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Feeling "tolerated"

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Have you ever felt like the people you used to know just "tolerate" or "put up with" you? Maybe they were classmates of yours at one point, or co-workers you say daily. Face to face all seemed well, until the day came where you part ways but you still want to keep up. You try to call out for them but essentially there is just silence. Plans of get-togethers, but not even an "accept or decline" to join your group outing. Just silence. Then you realize that all you knew was most likely one fat lie because it was convenient. Have you ever had friends like that? People who would par-take in your life because either they thought "they had to" or "had nothing better" until "better" came along? 

 

Frankly, I'm getting tired of trying to do this. I don't open up like I used to because I let this happen one too many times. Now? I think people look at me as if saying "why are they so......weird and distant? What's their problem???" Because I feel like if I do anything otherwise, it's just going to be a repeated of everything I already dealt with. On one hand I feel that I can see the crummy people and the shallow intention, threw up walls to be smart. On the other, I see a longing version of myself who is tired of looking at their cellphone 1.5 years later and not a single call/text. No mail, no emails of messages. I don't even use my cell for personal business. It's just an emergency device in case my car breaks down or something like that. My cell carrier advised a phone upgrade and increasing my plan, and I decline politely. I walk out of the shop back home, and think "You kind of need a reason to have extra texting features" I feel like one big baby right now, but I am so tired of trekking in life on my own. People tell me I had some really bad friends who didn't care....but I'm so tired of trying to find any more. How long do i have to do this while those same people have 10-12 at a crack without even trying? Do they not even see how disheartening that is to someone like me? Part of me wants to just bury my face in work and forget this completely...

The truth is I've lost more people from 2013-2016 than I have from 2003-2013. THAT sucks



Anonymous poster hash: 8d60f...318

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I cannot give you good news regarding this, because it is what people do. It seems there is this tendency when you walk out the door, you walk out of their lives. Causes I can just assume. Every time I walked out if a job it was with the knowledge and conviction of closing the chapter completely. It seems people tend to just concentrate on what is right in front of them. It it involves any extra effort they avoid. If I look at them I realize that it is mostly the ones that actually have family ties that ties to still keep contact. Or the ones I really had an extra special bond with, but even then the contact is few and far between. It should not be taken personal. I remember when I used to work and someone left, it was with sadness that I saw them go, it always felt like a final parting. The knowledge of what the work entailed and still having to balance it with your private life left little to no time or energy for anything else.

What I do when I miss them is go to the work place to see them there. I'm always welcomed with open arms. Do think it has a lot to do with the place itself, the work environment. That is where we had our relations to each other. People are scared when it comes to things like that, how they will act in a different environment.

Another bit of advise is to when you do talk to them, not to talk about yourself, but about them. I've found that they do not cope well in knowing one had moved on and made a success outside of the environment they are stuck in. I cannot say it us jealousy or resentment, just a fact that they did not take the leap of getting off the treadmill. So they seem to be in need of some kind of validation that them staying is okay and that you are fine with it.

Furthermore it takes huge effort to keep in contact with people. If you do get the upgraded phone it might assist with this. Social media can play a role, but also only to a point, especially with working people. If you watch them you will note that the only times they come online us either for a couple if minutes after hours or on weekends. Basic to remember is that time is not their own, it belongs to the company they work for. So to get someone to share their time with you, a working relationship as basis is not enough. They still have their other colleagues that stayed behind to fulfill that need. So you will have to make extra effort to get them to share valuable time with you.

All thus being said, it in no way means they see you, think of you or experience you as anything less. They most likely miss you too, but just do not have the time or frame of mind to act on it, always being in a rush between work and home.

Gone. likes this

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Well, a few of them I dropped in on one day to see my "old gang" and catch up. All seemed grand and we chummed it up like old times, and I suggested we all get together, the original people from the old days. Everyone was on board, good. Well I go back home, and a day or two later I start asking around at whose down for what. A few replies, naturally I figured they may have just wanted to side with whoever says what(I'll have what he's having) sort of deal. Ok, so it gets closer and closer, less people chime in. The few who put up the biggest noise when i saw them in person turned the mutes. Not one peep. In the end, me and ONE guy met up that night out of the rest. So, for me it's a case of fake, shallow behavior. The cliche of "having conviction and being real" UNTIL said person or problem is face to face, then it's just smiles and buttercups. THESE are the people I know. I don't socialize in my company now, I grew more professionalism since years ago. Still, it makes you wonder with people like that how much of them being friends was actually them being thee, or feeling like "they HAD to do it". And the way I see it, you make time or the people you care about. If they haven't even spent so much as 30 seconds to reply to texts or messages, sent over a 4 month span......hey that's obvious enough to me. Here's the kicker. I'll wait, and wait....and wait.........finally when I remove them from any contact list I have, suddenly it's "WHY did you do that!?" So...you noticed a delete....but you ignored ANY form of talking or meeting, not a plan change proposal or anything. Just silence and I"M supposed to just be ok with that treatment? You don't do that to people you call a friend.



Anonymous poster hash: 5036e...781

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Hey Anon,

 

I get you, I've had that happen too. A lot of my pals are in the military and get posted around and we just drifted apart. Facebook is the extent of our friendship now. When you put yourself out there and it is not reciprocated, it becomes very easy to stop putting yourself out there. Some of those 'friends' only call me when they need a favor. I consider this shallow and using a person.

 

That being said I try not to overthink it, as I have been guilty of not responding myself. Sometimes it was deliberate, other times just an honest oversight.

 

Some that still contact me, I kinda wish would stop. Not to be inconsiderate, but one calls me or stops by my home, always to show me his new car, or brag about this and that.

 

Ultimately whether inadvertent or not, someone not answering is saying you are not important enough for them to do so. That is hurtful but, is a good way to figure out who your true friends are.

 

Hawk  

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Can you think of anyone you've treated in the same way?

 

Relationships don't have to last for ever. Relationships are about reciprocation. There's no need to see a relationship with someone as set in stone, or as some kind of agreement. Relationships are flexible and constantly changing things.

I have some strong, close relationships with people. Others I have more superficial relationships. Sometimes my relationships shift their status from one to the other if I lose touch with them.

 

It's difficult in this day and age not to let our relationships define us.

I think that if we are going to let our relationships define us, then we should expect our identity to be just as fluid and dynamic as our relationships :)

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