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Angel

Something happened tonight.

12 posts in this topic

Hey guys! So something happened tonight and I want to tell someone about it but I can't really tell the people I know personally about it.

This is about victim blaming in sexual assault cases. Tonight I broke several rules to avoid being a victim.

I have this friend, lets call him Bob. I've known him for roughly 2 years. He's very flirtatious and likes to sleep with a lot of women. He would pretty much sleep with any woman who would be willing to sleep with him. Now he didn't screw around with any feelings, always told them up front that he was just in it for the sex and if they weren't okay with that they could leave. Now I don't sleep around like that and I think it upsets him a little that I'm not like many other women who are just willing to throw themselves at him, but we do casually flirt with each other. (So there is one rule broken, I flirt with him therefore I lead him on.) Anyway, he also likes to drink, I don't. I like to go to parties, hang out and talk to people and quite frankly its funny watching other people get shit faced. At most of these parties I usually bring Bob home. He doesn't drive and he is ALWAYS very very drunk. So tonight there was a Halloween party and I drove Bob home. (3 more rules broken, I left my self completely alone with someone who was shit faced drunk who I knew was attracted to me) and lastly I was in my Halloween costume, which isn't as skimpy as most but it did show more cleavage than I usually do and the skirt was a bit shorter than what I usually wear. (Another rule, I wasn't dressed "properly) 

Now a big issue with Bob is once he's asleep (whether he is shit faced or not) waking him up is nearly impossible. I've had to let him sleep in my car before because I couldn't get him to wake up. That; however, wasn't an option tonight because I have to bring my brother to work in the morning and wont have time to bring Bob home too. So every time I noticed he was falling asleep I slapped his leg to keep him up. At one point he grabbed my hand and held it for a bit before attempting to have me fondle him. I told him "Knock it off, you're drunk" he said "okay." A little bit later on in the drive while I was trying to keep him talking to keep him awake he yanked the sleeve of my top off my shoulder. I said "Excuse me" and he replaced the sleeve on my shoulder and said "I'm sorry." after that I had no more incidents with him.

If something had happened. If he had forced himself on me. All of those rules that I broke would have been used against me. "Why did you flirt with him?" "Why didn't you have any friends with you?" "You knew he wanted to have sex with you." "He was drunk he wasn't in full control of himself." and "Why were you dressed like a slut?" But tonight Bob just debunked every single one of those. Because even though I do casually flirt with him he knew that no means no. Even though he was shit faced drunk and I was wearing less than usual he still understood that I wasn't interested. And I am proud of Bob for being a better man than society has painted men to be. Because society has painted them as weak minded creatures and can't possibly be expected to control themselves around women but Bob has proved society wrong and more men should be doing the same thing.

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I can't put this on any of my social media because everybody I know would be able to make the connection to who he is and I don't want to do that to him. But i do want more people to hear this story so help spread it around guys.

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I know that most guys are. its the criminal justice system that says that men can't control themselves so women have to be responsible for their own safety. I just thought that Bob was an excellent example as to why exactly that wasn't true.

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The victim blamers have had it all wrong for decades.   The fact is that decent men do not sexually assault women (1) no matter how skimpy the woman's clothes, (2) how horny the man is, (3) how drunk the man is, or (4) any other "reason" under the sun.   Decent men just do not do it.   Indecent men will look for any kind of opportunity they can find.   Now, all of that said, I will say this:   for a woman to put herself in a vulnerable position with an indecent man is like a man flashing a wad of cashing while walking down a dark alley.   An indecent man is likely to knock him in the head and take his money.   A decent man would not, no matter how drunk the potential victim or how much money he had or how dark the alley was.   

One more thing:   I am sick and tired of the man-bashing that the "education" people engage in.   All of that stupid-ass "No means no" crap.   Decent men know that no means no.   Indecent men do not care, and no amount of "education" is going to change that.

