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Too indenpendent

18 posts in this topic

I've been dating this guy for 5 weeks now. I don't like it when guys open doors for me R even buy me thing's. He is such a gentlemen. I'm very much an independent person everything I have is because I worked for it.. my independents get in the way of me having a relationship. My mother told me when I was younger to never depend on a man.   So I guess in a way I listened. 

He also is too nice. I can very much run all over someone they have to stand their ground. 

He doesn't do that he lets me run all over him.  

How can I stop being too independent? and how can I make him understand that he going to have to stand his ground with me sometimes? 



Anonymous poster hash: f2f4b...a33

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Communicating with him about it might help. I don't understand what your independence would have to do with running all over him. What does that mean? 

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I had the same issue in my relationship. I'm an independent loner and this guy was just the sweetest person ever. He did all those little romantic gestures, which, while flattering, also made me uncomfortable. But he also lacked an opinion and let me get away with anything I asked.. which isn't good.

 

I told myself I'd bend a little for him, and even get caught up in the romance. There were some moments that were absolutely fantastic because I let him be the gentleman. There were also times I stepped on him despite myself, because I knew I could.

 

I guess the lesson is a give and take. choose times to go with his flow, because its really nice to have a gentleman,  and times when you do your own thing. Let him pay one time and you pay for the other. And I'd sit down and talk to him about being more assertive. Relationships are about compromise from both sides, and communication. When you're out of balance is when things start to go wrong.

 

Or you have another option. If you value your Independence highly and don't want to change, then just communicate that to him. And if he cares about you for you, it's something he will accept. Its an odd concept for some guys, I think. Especially if he feels that he should ,or even just likes, to show you his affection though gifts and gentlemanly gestures.

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Every person in a relationship must always retain their independence because that is the full spectrum of character that we, not only operate from, but is the trait why the other person likes us.  A lot of the secret for long lasting relationships is to let the other person have their independence.  When we think of the other person with consideration, and do something nice for them, we fulfill ourselves in doing so.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend does something nice for you, it makes them feel good about themselves as it does you.  No one is trying to 'buy' you or run a kindness contest.  Let your mate be who they are and discipline yourself from turning something good into a disappointment.

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A lot of women do not prefer gentlemen, sad to say.   They find the rough and coarse guys more sexy.   Of course, they later learn that was a huge mistake, but in the meantime they have (1) made the nice guys feel that women are total hypocrites when they say they want a man who treats them nice, and (2) messed themselves up in more ways than one by hooking up with a loser.

Docteur Ralph and pady-oe like this

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Yeah,i dthink I've wrote the post out wrong. Its just very hard to let a guy do something for me. And in no way am i trying to change him. I like that is a gentleman, what i dont like is that when he has a problem with me and dont tell me. but talks to my friend about it and she will tell me.

Anonymous poster hash: f2f4b...a33

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Could be just a bit of nervousness or fear from his end. I know personally, for a while, I had been "trained" so to speak; to be afraid of losing someone because of my own needs. It happened over and over and for a time I said to myself "Stop making a stink, it may not be important enough to bring it up, but MAN it DOES still bug me though". Probably just him letting off steam or something, and perhaps he thinks that your friends know a bit more about the "inner you" and the subtleties that may be discussed through "girl talk" or what not. I think he just doesn't want to rock the boat too much. Take this as an important stepping stone to build this relationship. Have a sit down with him about these things one on one and see if you two can find a common ground, to me it all seems to be just some misunderstanding. As for the gentleman traits....I have to say that some men have been fortunate enough to have been raised in such a fashion. I don't eve think twice about catching a door for someone, it's just a lifetime of habit and good manners. Trust me when I say that is a character trait you do NOT want to lose for some silly reason or another, there are not a lot of us left in this world, we've become a scarce resource sadly.

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So he lets off steam by not talking to me about thing's? We are just still geting to know each other. We aren't official just yet. He also is clingy he always wants to be near me touching me. Thats one thing i can not deal with all the time.

Anonymous poster hash: f2f4b...a33

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Hmmmm.   Do you define a man who desires female affection to be "clingy"?   

 

I think your biggest problem with him is that you do not think he gives you honest feedback.   And he probably doesn't, because he feels he would lose you.

 

Could you provide him the reassurance that if he tells you how he honestly feels about things that he won't get immediately dumped?

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Its a definite no-no for him to discuss his dislikes about you with your friend. Best is for you to talk to each other and discuss these things together, instead of running off to other parties to intervene and 'fix' the relationship. Sit him down and tell him how his actions makes you feel.

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I say he clingy because he wants to be touching me all the time and follows me around.

He makes planz to go out in dates with me but he dont tell me. He just assumes i can drop everthing for him.

He can't get dumped because well like i said we are not official. The things he talks to my frind about is my clouthing style and that i work to much. I try to talk to him about it but he changes the subject.

Anonymous poster hash: f2f4b...a33

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Much to my disdain, he sounds like how I used to be. I was the same way once, just because the idea of someone actually giving a cr** in a romantic way was just so exciting that I got a little...eh....fast paced so to speak. Comparative to say, an immigrant from the middle of nowhere coming to America for the very first time at the age of 40, but lands in New York at night with all the lights, all that noise, all these skyscrapers reflecting it all, all the people, all the excitement, and then the inner-boy comes out of him. Try not to hold it against him too much. It COULD just be overly-eagerness, which isn't necessarily an issue. He probably just doesn't know his own "love strength" as I put it, I know I sure didn't. If you have to, when he tries to change the subject, make it a sound and blunt point to keep the conversation on track. Sounds coarse to be very direct and "foot stompy" that way, but it worked on me, that snap of reality that says "woah she isn't fooling me here...." it might even be a case of his own past history kicking in, and he's avoiding it for embarrassment or fear, as Sherlock said before, of possibly losing you like his history dictated. As guys, we're obviously a bit rougher in some ways, but we got some tender-spots that can get warped very easily by a few bad instances. I've done the same thing too, made a goof of myself because opening up and me spilling my guts killed off a few things I felt were going great.

wil likes this

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Well he got upset this week and stoped talking to me. He said he wants to be with a girl who dont work 45 hours a week.

Anonymous poster hash: f2f4b...a33

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45 hours a week is something he cannot deal with?  

 

Now we know all we need to know about him.   Time to drop this guy, as he would be like a huge anchor dragging you down.  

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