holyburd

Why am I bothered?

3 posts in this topic

Have you ever had moments in life where you are basically hitting a usual phase in life but for some reason it just stresses you out more than the other's before? I feel I am in a very critical phase of my developing prospective future right now. I'm looking to get into my dream career that I've worked for all my life, from sacrificing poor friend-connections(drug abusers and party animals) to dedication to my studies and route into the trade. Sadly, as of this point, my career is rather difficult to get into. Multiple attempts and many places only accept 1-3 at a time out of the number of applicants ranging in the 50-1000 margin depending. Add in lack of experience in related fields spells limited chance right now. Right now, money is very critical.

Well, my dad retires from the same trade this October, and for now I have been living at home to save money while still paying rent for money to use on living quarters. My plan was to buy to home I grew up in when my folks have the means to leave state. What better way to own your first home than A: get it from where you live now B: Buy it off your own folks and C: Have the home you grew up in? Perfect, right? Not really. See, nobody knows where the money sits, and my expenses for upcoming courses isn't cheap. Naturally, this leaves me a bit tense with uncertainty.

 

But, as you may suggest from my series of different tangents that what was read above isn't the primary topic today. More-so building a stress-ometer to paint a good picture with all the pretty pastels and brushes. Now normally most people would divert their attention into these real-world problems that have actual impact on their future. I am. Believe me, I've even been told I overthink it sometimes going in circles at every possibility and it's variants. What I am focused on right now, for some GOD forsaken reason is who I was before all of this.

 

What I mean is, why am I so wrapped up in trying to hold on to old things, old conditions, old friendships which left me of their own volition a long time ago without a single good-bye, holding on to the simplicity of how things used to be. I know this is stress talking, and a lot to deal with regarding the above and my temporarily declining social circle....but why is this my bother vs the real problems? Why am I so focused on "what was" vs "what is"? Right now I feel like what happened before all this....like I lost something. I remember a younger me a few years ago adamantly fighting for this developing future, he couldn't wait to change his possibilities and become a better version of himself. Now....I don't even know how to say it without sounding infantile. So why? Why does the memory of "what was lost", right now, seem to bother me more than 'what could be"? Here I am, with an unknown time-limit to get this all sorted out without being able to control much of it. I have this potential for great things, but limited access right now. I have these ideas and nothing to work with. All of these things, and I'm so focused on parts of the past, social-relations that up and turned to ash in the blink of an eye. I got bigger fish to fry than something to petty, i don't understand it.

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People have a natural aversion to change. It's some kind of coping meganism to want to cling to the familiar. Especially in times of stress.

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I wouldnt say those are petty things,afterall they were a huge part of your life at one spell. Maybe you are a little stressed. Dont be to hard on yourself. Take it one step at a time.

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