The idea that a man can be decent in all other respects, but still sexually assault a woman when the opportunity presents itself, is like saying that all people will take a wallet that is protruding from a drunk person's pants pocket.   It's just not true.    The "education" people have lumped all men together--which is like lumping all women together.   

We know there are indecent women, too--like the one who stole an EMT's wallet when they let her sit in the ambulance after her boyfriend was struck by a car and killed.   There are women who use sex to get what they want, and that is just as bad as a man forcing himself on a woman.  

Decent men and woman abide by the moral law.   They don't need stupid-ass posters telling them that they are all inherently evil.   They don't need any of that education shlock that denigrates the character of good people.  

Women AND men do need to choose their sex partners carefully.   And they should not expect any kind of poster campaign to affect the morality of anyone by one iota.

Pepperjelly and Gone. like this

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I admit men should act like Bob.. well okay not exactly like him but I think you know what I mean. The truth is that the things that happen to us are more than likely a consequence of our own actions. Sure men shouldn't get drunk and take advantage of scantily clad women who offer them a ride home, but there's always a chance they will. Or at least try to, as Bob did. A MUCH higher chance than if you offered someone a ride home who wasn't drunk and a renowned slut. Men can be sluts, right? Why not?

 

What the HELL time for me to play the Devil's advocate for a change... ha. The odds go up for bad things to happen the more stupid choice we make. Walk drunk down dark alleys or side streets with which you are not familiar with money hanging out of your pockets and you really are asking for bad things to happen. They will.

 And as much as women want to play the victim... here it come... hanging out in bars with drunk men who are looking to score and dressing like a slut will give you a MUCH higher chance of getting in trouble. Especially if you're drunk too. Smart people play the odds for good things to happen. People who keep gambling when the odds are that bad things will happen will eventually lose. It's a fact of life.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by the Ralph Beach House Foundation for Wayward Women. Send cash or money orders to Ralph is right @ gmail ;)  ps feels like the old days for some reason... where's littlenick?

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I like this topic Angel.  It hits home for me because I once had jury duty and I actually had to go in for a sexual harrassment case.  

The case in question was between two co-workers.  And the defense for the guy on trial revolved around "Why did you invite the guy over your house for Thanksgiving?  Weren't you friends?  Why was touching ok before, but not later?"  Things like that.  To be honest, in that case, it was really confusing (or maybe the defense just did a really good job).  But you're exactly right.  If you pressed charges, you'd have a greasy defense lawyer in your face asking you why you gave him a ride, why do you flirt with him if you're not interested.  Cases like that are based ENTIRELY on hearsay stuff like that, which makes it hard for a jury to find it in their hearts to convict a guy.  

However, I'd like to offer some advice:  Why don't you stop driving this guy home?  It's not your job to take care of this man.  If he's getting so drunk that he can't drive himself home (and get even get out of the damn car when he gets there!) and he has no plan to spend the night AT the party, it may be he's taking advantage of you hun, and it may also be that his drunken touching is less innocent that it appears.  I'm not saying he's a rapist or anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if he has it in the back of his head that he'd like to get you in bed one day.  And maybe you're ok with that but I'm just saying....I don't give people free passes on bad behavior because they're drunk.  I've been drunk, and I don't use it as an excuse to act like a jerk.  He was trying to get you to touch him while you were driving!  That's dangerous.  

I mean, at best, this guy sounds like kind of a slob, and you're enabling him because he's "a good guy."  There are lots of good guys out there, and many of them don't expect you to babysit them every time they get wasted.  That's NOT what being a good friend is about, at least in my opinion.

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He doesn't expect me to. I offer, I offer the same to all of our other friends at these parties. Before I leave I always go around and make sure EVERYONE has a way to get home. I'm sort of the Mamma of the group, I take care of everyone and like I said. I said no and he stopped. He is a slut he will happily admit that himself, but he's also the one who fed me when someone stole all of my money out of my bank account and the one who put the fear of God into a man who called me fat slut when I wouldn't give him my number at work. He gets drunk and he acts silly and gets very cuddly and touchy but he understands no which is a very big deal to me.

