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Silverset1987

I mentally drain myself with resentment towards myself

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I keep tracking back on my past and get angry for not doing things what wouldve seemed the 'right' way. I keep wishing to change things which I can't change. Like examples 

In school not complaining to the management team about a teacher who was not following the curriculum and used lessons to talk about his person life, was deluded and predicted one student an A when and she got an F and many people failed in their subject because he would never teach or interact with students. He would use the entire session talking about his personal social life and didnt care about my educational needs.

I felt angry for not being able to do my wedding bouquet when I had a wedding and kept wishing I could change that

All the time the topic changes in my mind and I reinact the scenario in my head how I wish I resolved the issues and then I feel really frustrated. I feel stuck in the past and it feels so real and alive in my mind, including of events which have happened over 10 years ago. I feel trapped in my mind and addicted to wishing I had power and control of what cannot be changed, and then feel hopeless because I dont have it. Wishing to want to go back and make change feels addictive, even though deep down I know it can never happen as the past is finished and gone now.

It gets to the point it makes me feel ill inside and yet I want to move on but feels like a struggle to because I find it hard to forgive myself for not being how I wish I could be and solved things 'perfectly' in the past. I always struggled with being assertive too and continously feel i left myself down for not sticking up for myself enough. I always feel disappointed with myself and also towards those who have wronged me, even at times when it probably was not intended. 

and because I've been unemployed I think about things more which hasnt helped. 

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It´s sometimes difficult to have to face oneself. Many people feel they go insane when they actually have some time to think. This is merely a response to the slowing down. We discover that we have a whole library of unresolved issues. 

It´s possible to explain all this, but it takes a very long time. 

I think you should focus on venting your frustration. Talk about it, write about it, sing about it or whatever. Eventually it will calm itself down a bit and not have as much power anymore as you start dealing with the matters. This post is a good place to start if you are unaccustomed to it. I suspect that this is also the lighter ammunition and i´m sure that there are cannons and bombs down in the basement that might be even more difficult to deal with. Thing is, if it merely stay there it gains power. When it is released into the open we can change it into something less disturbing and thus we regain charge of life and direction. 

 

I have longstanding experience of being stuck in the past. Taken a lot of time to turn it into experience and learning instead. Somehow i wish i started sooner, but things seem to happen when one is ready for it. For better or worse that is. If you do not come willing when the time is right you will be pulled kicking and screaming through it. 

 

 

 

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been that way for years.. quite frankly..i learned to forgive myself for how i lived my crappy past thinking/feeling about the past.. because.. no matter how hard i tried to get over it.. it lingered like a monster embedded in my brain.. took me a long while to just be " hey forget it, focus on whats on now and whats coming ." tho i dont have a better way to say it.. the past is a forgotten wasteland while our memories just brings it all back. .. just dont.. move along.. its not easy to comprehend at first.. but in time it'll make alot of sense.

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We all experience this. Nothing wrong with wishing better times and things. I think it's a learning process. Be it a teacher, co-worker, neighbor or family member. I've been told the secret is to have enough positive things in your life like hobbies, trips or lunch dates, that it doesn't allow you the time to focus on the negative:)

Just push through and run to the beach:)

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This is a common thing, as the other responses indicate.  I'm always wishing I had the wherewithal when I was at a certain age to do certain things, not just because they were strictly speaking the better choice, but also I wish I had taken paths that would have been better for my development as a person at that critical stage where my personality was forming.

I can say with a certain confidence that dwelling on these things hasn't helped much. Being unemployed is definitely not great for not brooding and dwelling on things.  I guess try and use your free time to get a job.  I usually throw myself into a hobby or something to avoid this sort of thing.   If you're a reader, try picking up a book.  Make a new friend, join a club, etc. 

 

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