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Guest romaina

trying to decide what to do!! Help urgently

27 posts in this topic

hi all

I have been with a guy for 2 years now it has been a long distance mostly but we would meet on and off..

He has been very disrespectful to me..not recently but for awhile..I live out of my home country and he says to me that only the beggars of our county who cannot make it in their own place go abroad..back when he spoke this way to me I brushed it off..then he started becoming even more insultive..and I just took it all these years and it became a norm..

He said to me that I am miserable and the most dull person that he knows..cos I am not a kinky girl and that he can do better than me,my reaction was always to cry and not let him break up..he has wanted to break up and everytime I stopped him..

He now has a issue with my work..he thinks my work is stupid and wants me to not go I work and etc he wants me to give him a date for a wedding..but my gutt twirls cos I know this guy will ruin my life.

I obviously have issues respecting myself which is why I have put up with his nonsense.now he plans to move to my city leaving all his work and family behind cos he promised he will..but then I still rem the things he said about ppl who did that..he says that he is coming to stay but my gutt says otherwise..now I want to break up with him..

Then he says to me that I string him along all this time..didn't let him break up when he wanted to..now I feel guilty..what should I do??

He wants to have kids ASAP I don't want to until I'm done with my studies etc etc

Was it me stringing him along all this time by not letting I'm break up with me when he wanted to and when I should have?? But it's only now that it's all sinking in??is it wrong of me to try to break up with him now? He says his friends will say I strung him along..I don't want to hear that..that was not my intention..

But everytime he wanted to break up with me cos I got so emotional and somehow we stuck together..but it was his decision too..so??

Pls help me

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IMO you staying together is a bad idea. He obviously doesn't respect you, and I'm guessing that your feelings for him are just infatuation.... Your desire to not be alone, rather than any true feelings of love. 

So with that said I HIGHLY recommend not getting married, and not having kids until YOU are ready. I don't even recommend moving in together. But if you do still move together, give it some time and see how the relationship develops. But don't expect his opinions of you to change. 

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Stringing him along means purposefully, selfishly keeping him in a relationship to serve your own needs.

Being in a relationship does not guarantee that you will continue being in a relationship with someone.

Not wanting to break up with someone at one point in time does not guarantee that you will not want to break up with them at a later point in time.

 

This man can be hurtful and manipulative at times. He wants you in his life clearly, though I highly doubt this would be a good relationship for you.

It's great that you can recognise that you have some self-respect issues. Everyone has their own history.

Because he is manipulative, and you have self-respect issues, you can tell that this relationship is a terrible match. He will use his relationship with you as a power source and manipulate you with it, maybe to do things you do not want to do.

 

By telling you he can do better than you, he is asserting dominance in the relationship. He knows you have self-respect issues and knows that if he can make you question your self-respect, you will become defensive and protective because despite how nasty he might be at times, your relationship is a source of comfort and self-respect for you i.e. 'at least someone respects enough to be intimate with me'.

 

Your self-worth should not be defined by your relationship status. Society tells women something different. I believe that if you prioritise your self-respect issues it will benefit all aspects of your life, including your relationships. Respectable men find self-respect sexy. A respectable man will see your confidence and ambition and he will want to lift you up and see you succeed.

Respectable men do not get irritable when their girlfriend doesn't meet their sexual desires (very few women do).

Respectable men leave relationships that do not suit them, not stay in them and complain about them.

 

Are you from Romania?

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I think you have read all of the above which are correct. You don't need this bully. He has strung you along not the other way around. He doesn't like or respect you. He likes his power over you. He likes to upset you & make you feel worthless.  makes you do as he wishes. It is long past time to be your own independent person, not his property. He is a megalomaniac & you are feeding his megalomania by encouraging it. Make yourself, your studies & your future your priority. Stay with your family, tell them how he has treated you, tell them everything, miss nothing out. Decide on a career you want to follow & make it work for you. You need protection from this creature not worthy of calling a human being. Why do you think you needed him? You must have had no other person to turn to & been extremely desperate for someone? You don't need anyone. You need to develop yourself into a confident independent skilled individual. Be kind & respectful to others but put yourself first. Be friendly but keep out of relationships till someone shows you that you are the most important person on earth. Megalomaniac has made you feel insignificant when it is HE who is worthless, mean & insignificant. The only significance he can be in your life is to cause you permanent/ lifelong. mental torcher & early demise, You are NOT safe with the creature. you are less than human to him. (NOT TO ANYONE ELSE) You may be the nicest person on earth, I wouldn't know. but HE has destroyed EVERY moment of your last two years & will continue to do so if you are in his sight. No other female will have him. You are a pushover in HIS eyes. He doesn't even like you. I am sure many other people do. I doubt he is capable of liking or respecting anyone. Learn the following & believe it. Be who YOU want to be, not who anyone else wants you to be. Anyone who doesn't like you as you are is not worth a nanosecond of your time so don't give them one

