorry.

People who murder their partners do it in a fit of jealous rage. I'm sure they're sorry afterwards. Should they be acquitted if they feel sorry?

Wrongs need to be put right. This isn't just about you and him. It's about society and regulating norms.

What if you report him to find that other women have laid similar claims against him?

You can ask the court to give him name suppression.

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