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Losing what you always wanted

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Have you ever had a time when you felt like you had everything you ever wanted? Recently in the past few years, I had. After years of growing up somewhat a socially awkward and nervous boy, I had a rough time making friends, was the target of numerous bullies, didn't start dating until about 5 years ago, basically a late starter. I was always told by my peers that I wouldn't make it anywhere, I was too small, "who'd ever want to be YOUR significant other?", downed my whole youth. Call me an underdog, but I fought my heart out for years trying to prove them, and myself wrong, that I COULD triumph. I did. I had reached a place where everything was finally looking great, almost too good. It was like a dream, my study was nearing completion, my hobby and social circle within that hobby grew to nearly 200+ friends/associates, I was dating a girl who asked ME out after we tried twice before, I couldn't believe it, it felt so fast and unreal. I finally had everything I had always wanted....but there comes the term "too good to be true" or "the devil does not come in horns and a red face, he comes disguised as everything you always wanted." Long story short, some really nasty stuff happened, all back to back, deaths, betrayals, lies, everything seemed stolen from me....to save time and eye-strength i wont invest the details here, but everything I worked my whole life towards achieving, it all felt stolen from me. It put me in a downward spiral of hopelessness and hate. Periodically, I found myself listening to music from those days and just feeling nothing but hatred for everything and everyone who caused it, I sometimes found myself laying in bed at night damning God for all of it, dangling the carrot in my face and yanking it away after everything I had to go through. It was frustrating, debilitating. I always fancied myself a man who dusts himself off and tries again, heck, I've risked rejection for the same women multiple times when most don't even try once. But this....it crushed me. I work at it every day, but every now and again, I can't help but think.....think about what could have happened differently, what if "this" and what if "that", why this person and that person had to die, why the underdog couldn't just stay where he worked so damn hard to be, sometimes....I can't help but just think.....I do my days as I normally would, no interference or distraction, but downtime is when it hits me. What if this is the best I can ever do? What if I never make it to that place....I give my whole heart and soul, mean no ill will, try my very best, and the best I can produce is a C-grade result at best? What is that!? Sometimes, I just don't know what I am supposed to believe in anymore...I took measures to take a leap of faith of sorts. I removed my social media account, became a ghost to the lingering half-friends I had, and am just going to blindly take a step into a new direction and work with it....but....how can I come to trust in my cause anymore....I had it and it turned a vapor. I just don't know anymore.



Anonymous poster hash: 23dc6...371

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okay, a few things.

 

Do you think maybe the way people treaded you in the past effected your life choices.. You were always considtered the underdog, always looked down on, beaten down ect.. and you did what you did to prove to people they were wrong. Okay. But did you do it to be happy? "I was dating a girl who asked ME out after we tried twice before." thats not love.. thats not, hey I really likes this girl, shes awesome and I 'm happy for the relationship..its more.. the said I couoldn't so I did it. "She asked me" "I won something."

Get my point?

 

Thing is, those half friends don't matter. The people who bulied you don't matter. Even half assed relationships don't really matter. All that really matters in your life is how you feel, and what and who makes you happy.. quality over qunaity. 3 really awesome friends vs 20 half friends. One really special girl vs girls you tries with a few times.

 

Anywho, having made my point. Maybe everything falling apart was a good thing. It happened so you can reevaluate your life.

 

I had a really awesome mom that used to take me travling and was my best friend, my world revolved around her. I grew up and learned she wasn't even a very good person. I have had friendsips fall apart, I learned which were good friendships. And I thought I had it all twice. I had a great boyfriend, sweetest man in the world, he will always have a place in my heart, we went on adventures, was us against the world. Thought I had it all. When I reevaluated my life I realized that I anted to move forward.. wanted to leave home and get a job and explore the world.. and he didn't. So that fell through. Lost everything. Moved. Made great friends, was being social. Thought I had everything.. realized I was wrong, lost everything. its a little cycle of people dying.. fucking me over, or just having different goals and paths in life..

 

Yeah, that kind of devistation sucks. But because of it I've learned what kind of friends I want, what I expect from relationships, what I want in life. Everything falling apart gave me the oppertunity to try looking at life in a different way. I blamed other people too.. but in reality I could have done things differently.

 

Well, thats my advice.

Good luck to you dude.

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Thats just it, what I meant was it all felt so real. I had several associates within my hobby sure, but the friends(now half friends) that were kindled there felt very much a real thing. That girl I spoke of, at the time she was someone I really cared for for years. it wasnt a matter of a "numbers game" or trying to win a trophy/bragging rights. I felt it was my chance to give something good to someone else, the chances I never had before in my younger days. But perhaps you're right. They do say that things fall apart so something greater can come together. Look at lost loves, in our deepest moment of grievance just beyond a break-up, it never feels quite like there will be anyone else, that you just blew it big time without hope of recovery. What has life taught us? There can always be another...still, having everything you always dreamed of in such short time all together, then losing it just as quickly...it doesn't lessen the ache. I did it for both reasons. I wanted prove the doubts in my head how wrong their image was after being ingrained from my past...how should we say.....perpetrators?(The word isnt coming to mind) but also it was a hobby I dreamt my whole life of doing. Heh, I even recall a song I heard just before I found the outlet for that hobby, which drove it home even more, the intro starts with "It's just like you always wanted to be. Hitting the dancefloors all around the world where people can see you dancing. You are still on top, still a thrill. Don't stop you got moves to kill" It really was just like I always wanted to be. 

 

Please understand, it was a combination of both proving myself TO myself, and also living my dream. If I had to be honest, I think I proved myself more than capable, but the time shared was good. I do not have the heart to go back to it given the surrounding circumstances, but I think what got me the most was how the whole world seemed to crash down all at the same time. Deaths come at varying times, sometimes in the myth of "three's", some spaced out, but couple those with everything else. I suppose it was just overwhelming to take it all in at the same time. It almost felt like my sense of reality was shattered. I just have to step off the cliff edge and hope my wings will catch wind and glide again.


Anonymous poster hash: 23dc6...371



Anonymous poster hash: 23dc6...371

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What is the hobby?

 

I am sorry for your losses. Grief makes a mess of us all and forces us to consider many deep and unanswered questions.

My only advice is existential really.

Grief can be tied up with many complex emotions. Sadness from loss is easier to deal with, but when it is tied up with feelings of confusion, regret, and betrayal, things get a bit complicated.

Life does not owe us anything. It does not owe us happiness or lifetime relationships with our loved ones. When they are taken from us, it can feel unfair. What we forget is that the things that were taken from us where never ours to begin with and were never promised to us.

 

I can't really envision your situation but it sounds me that you have really done some good by yourself in the past few years and you are rightfully very proud of yourself for that.

If maximising the good in our lives is a meaningful purpose, then I think it would be shame for you to let recent troubles negate all the good you've made for yourself.

Some hurdles in life are bigger than others. Some might require us to stop and take time to reassess the jump, but ultimately the only way to our goals is by making that jump.

 

Lastly, people who do bad things are just like us. Wrestling with purpose, tripping over hurdles, and making bad decisions. Don't let the bad decisions of other people define you. They are carving their own future.

Stay true to the self you proved yourself to be.


 

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