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thank you for the great advice and i feel blessed that i can turn to this group for it..i know what you all mean and now all i want is a way out..but how an i break this to him?

 

when i bring the topic up he would say that when he tried to break up i stopped him and now much later i want to break up..accuses me of stringing him along!

i really hate that accusation,he says all his friends would say that and they were right!

i dont know why i let it get this far but now i really want to get away from him nd from his abusive ways. i know that i dont want to endup with him. 

 

when in the beginning when everything was rosy he made plans to get married at  certain age kids at a certain age..but now those things are so far away from my mind,but he still holds me to them..he says but u said you would marry in 2 years kids in 3 etc.. when i would tell him things change he would say that then why did u say that you would do that???just to keep me around and waste my good years??

 

i feel like there is no way out..and he is not someone i want to get angry..

how can i break this to him? is there a way to explain this to this guy? cos when i go into long explanations he just says I'm nagging and ignores me!!

 

(will- no I'm not from romania)

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What I recommend is take him out for a coffee. Go to a coffee house to a secluded part, and tell him how you feel. Explain that your feelings have changed, and that things are over. You agreed to the marriage, and kids at a certain time, because that is how you felt at that time, but things have changed. 

 

I suggest going to a coffee house because it is a public place, and he won't be able to do anything abusive. It is safe for you. 

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Just say, "You know, we're just not a good match for each other.   There's no use in prolonging the relationship.   So it's dissolved.   Wish you the best.   And do not attempt to contact me.   This is my final communication to you.   Goodbye."

 

I was going to say, "Goodbye, you low-life POS," but I know that you are too much of a lady to do that.

 

The guy deserves nothing more.   He was cruel to you.   He is not a gentleman.   He is not a decent human being.   You owe him nothing more.

Ilse likes this

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hi again..

 

i did try to break up over email.but that did not work.he doesn't take me seriously!!he avoids the topic says he is busy etc

 

he kept saying he has to go and avoiding my calls and this conversation in particular for awhile..and i got buried in my work..and now just the other day he surprised me and said that he is here in my city! and that he has come  to stay..he says all those fights are int he past..and now he has made a huge decision and left his family and all his work/great life behind to come be with me cos THIS is more important to him.

 

i told him that given the nature of my work i wont be able to have kids etc the time that he wants..then he is asking me to give him a year/age that i can,so that he can plan his life and he is asking me to keep my word like he kept his by making a move to where i am..i told him,,i can tell u a rough date but i can't be sure..i mean i have to be mentally and physically prepared for that how can i give him a freaking date!!!>?? is this a common encounter in relationships? i want it to be team work..so we can decide together..but no its like he is giving a job to do and a deadline..and he also said that if i say a certain age and i cannot have a kid by that time he is "out of here"i asked him what that means..and he said it means that he will go back to his life back home..and what abut US..he said well u  can't keep ur word so why should i???

he asked me whats more imp to u work or family?? i thought that was an unfair question to ask..since i have not even started work and i am passionate about what i do..why should i  choose? i know i can make both work..

 

i feel totally stressed out..the other thing is he says he wants me to come and be kinky to him.i said I'm nt going to come over if ur telling me that ur going to leave me in the future then he said ohh no i wont i will do anything u want just come over and be my "slut" and everything will be fine! he sys he is a simple guy and all u need to do is be kinky..its like he dosen want to have a serious conversation he says it will be fine!!!!!!!!!

 

i still should break up with him i know..but i can't gt through to him without him avoiding it etc..when i talk about becoming friends he said i wasted his life he came all the way here and now look what i am doing??

then another time i told d him I'm not coming to his place he gt real mad and said that if I'm not coming over and wont do what he wants(kinky) he wont stay and that i lied and tricked him..and he blocked me from all social media!!! then after an hour he unblocked me and started acting all normal again..

