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Settle down or?

3 posts in this topic

So I was in a long term relationship for almost a decade when things weren't going so well(and both of us agree they really weren't) we decided to end it(moved out of our home, switched jobs, different car/place, the whole 9 yards of change). After the relationship we decided not to cut each other out of our lives completely though, and tried and actually managed to stay good friends. I figured if I could keep him around as a friend it would be good, and I would be free to go find romantic/sexual happiness else where. 

We have been out of our relationship for at least 3 years now probably closer to 4. 

I've found meeting new people is really difficult since we broke up. I've met new people sparsely over the last 3 years. I haven't found the connection I've been looking for although I did manage to experiment with some sexual fantasies I never got to fulfill and that was fun! 

But all in all I don't feel like I'm meeting people and making real connections. I'm more nervous than excited when I do meet someone new. There are people out there who are willing to hang with me but my nerves often prevents me from meeting and dating or whatever in the first place, and the nervousness get's in the way of the fun I feel I should be having when I do meet someone new. So I tend to end up with my ex on the couch watching netflix and being friends.

I have to wonder what is really going on here. My friendship with my ex has gotten better and better and I've even considered getting back together with him. 

I still care a lot about him but I'm scared if I went back to that situation, those things that got out of control for a while would come back. I often find myself pushing that idea away and deciding it's not worth the risk to find myself in a similar situation as before. I know what we had at the end is not what I want. It's not what I expected our relationship to turn into.

Should I risk that? Or appreciate that we have a great friendship now and go about my fun until something solid comes along? How do you get comfortable with meeting new people after ten years in a monogamous relationship?
If we end up getting back together at any point in our lives, I can't help but see all this time apart as a huge waste of time. Except I know if we didn't separate and get away from our situation at the time, I might have died. I was so stressed that I think I was close to heart attack. Not just because of him, but because we were doing life alone and no where I went and no one I went to seemed to care. Jobs were hard, money was hard, our relationship was stressed, sex wasn't happening due to exhaustion and being overworked and still never enough money, we fought.

Bad relationship? Or good relationship gone bad due to extraordinary(or maybe all to common?) circumstances?


Either way, why would I be considering him or feeling guilty when I go on a date? We're not together and we're both aware our friendship doesn't limit what we do romantically/sexually with others. 

Very confusing times...

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Let me start off with my age old statement of:

Good relationships are built on the trinity of: Trust, Communication, and Mutual Respect. This is true for all relationships whether romantic, professional, familial, fraternal, etc. And if one pillar is missing then the relationship is going to be miserable. If more than one is missing the relationship is almost guaranteed to fail. 

The other thing that relationships need is work. Time and effort from everyone involved. 

If you still have feelings for your ex, (to me is seems obvious that you do) Then talk to him. Tell him how you feel, and see how he feels. 
Perhaps all your relationship needed was the break to be able to bring you closer together. Especially if you are already spending time together. 

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