holyburd

Lost belief

2 posts in this topic

I'm not sure how to begin this, but many already know a good portion about me so I'll leave the length brief. I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore...I mean I have my causes I fight for, principals I hold dear, but in terms of other people and what I believe in, I'm losing grip on where I stand in the world. I had a lot of nasty stuff happen all at once, numerous people died in a short time, I lost a good 80% of my "contacts" because they all associated with a place I now hate. Other people I used to call friends just turned a vapor on me as soon as I found my new(current) job. It feels as though I've always been just the "guy you put up with" in life because he's got a good heart, but is too (insert reason) to be anything else. Friends who made life so full of happy energy just turned ghosts in heartbeats, never to be heard from regardless of what you do. People who you would speak to fondly just days prior and then boom, gone. I gotta say, the silence no longer surprises me these days. A lot of my life goals have fallen to shit and not through lack of fighting my ass off. I FOUGHT for everything I have, but I seemed to always get just close enough to nearly put the tip of my finger on it until it fades away completely, whether it be my dream car, my sport, love....I feel like I don't know who to trust anymore, like I've shelled myself up to the world. 

I don't know who is worth trusting anymore, and even if this goal is going to work out. I was watching an old movie called The Negotiator(GOOD movie btw, check it out if you get the chance) and a line in there really stuck out to me. "When you're friends betray you, sometimes the only people you can trust are strangers." I just don't know if I WANT to open up to newer people. Some said it was just "me wising up to the world", but you just get tired of losing things over and over.  It's true that some things fade with time, people change, but what's the point of getting close to someone if you know that in a few months/years you won't matter to them anymore? I'm having severe doubts about a lot of things.

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I feel you. Think we all feel like that in a way. Some part of us wants to belong, be part of a group, a tribe, whatever you want to call it. On the other side, life is just one big superficial rush. People tent to dart from the one group to the other, while some of us just want the consistency o a long and lasting and meaningful friendship, relationship.

It takes time, it takes effort. It takes a thick skin too. Just realize that none of this is a reflection of you. This is the one mistake we all make. Been there got the t-shirt, over and over. End of the day (lucky for me), I know my worth and I have some close to me, who makes me realize, I'm not so bad. I just do not have control over others.

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