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CollegeGirl

I am feeling depressed and monumentally overwhelmed...

3 posts in this topic

I haven't felt this deeply sad in a very long time. I thought I got over this already. I don't know what to do.

My roommates are graduating and transitioning into the next phase of their lives and instead of trying to work as a unit to make sure that everyone's situation is settled they are being selfish and only looking out for themselves. I looked out for them. I even helped one of them find a new roommate to look for places with. I thought they were my friends? I know we're not the best of friends, and definitely not from lack of trying, but you would think it's human nature to try to look out for someone you've spent this much time with and made memories with. I'm not expecting the world, just reason. One of them is trying to leave the leasing agreement early and move out of state and find a random replacement without giving a fuck about who is going to end up living with me the next year that I'm going to be going to school. I told her that I'm not going to sign off on living with a random person but I have a feeling at this point she's trying to get her deposit money and leave at whatever cost. The other roommate is basically the only stumbling block to our initial plans. We had two girls ready to move in when they left. Girls I know. We had plans. Then she put a pin in the plans by saying that she can't commit to leaving until she signs a new lease. This is part of the reason, another could be that she doesn't like one of the girls moving in and is trying to be petty. I understand her predicament but she is sitting in limbo while the rest of us need concrete plans. She is not looking for places consistently, taking all of the time in the world knowing that this situation is time sensitive. When I tried to reason with them both they both get irritated and frustrated and refuse to compromise their plans a little bit to help each other out. 

I'm feeling empty right now. I feel a huge weight on my chest. The pain was so heavy that I ended up taking 6 or 7 ibuprofen pills at 200 mg. I know this is relatively harmless although I've never taken this much at once. I'm disappointed and ashamed and lonely. Both of my roommates are home but I can't go over to them. How could I explain this? How could they understand? They're lives are so simple. I'm not trying to kill myself just make the pain stop. Whenever I try to drag myself out of this sad hole somehow I end up here all over again. I've been practicing the law of attraction and conscious creation and active prayer and it's helped me so much I thought I was healed. A couple months ago I called the suicide hotline when things got really hard and they were completely useless but I eventually got through it. It didn't feel this bad. So I prayed harder and paced myself. Eventually the issues I had been battling didn't hurt me as much as they used to. I got over feeling as if my dad regretted my birth. They had me so young, at 18 and it has been a struggle growing up in this country as immigrants. They didn't see eye to eye and didn't work as a couple. I came here when I was five but got instant citizenship through my dad. My mother was not as lucky, going through tough immigration issues and suffering in ways I can't help her. My parents didn't stick together, they were clear as day incompatible but that didn't stop my mom from chasing my dad and refusing to move on from him. I fear being like her when it comes to men. I fear her calls because it either consists of me giving her money or giving her my car. She is selfish and does not think of me, who has to fully support myself living on my own and going to school. I try my best to help her when I can but she does not know how to manage her money and has been going through cycles of eviction and losing her car and jobs for as long as I can remember. Not keeping up with bills. Owing money and getting new phone lines every couple of months or years. She thinks I don't love her and tries to manipulate me, we can never have a normal conversation. My dad lives in another city with my stepmom and two young daughters. Although he is emotionally supportive and answers my phone calls most of the time for advice he does not help me out financially because his money is going towards their house and livelihood. This was one of the main reasons I thought he didn't love me. This used to hurt me so deeply. How can you work so hard to support a new family when you ignored me when I came to you, trying to make you understand my feelings? Never choosing to live with me? Never validating my feelings. I've moved all throughout my childhood and don't have any long term friendships. I fear I don't even know how to make real friends. Given my roommate situation I could justify this. I have acquaintances but no one I feel like can understand me or be there for me in a real way. My family is spread out all over the country and I didn't have siblings, having been an only child until my now 4 year old sister was born and now the new baby. I'm so overwhelmed right now. I'm studying engineering and although I love it and see my potential in it, it's so hard and I fear failing my classes this semester and being put on academic probation or forced to change my major and waste even more time and money in school. I failed 3 classes last semester and my GPA dropped drastically. It's my fourth year and I'm supposed to be graduating, instead I'm staying for another two years. I've never had a boyfriend and am still a virgin. I used to want to "wait for the right person" but I'm starting to feel like the only reason I've never had a relationship is because I'm broken beyond repair. I have dreams and goals of starting businesses and being successful, making real friends, having a real stable home, falling in love and being close with my family. I've had internships and held important positions at school and I am ambitious for the most part. Just so lonely. But this time things were good and I felt like I was finally better. Then things pop up that make me question why I even have these dreams if I'm just going to end up suffering even more. I've been practicing gratitude and changing my perspective and praying everyday. I don't feel sorry for myself, I know I've been very lucky and blessed in life. I just don't understand the bad part. Because when it's bad its REALLY bad and I feel like killing myself. I feel like I will never find love or friendship or family, no one's on my side, what's the point? I'm really hurting. 

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Take a deep breath. 

You have a lot on your plate, but it sounds mostly out of your control and not really your problem.  Does the roommate situation really effect you? It sounds like they're moving out and two new ones are moving in. Yes you have to live with them but it doesn't sound like there's much that you can do, or that you need to worry.  I think your roommate could be dragging their feet because they're scared of moving on to the next chapter.

Your dad clearly loves you, he takes your calls and offers support, but you feel he owes you financially? You're an adult so he doesn't, he is focused on his kids because they can't support themselves, and he might just be able to keep it together with nothing to spare.

Your mum sounds needy and unable to cope with life alone. Maybe she is depressed, struggling.  You could try to help her by showing her how to manage money.

You seem to have a lot of fear. Mostly unfounded fear of things that haven't happened or might not happen. If you're contemplating suicide and feel depressed you should talk to a doctor. It will help.

 

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First of all, maybe you need to see a doc or get into therapy because of your suicide talk/feelings.

 

I think your dad and mom both love you.  Your mom might have chased after your dad for one simple reason:  when they immigrated and your dad was a citizen and your mom wasn't....she might have felt the need to latch on to him for security.  She was probably terrified.  I can't even imagine leaving my home and starting a new home in another place.  I bet the shakiness of that situation affected their parenting abilities.  

 

As far as room mates go:  I had room mates in college too.  Some of them were awful; some were great.  NONE of them are my friends to this day.  I also had room mates after college, when I purchased my first house.  They ARE my friends to this day.  Sometimes you just have to deal with a bad room mate, and as long as you don't feel unsafe....learn life lessons from them.

 

Hope things get better for you soon

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