holyburd

Setting my lover free...?

2 posts in this topic

I have been dating this woman for a little over a year now, and it started like the perfect match. She had never had a relationship before, and was still very inexperienced in many things in life. She was a big-time adventurer, while I was a bit of a homebody; one of those complimenting contrasts that forced one another into pushing our normal boundaries. Sexually, she was skiddish and unsure, even so far as never once "diddling her skittle" even once in her life on her own. I thought it slightly bizarre/uncommon, but hey, I will not judge her for it. I assumed we'd just need extra time to let her explore herself, ya know? We did discuss kids as a possibility maybe in the late future, only to find out she absolutely does NOT want kids, and would even go so far as to abort if necessary. As a rule of mine, we were very open to the fact that if she ever did that to my child IF it came to pass, we would break up right then and there, no questions asked. So, we took extra precautions to make sure that never happened.

So aside from that, I had been longing to get my dream career going, and when we began to date, I was still getting that ball rolling. At that time, I was in a dead-end sort of job just making ends meet, nothing too unusual. The good thing was because she was still getting HER ball rolling, was that for the first 6 months of us dating, she was living in a city near me for college. That was actually how we met. So we'd see each other almost every night, and do all those cheesy romantic thing in the movies(literally. it was beautiful). BUT, near the 6 month mark, she graduated. In order to save money for later, she moved back to another state with her parents until she got her career situated. Ok, I figured we'd manage that distance and be patient. That was until I got MY career going recently. This career is very dangerous, and I can't detail what I do per policy, but I have lots to learn about it. I am still living at home as well, considering the nature of my newfound job, the money-saving, and need of SOME support system for now.

The problem with all this comes in with my gf pushing to move in with me. Not a bad idea, but I am not mentally ready considering that I have such a risky job, I am in too much stress to move out for the first time, with a gal I have barely seen in several months no less......I was afraid that if we rushed in together too soon, that we'd start to dislike what we saw in the newer versions of ourselves and then be stuck on a new lease. So, me trying to be smart...I said that we should wait a while longer, see each other more, re-learn each other after such a long time apart, and allow her time to get her career going before jumping into a rash decision. Time went on for a bit, and the sheer distance started to hurt us further. We became more distance, communicating less, even so far as to cuddling and just "feeling" the connectiveness fading....the lack of care/emotion....as if we were going through the motions out of obligation. our sex life had not improved at all, in fact got worse. 

I later came to learn by trial and error that she is asexual. She didn't even know because she never actively participated in those events even on her own in her developmental years. That event told me that one of the key aspects of a defining relationship was no longer an option. After all, what singular act separates a good friendship from a relationship: Intimacy. Couple that with our fading feelings, distance, and overall rushing of life....it was not looking good. Later, I find out that her career opportunities are looking bleak in our nearby area, and in order for her to achieve her dreams, she would need to leave here. Problem is that MY career REQUIRES me to live here. Then it hit me......I was trapping her......all this time, while I was merrily establishing my dreams and goals that I fought for since I was a child....she was being held back from her life because of it. I AM glad that we did not move in, as I still believe it's too early after just 1 year of dating, 6 months of actively seeing one another......we talked about how this was going....how much we were growing apart, how her life is basically on hold for "us", how my option for kids and starting a family are no longer existent.....how my desires in intimacy and hard romance were pressuring her and the guilt I had for not realizing sooner. I asked her if we would survive all of this.....and she had a long pause. Right then and there, I knew her answer without her saying it........so I decided.....if I am the singular thing thats keeping her from growing and having the life she needs.....who am I to lock her in a cage...? I let her go.......and ended "us".....Because of me, she can't be her. I know that she will find a much better match than I ever could be......even though my heart was in the right place.....it doesn't mean a thing if it doesn't help the other person. I was holding her back.....and now I wonder if I did the right thing? Couples are supposed to work past these bumps in the road....but when I asked her if we'd make it and I watched her shoulders slump and she looked away......I felt like we both knew that we wouldn't. Does this seem like a mistake?


Sorry about the length, but I needed to paint a picture of our history and how we developed.

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