And Ralph so do you think that because a victim put themselves at risk the rapist shouldn't be punished as badly? The big big thing about this isn't that some people rape. Rape is always going to happen because rapists have mental illnesses, they will rape even if you are covered from head to toe and in full control of yourself, the reason they target the scantily clad and the drunk is because they know when it goes to court that fact will be used against the women and they will get less time if any time at all. when you tell a woman to cover up more or drink less you're really telling her to let him rape someone else. What I AM saying is if a woman is scantily clad or drunk or whatever that doesn't make it okay for someone to rape her, and it shouldn't make his punishment any less. Which is what happens all the time. What I am saying here is that Bob is proof that you can never blame the victim and that what matters is that someone raped someone else. 

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5 hours ago, Angel said:

He doesn't expect me to. I offer, I offer the same to all of our other friends at these parties. Before I leave I always go around and make sure EVERYONE has a way to get home. I'm sort of the Mamma of the group, I take care of everyone and like I said. I said no and he stopped. He is a slut he will happily admit that himself, but he's also the one who fed me when someone stole all of my money out of my bank account and the one who put the fear of God into a man who called me fat slut when I wouldn't give him my number at work. He gets drunk and he acts silly and gets very cuddly and touchy but he understands no which is a very big deal to me.

He doesn't expect it? Do you really think he doesn't expect it?  Or are you just saying that because you don't like to see a stranger talking bad about your friend?  It seems pretty obvious based on what you wrote that he definitely expects it. Maybe you didn't explain the situation very well, or maybe I'm misunderstanding something, but thinking he doesn't expect a ride in this situation strikes me as a bit naive (no offense intended).

You said in your above post that he always gets really drunk at these parties and that you end up driving him home most of the times.  It just logically follows that he probably expects you to do it.  The fact that you're offering makes no difference. Why would he risk getting s**-faced if he didn't think he was going to have a ride, unless he's an alcoholic?  It's sweet that you think of yourself as "the mamma of the group" but you're not his mother.  We all have to be our OWN mothers in life.  I'm not sure you offering to give him a ride if he's getting wasted every week is really being a good "mom" to him in any case.  

I don't know anything about this guy except what you tell me, and he may be a great guy, or he may not, I'm not in a position to judge.  It's your judgment that matters, and I don't have a stake in the situation, but based on what I'm hearing this guy has the trappings of (to use a nice term for the sake of not being censored) jerk-ishness.  Does that mean he's all bad all the time?  No, no one's always bad.  But maybe he's not that great of a person to be around.  

Can't afford to own a car but can afford to p*** away his money away on alcohol, that kind of thing disgusts me honestly.  But hey, maybe when he's not being a drunken slut, as you say, he's helping out at soup kitchens and saving children out of burning buildings.  I don't know.  Still doesn't mean you should be in a car alone with him.

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Same sort of scenario happened to me in 1993...

I did it all wrong though, and he was not prosecuted.  Even the cop and the local bouncer at the bar (who was my room mate's boyfriend) told me to press charges because he had done this before....

That aside, as usual.....Sherlock's words and Dr. Ralph's words are spot on....and you are a wonderful person to help him out as you do

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I don't think rapists should get off easier if the girl is a slut and dressed like one, but they do... that's the world we live in. I think I should be able to get drunk and wander around in the middle of the night with a lot of cash too, but I can't. I'm just saying that what happens to us in life is largely a part of the decisions we make, and you knew you were making a lot of bad decisions. It kind of makes sense that people in a jury will have a harder time convicting a criminal when the victim is being so stupid, it's almost like I am asking someone to bonk me over the head and rob me if I stagger down an alley drunk. A good lawyer will convince people I was asking for it, he'll convince them you were too.

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Interestingly, just recently in the UK a footballer managed to get his rape conviction quashed after the jury heard evidence from the victims previous sex partners. Fortunately he did do some time first, but absolutely disgusting that the evidence was accepted.

I suppose its like kim k flaunting her diamonds on instagram.... 

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