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Hawklan

Just a fool in love

15 posts in this topic

Hi all,

       Been a long time since I was on here, hope everyone is doing well. I could use some advice. My wife lives in Alberta (for past three year) while I raise our kids on Ontario. Recently, she asked if we could have an Open relationship (we have been married for 21 years). Further blowing my mind, was the fact, that she rationalised this stating that she would only see other women. I think she was assuming that I would fall prey to the male stereotype of coveting lesbian fantasies.

All I am left thinking is I am raising our kids alone, remaining loyal .. so she can do what ... with her free time.

After thinking it over, I countered with the suggestion (that if we were Open) that I would be allowed to see other women. My wife did not like that at all, exclaiming that that was totally different, countering with, "how would you like it if I were with other men?" I remember thinking in that moment, I don't want you to see with anyone!

My wife has said she will not force this on me, but I can't help but feel that this bespeaks deeper issues, maybe being apart for so long we are marching to an inevitable end?

Am I way off base here?

Hawk

 

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Hawk I'm sorry to hear about your failing marriage.

Your Wife's objection to you seeing other woman shows that she still wants to be part of you. But it also shows how incredibly selfish and thoughtless she is to. 

I think you should go and grab whatever kind of happiness is out there. 

 

 

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It just sounds to me what your wife is asking for is crazy.  It's not an open relationship if only one person is doing the compromising.  

I'm wondering why this even matters if she's not living with you.  Is that for practical reasons, or because she moved out?

I think I can understand (sort of) that some people can't handle monogamy.  Those people shouldn't get married, and in many cases probably shouldn't have families either.  At the very least, they should be clear that they don't intend to be monogamous before a long term commitment like marriage.  Then you would have had a talk about how to proceed with the relationship, and if you couldn't reach an agreement, you could have parted ways amicably.  

I feel dumb saying this because it's pretty much common sense....

I don't know your wife, but she may very well be in this different city having a gay ole time (pun intended).  

If you decide you need to see other women be smart.  Starting a real relationship with another woman may not be healthy either.  You have to be fair to any potential partners you have about the marriage thing.  Be honest.  

I have an online friend who started a relationship with a man in a situation kind of similar to yours.  The man was divorced, with a child.  It was confusing because the wife wanted to keep seeing him and have an open relationship.  But then the wife decided "no, you can't see her anymore" and my friend was left broken hearted as a result.  

 

 

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7 hours ago, Hawklan said:

After thinking it over, I countered with the suggestion (that if we were Open) that I would be allowed to see other women. My wife did not like that at all, exclaiming that that was totally different, countering with, "how would you like it if I were with other men?" I remember thinking in that moment, I don't want you to see with anyone!

 

Also, to add something else, this bit right here makes me think your wife believes that she's got you under her thumb and that she can walk all over you.  The fact that she has the gall to ask you for this, and not give anything up in return...I wonder if she takes your marriage seriously anymore.  

Again, I don't know her or you or your marriage, but it's just something that raised a red flag to me.  

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my basic instincts tell me.. this is some bull.. why are you suggesting you're considering to eat the whole cake when i cant have any.

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My wife is a teacher that could not find work here in Ontario and for financial reasons is away from our family. We are not separated, which makes for a strange situation. Most of our friends and family cannot understand that we are a married, monogamous couple that live apart due to financial reasons (sad but true).

Also Lano, I would not date other women, I was debating it to make a point to my wife. As a single dad with two kids I simply don't have the time even if I had the volition.

My wife is not as unreasonable as this request depicts her. Ultimately the reality of being in a long distance relationship, has left her lonely. She explains her wanting to connect is less about sex than it is about intimacy and feelings of loneliness. I guess at least I have my son and daughter and the rest of my life which I didn't leave behind like her (our extended family is in my area).

I told her last night basically, she chose to retrain in a profession that forced her away from us so now she needs to live with those consequences. I am willing to arrange more family visits and try everything within the confines of our monogamous relationship to address her feelings of loneliness, but that I will not accept her proposal to be open.

If she doesn't like that then she will have to leave me to be with someone else. What's got me spinning was I didn't see the Bi angle coming. I love my wife and I know she loves me (and our kids), and 21 years is nothing to sneeze at.

I guess I am just afraid she will lack to the courage to leave me (would be hard for her to explain to our kids and family) but will simply do it without my knowledge or consent. I trusted her implicitly, until now.

Thanks all for your comments and advice,

Hawk

 

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17 hours ago, Lano said:

Also, to add something else, this bit right here makes me think your wife believes that she's got you under her thumb and that she can walk all over you.  The fact that she has the gall to ask you for this, and not give anything up in return...I wonder if she takes your marriage seriously anymore.  

Again, I don't know her or you or your marriage, but it's just something that raised a red flag to me.  

She did give something up in return, she said I could sleep with men. Which she knew damn well was not going to happen

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UNNACCEPTABLE!

For me, you are either in a marriage or out. If she wanted an open relationship then it should work both ways, its completely unacceptable to ask you not to see any one and she can, it doesnt matter what gender. To be completely honest I would have to question whether she is already cheating and trying to rationalize it.

Also if you did start seeing other women, it could be a problem to some that your still technically married.

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Hopefully your long history of a trusting relationship and your open communication with her will prevent her from keeping anything from you. 

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Hey what happened to my killer answer? Here's the Cliffs Notes: Find a girl that is really a homosexual guy trapped inside this hot smoking body....

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On ‎05‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 0:35 PM, Docteur Ralph said:

Hey what happened to my killer answer? Here's the Cliffs Notes: Find a girl that is really a homosexual guy trapped inside this hot smoking body....

Hmmm, That's a part of my sexuality I would really rather not explore. Not sure I understand my wife's logic to begin with, that it is somehow less of a transgression to have an open relationship with someone of the same sex as opposed to the opposite gender. I guess she thinks it's ok, because it is less of a threat to my manhood.

When you blur the lines (as you suggest above) if does poke holes in the theory. I am an open-minded guy, but this whole pansexual, trans (or inner gay man in a woman's body) argument can be seriously confusing.

... which is maybe why I like monogamy to begin with!

cheers,

Hawk

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I think she's already having an affair and she just wants it out in the open. Does she have a masculine looking female roommate or best friend? Really I think you know your marriage has been over for 3 years. You need to start taking notes and recording conversations with her if it's permitted and just go ahead and get ready to end it legally. First lawyer usually wins, and don't tell her about it until your case is already made. I'm sorry but I just don't see having a wife who lives hours away and now wants permission to have sex with other people, male or female it doesn't matter. She's supposed to be your wife, you two really need to figure out some way to live in the same house or there's no reason to even be married. Three years apart? Do you two even have a plan for ever living together again? Put it in place or get out.

 

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I think Doc has a point.

Is she ever gonna move back with  you or you with her? Three years is a long time, its more like shes done a runner and got away with it because shes still semi there, but living her own life while you're basically a single dad. I think you deserve better.

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Thanks all,

Good insights all, its easy to lose perspective when you are in the thick of it. I guess I am struggling with letting her go. My son finishes high school this year and is off to university next year, so the time to move on is right. 

Truth is she can't  get a job in our hometown and I can't carry her personal debt with my salary alone. Seems like crummy reason to end a relationship, even if it is alive in name alone at this point.

Appreciate your feedback.

Hawk

 

 

 

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