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I love a man that I do not know

9 posts in this topic

Since the first day I saw him, he's scared me. Go figure, I scare him too.

Our first conversation, dreams and what ifs, not even hellos. I only want to know you, I don't know why. But yes, you're the kind of guy I'd fall for. Why do you talk with me the way you do?


And then he said, come over. Come talk to me. At night when thats time for secrets and deep talks and other things. This is the only night I have to give away, and I'm alone. I'd like to spend it with you.

"I'm sorry, no.." You don't understand. I can't trust you. why do I feel like I trust you? I don't do this.

He thought I didn't trust him. But I don't trust myself.  I already lost somone so close once, and I was the one that broke him. You don't understand.. im sorry, no.


And off goes life its separate ways. Untill another conversation.  and another. Do you like me? I do, but.. but you don't understand. I care more than words. I don't just want to write to you. I don't just want to talk with you. He says sorry, I don't have time now.


A happy moment. Another day. I ran up to him. Would you like to spend the day with me? Yes. Yes but a thousand buts. Yes, but I don't have time. Yes, I'll give you this really awesome date idea, but I wont be there, you should take someone else.


Then life happens.. then depression. All alone again. Playing with my demons again. Counting each step it takes towards living like its monumental effort. "You said yes, but let me show you what you would be agreeing to." I understand if you don't want to be my friend. He said yes, he would be, then never spoke a word.


Time moves on, I'm lost in my self destructive spiral. He's dating a friend. Walks in with his little boy for the first time, and I fall in love with this little boy. we start playing tag and peeka booh.


I wrote him words. Mean and cruel and guarded as mine often are. I like you but youre a fucktard. And I don't trust you and you scare the hell out of me but I want to like you anways and you always say yes but your yes is just as contradictory as mine and I need an actual answer.


But he doesn't understand. He has no idea how much I care, and that my caring is a problem. I can't care for something so deeply and have it all crash down around me again.. and I lose my breath when I''m near him, and I don't know why. So I guess I will just tell him. This man I've never actually met. These conversations I've never actually had, because theyre all written words, these feelings I don't understand


I'll tell him and ask for an answer. And this answer is final. Yes, or no. If you say no, I'll never even care enough to look your direction. I'll never ask you another question, I'll never try to know you. You'll never get hurt from my self destructive tendencies and  silly walls. I'll never get hurt for knowing you. We will never go beyond hellos and work conversation. But if you say yes... I want to know you. All of you. My company, thats all I've got.


So what do you say?

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Move on.


Life is so damn short.


I'm pretty sure I was 19 yesterday and now I'm 25. I sure as hell wouldn't have spent so many years hung up on the fantasy of relationships that were not meant to be if I could do it over again.


Be with the people who want to be with you.


If they can't make time, then stop.

Ilse and pady-oe like this

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It sounds sooo complicated! Sometimes you need to simplify and speak plainly.


You sound very intelligent and unless I am mistaken have a keen intellect, this can be a burden sometimes. Throw caution to the wind and stop worrying about potential scenarios.


and above all, stop trying to protect others from you. They have the ability to discern that for themselves, all you are doing is removing yourself from what might be a good thing.


Good Luck.



Ilse likes this

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A loves B.   But B loves C or just plain doesn't love anyone.  


So A must move on and keep an eye out for D, or E or F . . .

pady-oe likes this

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Our lives are finite on this earth.   We are allotted so many years to find a decent life mate.   If we lived 10,000 years, we could wait a few decades on a potential relationship--but a few decades in our own short lifespans is too long to wait.  


Even a few years.


If it is right, it feels comfortable.   If you have to bend fire pokers into pretzels to make it work, then it isn't the right thing for you.   A solid relationship is like putting on your favorite pair of sneakers--no "break in" required!


When a person is a "bridge too far," it's time to reevaluate one's goals and priorities.


Given that we CAN fall in love with the wrong person, we have to make sure that we do NOT do that!

Ilse likes this

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