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Guest dilema

get back?

21 posts in this topic

My bf and I just ended our long term relationship.

we had many issues for a long time and he called it off just yesterday after a horrible fight.

Today he calls me back,apologising frantically for everything and telling me that he did not mean it,lets ge back together.

I can't imagine my life with anyone else but at the same time I also have this pit in my stomach that tells me its not right.

I told him I don't want to get back with him right now. and I need space. he asks me what does that mean,its vague does it mean you will get back with me later? a year? 2 years after? he tells me how he does not want to waste anymore time.

I agree but I feel that now is not the right time,just the day after to give him an answer about getting back. I also feel terrible about feeling this way, I have him in the back burner,and I dont want to do that to him.

he says that if I wont get back with him now its never because he wants to move on.find himself someone else.and cut all contact with me.which i find quite brutal. I can't imagine not talking to him at all. I have spoken to this man every single day for the past 4 to 5 years,first as friends then as a gf.

 

what can i do

 

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it depends what your problems are and if you can overcome them.

What worries me most is his desperation to find someone else if he doesnt have you, does he just want to have someone, no matter who?

If your not feeling it then dont get back together, no point being half hearted and miserable, only to break up again a few months down the line

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He constantly tells me that he is getting old and wants to marry and have kids.

he is 31 years old and is in a rush

he also blames me for all the time we spent together calling it a waste of time if we don't make it work.

all of this makes me feel really bad.

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thats emotional abuse. Can you put up with that for the rest of your life? 

this is about what YOU want and where YOU see yourself in the future, if its not with him then end it.

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My advice is that, because you have reservations, to move on. Like @Nix said, that is emotional abuse. And if he is abusing you now, that is likely to continue, and possibly get worse. 

If he truly loves you, he would want you to be able to have the time to come to your own decisions. 

Good relationships are built on the trinity of: Trust, Communication, and Mutual Respect. This is true for all relationships whether romantic, professional, familial, fraternal, etc. And if one pillar is missing then the relationship is going to be miserable. If more than one is missing the relationship is almost guaranteed to fail. 

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It sounds to me like this isn't the first time this has happened, its probably been going on for a few years. The lad wants to commit but your holding back and the question is why?

Granted he shouldn't have gave you an ultimatum, but it sounds like you have been dangling him on a string. He wants to spend his life with you but you have your doubts ,that is going to tip anyone over the edge. 

Men/Women will use all manner of tactics to get some control. You need to seriously consider putting this man out of his misery. One way or another someone will get hurt.

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We did have a couple of intense fights. Apart from that we have a good relationship.

initially he was having difficulty with his job and was transferred interstate,there was a lot of pressure on the relationship.

we had heated arguments and was always paranoid about staying away from me.he didn't like me around other guys that I had to work with at times.

I had enough of his crazy and finally after many fights I agreed to end it.

And now he swears he has changed. the dout I have is that, has he? I am afraid that I will have to deal with it again. it was a very stressful and troubled time,where I had to keep my relationship alive and my work going.

I guess it is keeping him around without a word,and it is not fair.

But how can we trust so completely that this person will not make the same mistakes again?

I am so familiar with him. So I want to try everything to try to fix it but this crossroad I am just completely confused.

 

 

 

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Before I was married to my first husband, he did the same thing.  He told me that he was ready for marriage and kids and that if I wasn't, he would move on.  

There was a five year age difference between us; we had been dating for 3 years and had been "engaged" for 3 years.  I got engaged because he wanted to "move forward" so badly, and I was completely okay with a very long engagement.

He gave the ultimatum and we got engaged.  He gave the ultimatum again, and I started planning a wedding.  

Our marriage lasted for three years.  I left him because he was an alcoholic and abusive.....

That was in 1998.  He has since contacted me again and we have talked some.  He's never remarried or even been in a serious relationship with a girl.  Because of things that happened during our years together and after; and because of what people have told me about him....I'm sure he's gay and just hasn't had the courage to "come out."

One of my friends, who lived down the hall in the apartment building from us, told me (after we were divorced) that my ex husband had propositioned him.  The manager of the apartment building, who saw everyone's comings and goings, when I asked "has he cheated?" said, "He's a big guy and I don't want to make him mad by telling you anything...."

There were many other things too....

I'm not saying that your man is gay or anything....I'm just telling you that you need to listen to your instincts and pay attention to logic over your heart; and that's it's completely okay to move on....

Good luck to you

Padre J Roulston likes this

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Pepper jelly,thank you so much for posting here.I never thought of my situation from this angle, focusing on the logic it does seem the wise thing to do is to move on.,but my desperation to make the thing she dreamed of as a young couple,come is making me explore all options and reach out for help in every possible way.

I always thought that I was the only one in a relationship who was forced to make a "deadline"the ultimatums that stressed me out regularly. I always thought of it as a sweet gesture of his need to make me his asap.but after reading all the comments here and having a lot of time to think about everything that has been going on I think I will keep my distance from this man.

I was always coached by him to think that in a relationship,one is responsible for the other,and all these years I have worried myself sick in everything that happened with him,but thinking back I wonder if he did the same for me.and now I feel like a  parent! who is cutting off a child! that sounds pathetic but it does actually truly describe the way I feel right now.I worry about what will happen to him now.andi hardly think about myself.

I feel like I need to learn to love myself and care for me. but the just wouldn't let me.

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we broke up. he still wants to get back, then four weeks later he talks to me like I'm a stranger and tells me how he can't wait to meet new ppl.

i feel like I'm dead inside.  thought it would be liberating to get away instead i am an absolute mess and feel like i have lost my way/purpose in life.

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thats just the initial shock of losing someone who was a big part of your life whether it was good or bad, things have changed.

If you did get back together it would go back to the same. take some time out, recuperate, find yourself again

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thank you any idea how long it feels like this? i have been getting advice to find someone else to make it easier to forget..i don want to do that to another person :( 

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its been over 5 months now. but he still calls me often.

he keeps talking about how my job is not suitable for a women and its best for a man, when i ask him why he keeps saying that he says that he wants me to change my mind cos he dosent want to see me Iive a stressful life even though we are not together.

He cries to me on the phone cos he is so disappointed about us, he goes on abt how we are not a good match and his friend have always told him that I dont fit into there "social circle" and how he is better than me. he tells me this and then he want to get back???

I blocked him on my phone once and felt so guilty doing that to someone who is so upset.he called me from seven different numbers after.

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I didn't read the whole conversation, but I would say that it sounds like this man doesn't really know what he wants, and he says hurtful things and then acts like they're no big deal.  I'm sorry he's upset, but if he's not going to man up and take responsibility for the things he says and does, then he's not worth being with.   

Tell him clearly that it is over between you, if you haven't already.   Then just ignore him.  

As I write this, I bet it's not all that helpful, but that's how I feel about what I've read so far.

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He sounds like a right immature prat if you ask me. And what is this "job" that is so hard?

What he wants is to control you and dictate how he wants things to be run. I "His mates have said your not good enough for him" What a pile of codswallop ! That is what's known as manipulation. He's trying to get in your good books. Tell him do 1.

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I want revenge I don't want to see him walk away after all this and find someone else and act like nothing happen I want to teach him a lesson

im so angry

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I get that your angry. I would be to, but revenge ain't the answer.

Revenge causes bitterness and only escalates which will leave You worse off. If you really want to piss the guy off do it with dignity, let him know how happy you can be without him. 

It will/does get better, but only you can control how. 

Good luck & remember you're strong believe in yourself. 

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