 

I'm soooo confused stressed!!! there is  one i can talk to about this and feel ashamed that i let it get this far..but now i feel bad since he came all the way..i

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Stop talking to him. Don't email, text, call etc. And just ignore/delete anything you get from him. Do not reply. He'll figure it out. If he becomes more aggressive get a restraining order.

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You are doomed.   You do not have the courage to live life as it should be lived.   I hope that the chains with which you allow him to shackle you rest lightly upon you.

 

Yours is the fate of a woman who will not stand up for herself.   There is nothing else we can do for you.

 

And you are not willing to help yourself.

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It sounds to me like part of you still does not want to break up with him?

It sounds to me like he moved to see you because he sensed the relationship was nearing its end and he thought that travelling all the way to see you would be a good way to guilt trip you.

He knows what your weak points are and he is using them to control you and get his own way.

This is not a healthy relationship and you know this.

From the information you are sharing, it seems to me that you hold a problematic belief - that a man must agree with you in order for you to break up with him.

If gender equality is something you believe in, then the relationship has ended as soon as you decide that it has ended, not a second before, and not a second after. The man has to accept that, and respect the decision you make. If he does not, and attempts to change your mind, it suggests that maybe he does not respect women's choice and autonomy to make their own decisions.

I don't want to be rude, but it seems to me that you also hold this belief too. A sort of internalised sexism.

Maybe it's just low self-esteem.

 

If you want to end the relationship. Tell him it has ended. He isn't entitled to an explanation, and he isn't entitled to an opportunity to disagree with you and debate it.

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i have tried many times. 

he cries like a baby!! and says that he is all alone leaving everything behind for me and now i have abandoned him.

i feel like it s wrong to just drop him like this when he is all alone,i tell him to go home but he wont.. he says i just got here wait till i settle in and everything will be okay.but i have a feeling it wont.

from the time he came here i have done nothing but have him on the phone.he wants me to keep a online call running the whole day just to feel that someone is there and he is not alone.havent been able to function normally in my day since he makes me feel bad for leaving him alone.

he tells me how its cold and he feels all alone and lonely.and that i wont come see him all the time.which is not possible for me.

i feel that it would be a horrible thing to dump him in this situation.i know i want to do it but i just can't get myself to.whenever i try to talk to him about it he avoids it..

i guess it is low self esteem that I know I have.

Im just trying to work my way out of this.trying to sum up the courage.looking for some support.

thank you for all who didn't give up on me.

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STOP TALKING TO HIM!!! IGNORE HIS TEXTS, EMAILS, PHONE CALLS, AND VOICE MAIL!

For the love of God, this isn't that difficult. You've broken up with him. Stop dragging it out, just because he's acting out.
 

Edited by Padre J Roulston
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Im just trying to work my way out of this.trying to sum up the courage.looking for some support.

 

Do you have a woman's support group in your area? ie. focussed on domestic abuse etc.

The man has his own problems clearly, but these problems are his alone, it is your choice to help him with them or not.

Given the information you've already provided. I don't think shouldering the burden that this man is for you is a good idea.

It is not your responsibility if he feels alone when you leave him. You have no obligation towards him, regardless of what he might tell you eg. "you said he'd be together", "you lead me on"... None of these comments hold you to any obligation.

Are your family able to support you?

If you feel afraid for your safety, local police services may be able to provide you with the support you're after, even if it's just them calling him to give him a word of caution. Better safe than sorry!

Ilse likes this

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Get out of his clutches, any means possible.

 

Don't read his messages, don't respond to them.

 

Stop thinking that you have a responsibility towards him - you do not! Your only responsibility is your own safety.

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I would say flip the script on him. Whatever you did that made him want to leave you before, do it. Tell him you are so happy he wants to get married. You will quit your job and want 9 kids and then nag him endlessly. Annoy the shit out of him, start making lists of supplies he will need to get to prepare for the baby.

 

Give him special, cute, emasculating nicknames and above all cut off sex. Once that is done get supper clingy and fill his every last minute with chores and tell him you can't wait to move in together so he can really take care of you. You need to sour the milk so he wants to leave you.

 

Dropping a man is every woman's god given talent, you just need to get creative.

 

No risk of violence when he runs away ;)

Ilse likes this

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